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The Power of Morphoplex
Part 1
"The Swerved"
by Stephen Rivera
For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit
The Swerved every
Monday. The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog
entries from the past every week.
------------------
This article was
originally posted in December 2005. It was a dark and stormy month in
which dinosaurs overtook cities and fought gigantic butterflies amongst
flimsy backdrops. Do you remember that time? I do. Morphoplex may not be
associated with the wrestling world anymore, but tomorrow is a new
beginning. Once again, if there is a particular article of mine from The
Armpit website that you want me to revisit, feel free to leave a comment
or send over an e-mail.
-Stephen
*****
[The Chief Financial Officer of Morphoplex replied to the second
part of this article. He was trying to be complimentative and insulting
at the same time. If he thought I was trying to badmouth the company's
product, he completely missed the point. If you have been following my
articles for any significant length of time, you should know I avoid the
obvious, or the expected; in fact, the title of this blog reflects that.
For me to be scathing for the sake of being scathing is not in my
nature. To take my word as serious is funky jungle gymology. If you saw
any of the Morphoplex commercials aired on TNA programming several eons
ago, you will understand why I decided to write about them. I don't know
if he felt attacked or what, but it's too bad his reply was underhanded,
because now I'll have to find another supplement to meet my needs as a
bodybuilding writer.]
Maybe I'm the only one who notices this, but did you know that, on
weekly installments of TNA Impact, they advertise this product called
Morphoplex? Apparently, it's supposed to burn fat, but the moment it was
mentioned, I was not convinced.
[Today, Morphoplex does not sponsor Total Non-Stop Action
wrestling. Is it for the better? As of now, let's just say Samoa Joe's
body mass index is questionable at best.]
The following visuals came into my mind when I first heard of the term "Morphoplex":
-A Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger (preferably the green one) executing a
German suplex
-Morpheus from the Matrix Trilogy offering up spacious, but expensive
duplex housing.
-The metamorphosis of Lex Luger from a muscular professional wrestler to
a wolf that, for some reason, works at a factory that produces bubble
wrap and packing peanuts (Basically, this could be a sitcom. If I wrote
it, I'd title it "Wolfpacked").
[Wolfpacked is filmed in front of a live studio audience. We'll be
"pack" after these messages.]
Upon extensive research of this supplement, I have learned that
Morphoplex is one of the best inventions human beings have ever created.
Is it the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well, sliced bread is a
sorry excuse for regular bread anyway, so yes. How about the motorized
car? Can an automobile make you lose weight and feel great? Actually,
yes and no. If the car is made entirely out of Morphoplex capsules, the
answer is a resounding hells yeah. If it's made out of normal car parts,
then forget it.
[One of my dreams is to own a car that's entirely made of thick,
corrugative cardboard. Those baseball bats which made a futuristic,
echoing sound when you hit something would be its axles, and the tires
would be various sizes of cheese wheels. In the road of life, there are
passengers, and then there are people like me... rolling down the street
in my crazy ass box-cheese-bat convertible.]
In this installment, I will explain the undeniable strengths of this
amazing health product. Morphoplex has no weaknesses, since one of the
benefits of taking Morphoplex that it forces the human mind to change
its entire composition so it does not comprehend the meaning of
"weakness".
The Power of Morphoplex
Fact 1: Can change Larry Zbyszko's last name to Nabisco just for fun.
Morphoplex is a strong, but laid back product. Therefore, it doesn't
feel that it is necessary to put the Z's in Larry's last name in the
right places. Honestly, it doesn't care about the name Zbyszko at all.
"Larry who? What's that last part say? He must've made that up. I bet he
was eating alphabet soup one day, and he ended up eating all the good
letters accidentally. So, he just concocted a last name with what he had
left," says Morphoplex. I don't know how it does it, but Morphoplex can
indeed speak English. In fact, Morphoplex speech is incredibly eloquent
for something that doesn't live or breath and has no vocal chords.
