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It's the Great DX, Edge, and Orton

"The Swerved"

by Stephen Rivera

For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit The Swerved every Monday.  The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog entries from the past every week.

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Edge and Randy Orton believe in a strange hybrid of Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Oprah named: The Great DX.

Former WWE Champion Edge believes that the Great Pumpkin will emerge from the pumpkin patch on Halloween night and deliver Pedigrees and Sweet Chin Musicals to all the true believing competitors. Of course, Randy must take the blunt of it because no one sees any harm in making him lose all the time. Together, they actually want to be in the patch when the courageous givers of ass kickings rise from the earth.

October 31st is circled on all of the calendars, marking the night of Halloween for Edge and Orton. Lita gets on-screen boyfriend Edge to carry her home, but Edge decides that she is too disease-ridden to hold with two bare hands, so he uses a Hazmat suit. While the other wrestlers are busy preferring to have sexual relations with roosters with hilarious results, Edge is penning his annual letter to the Great DX:
 

Lita is obviously concerned about her boyfriend, who is ridiculed by internet savvy wrestling fans for putting his dingle where Matt Hardy used to dangle. Edge patiently explains the amazingness of the Great DX to Randy Orton, but he dismisses Orton's uncertainty as a matter of Randy's overly decorative t-shirt clouding his conscience.

Every year, Edge returns to the most "In This Very" pumpkin patch he can find...

Edge: "Here we are, Jonathan Coachman, standing in the patch waiting for the Great DX. Every Halloween the Great DX rises from the patch with wreckless abandon, and just think, if you and I stand here all night, we may get pantsed by them!"

Edge walks up to Coachman with a look of glee.

Edge: "I really appreciate your standing out here with me, Coach. I must admit, however, that I've been wondering why you're wearing a full body wet suit?"
Jonathan Coachman: "There are certain times when you prefer not to have your posterior shown on national television for disappointing comedic effect!"

One year, The R Rated Superstar persuades Lita to ditch her first year of trick-or-treating and keep vigil in the pumpkin patch with the pseudo-love of her life. As the other wrestlers go trick-or-treating, Randy Orton is found wearing his famous smug a-hole costume, which has 190 a-holes instead of the traditional 94. As the wrestlers count their haul of RAW Energy Drinks and Stacker 2 pills, Randy Orton sifts through his bag of goodies.

Randy Orton says: "I got hand lotion."

After trick-or-treating is over, the WWE superstars, minus Edge and Lita, gather for the rest of the evening for a televised Halloween party that will most likely end in a amusing food fight that's only mildly entertaining because the camera angles are so quick, the viewer can't tell what the hell is taking place. The highlight of the party is when Stephanie McMahon goes bobbing for apples and brings up an apple with "The Macho Man" Randy Savage on the other end of it.

After being lectured by Stephanie about "Slim Jim germs", Savage decides to go out on patrol searching for the Orange Goblin. As the heroic fighter pilot lurks through the tropical tundra of Miami (actually his own mind), he struggles to find his way through the mess. Surprisingly, he ends up all the way in the pumpkin patch.

Savage stands up off of the patch and beings to spin around in a circle, twirling his finger in the air. Edge, thinking the Great DX has finally arrived, peers into the patch with a toothy grin. Lita is fairly angered when she finds out that she spent the whole night in a patch, missing out on the party and lewd insults, only to witness an old guy that for some reason released a rap album.

Lita: "I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great DX when I could have been out giving and receiving! Halloween is over and I missed it! You horse face! You kept me up all night waiting for the Great DX and all that came was a geriatric!"

Lita continues to yell at Edge.

Lita: "I didn't get a chance to put on a witch costume with the top cut so low, you could see my cooter! It's all your fault! I'll sue! What a fool I was! I could have had sex celebrations a-go-go! I could have got my swerve on with a Frankenstein lawn ornament, but no! I had to follow you. You horse face. What a fool I was. Trick or treats only come once a year, and I miss it by standing in a pumpkin with a horse face. I want reparations, Sexton Hardcastle!"

Randy Orton meets Edge in the patch. They discuss what has just occurred.

Edge: "You've heard about the fury of a woman scorned?"
Randy Orton: "Yeah, sure."
Edge: "Well, that's nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of sexy time."

As Edge and Orton leave the patch together, a familiar theme plays over the loudspeakers of nature. The thumping tune is mashed together with on-screen graphics of a green X, an exploding bridge, and the ill-conceived X-shaped bridge which leads both lanes of traffic into the water; Lita turns around to see the sight.

Suddenly, Shawn Michaels and Triple H attack them and constantly tell the Halloween audience that Edge and Orton are gay and are gay with each other and other gays who gay it up with the gays when the gay is gay. Their careers are never the same, but more gay.

This Halloween in Halloween Questions of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know the team of Edge and Randy Orton, collectively known as the brilliantly named Rated RKO, will be dressing up as Hall & Oates this Halloween?

A: I can't go for that, no-ah-oh (no). No can do.

Stephen Rivera is the author of The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the internet.  To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please visit The Swerved every Monday.