[Larry Zbyszko plays golf. I play mini-golf. Hence, I am better
than The Living Legend. I never hit the windmill, Larry.]
Don't ask me why Morphoplex wishes to change The Living Legend's name to
Larry Nabisco. All I know is that 1) it's awesome and 2) it can't get
any more awesomer. Possibly, this means that TNA and Nabisco can finally
work together in the wrestling/delicious snack collaboration of the
century. How about, instead of TNA Bound for Glory, we get to watch TNA
Chips Ahory? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Lame? Don't worry, I'll go ask
Morphoplex for a better name...
How about TNA Against All Oreos? Yeah, it's official -- I'm five years
old.
[I wrote this article about a year ago, so happy sixth birthday to
me. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I can't wait to go to Chuck E. Cheese with
my first grade class, then see The Marine with a legal parental
guardian.]
Fact 2: Leaves Traci Brooks' pants uncomfortably saggy.
With Morphoplex, TNA's own Traci says she can barely keep her pants on.
I'm not positive, but I assume that's political commentary about our
inability as a people to maintain peace within our borders. These
"pants" represent our guarded nature to accept what's new and
beneficial, but also mysterious, to our society. "Traci" saying she can
"barely keep them on" means that... "she" must have "the sex"... "a
lot".
[LOLOMGWTFNCAA @ Traci's implied promiscuity. In real life, I use
the "hand quotes" gesture quite often. At first, I didn't even know I
was using hand quotes; I just like to exercise my middle and index
fingers while I talk.]
If Morphoplex was human, it'd probably be in jail for making Traci and
several other women lose their pants privileges (although, it's not, so
it's okay). If I knew Morphoplex could effortlessly take girls' pants
off, I would have asked the Lord to give me an average appearance,
instead of the ridiculously attractive one I currently possess. That
way, I could live the mediocre life that I've always wanted. Somebody
once told me that hard work can get you anything. Who was that
individual? It was ECW, and it was terrible advice. Why? Well, where is
ECW now? I am aware that ECW is not an actual person, but if it was, I
bet it'd be really ugly and smell like a gymbag from... ancient Egypt.
Yes, there were gymbags back then. I read in a book once that King Tut
liked to play lacrosse, so that's another fact.
[In case you were wondering, I do have egg on my face for that ECW
comment. ECW is alive and well under WWE's umbrella. To tell you the
truth, I'm pleasantly surprised that the ECW of today is a quality
product that produces a pretty entertaining hour of television each and
every week. Yes, it's still ugly and smells like a gymbag, but this
time, it's pre-taped and masked by Smackdown's Fall potpourri.]
Fact 3: Has the ability to defeat Jeff Jarrett for the NWA World
Heavyweight Title 27+ times in a span of a month.
It's proven that Morphoplex is so powerful, that if it were released by
WWE today, it'd sign with TNA soon after and defeat Jarrett for the NWA
Title. It'd do this a lot. Sometimes, it'd win it about ten times in one
edition of Impact (just to put it out there, I could do that, but I
don't feel like it). "HE WON THE TITLE AGAIN! IʼM
SHOUTING!" Mike Tenay would say.
[Mike Tenay shouts. Don West shouts. What are they shouting about?
I don't know exactly, but I bet they're repeating what a wrestler has
just said:
Sting: I'm coming for you, Jarrett!
Mike: He's coming for you, Jarrett!
Don: Sting is coming for Jeff Jarrett and this is news to everyone!
TNA Audience: That man right there is Sting! That other guy is Jeff
Jarrett! The former is coming for the latter! I am verbally expressing
my excitement!]
Morphoplex's mortal enemies are Kings of Mountains, followed by Princes
of Peninsulas and Mayors of McDonaldlands. Jeff Jarrett is perfectly
okay with being hated since Morphoplex gives TNA money. "I ain't sayin'
he's a gold digger", but Jeff likes to keep the number two promotion in
North America afloat. That way, talented performers can make a living
and feed their families. What is my response? Whatever, man. All I know
is that a certain someone I know sells "selfish" by the sea shore. Some
dude named Jeff Jarrett bought the entire supply.
[Yeah, who do I have to powerbomb to get some selfish around dem
dere parts?]
Fact 4: Will make TNA Impact defeat WWE RAW with a 15.7 rating on
Christmas Day.
Santa Claus and Vince McMahon are no match for the sleek sexiness of
weight loss pills in a bottle. Several of TNA's admirers expect Spike TV
to change Impact's timeslot to Monday nights. I assure the readers that
this will happen (thanks to Morphoplex). For those that remember the
Monday Night Wars between the former WWF and WCW, or the Friday Night
Wars I had trying to decide whether to go out and expose myself to fresh
air or stay inside and watch Boy Meets World, this would be the second
installment. Morphoplex is like the Mr. Feeny to TNA's Cory Matthews.
WWE would most likely be... Minkus. I just confused the entire world
with that comparison, but you should know your Boy Meets World. I'm
thinking of becoming a teacher, just so I can teach a class based on why
Vader was so cool on that show. Itʼs
time, Mr. Matthews. Vader Time, I presume.
[According to my televisionistic memory, Vader played Frankie
Stechino's father on Boy Meets World. Frankie Stechino now plays Randy
on My Name is Earl. What am I trying to say here? Vader makes careers
via mere association. What happened to Ben Savage? Well, Vader is one
for two there, but cut him some slack. He's just one man. He may look
like two if you see him from a distance, but that's one guy.]
With Morphoplex, of course Impact would convincingly defeat RAW, even on
December 25th. If you refer back to the story of the birth of Jesus
Christ, you will see that The IV Wisemen (I want to say Ric Flair, Steve
McMichael, Dean Malenko, and Chris Benoit with Arn Anderson, but I might
be wrong) gave him gold, frankincense, myrrh, and a slimmer and trimmer
Don West. Iʼm sure this is an
animated special somewhere.
Also, take a look at the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas"...
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 TNA Impacts
11 TNA Impacts
10 TNA Impacts
9 TNA Impacts
8 TNA Impacts
7 TNA Impacts
6 TNA Impacts
5 Cases of Morphoplex
4 TNA Impacts
3 TNA Impacts
2 TNA Impacts and a
Charismatic Enigma in a Fat Burning Tree
[What a wonderful parody of jingle bells I did. I'm like a jolly
gold Saint Rickolas right here. Merry Halloween.]
Fact 5: Lowers gas prices to FREE.
To my understanding, George W. Bush is from Texas. That state has some
tea, which is black and bubbly. I'm not from this America people speak
of, but I'm sure there's still a little more there. When you're out of
peanut butter, you look at the bottom of the lid. Once there, you get
more peanut butter; the kind of peanut butter that is unexpected, yet
welcome. Apparently, on this planet, we can't do that. The public's
mindset has transformed into "Gas prices are too high! That's a lot of
money to fill up the tank. When will cars run on Sunny Delight? Cause I
have a ton of that at home, always next to the purple stuff." Gas prices
just got higher after uttering that sentence aloud.
[I neither like nor dislike George W. Bush. In a match with Al
Gore or John Kerry, Bush would win both times because he's the only
person in either match I know for sure exists as an actual human being.
Now, I assume a robot could beat him, but is that even plausible? Sure,
a robot could become a good worker, but who the hell would agree to
train it? A cyborg?]
So, what can be done? Once again, Morphoplex is the solution. By adding
Morphoplex to your gasoline, it automatically becomes free. As you pull
away from the station, with attendants screaming and cussing at you to
pay for the damn gas, just say Morphoplex. If they don't nod their head
and look up at the sky approvingly, they are aliens. Throw bottles of
Morphoplex at them and their heads will explode.
In addition, George W. Bush will automatically be
given an unprecedented 3rd term as United States President if he grasps
the concept of Morphoplex. Republicans only asked for Smackdown vs. Raw
2006, but I'm sure they will still be happy. By the way, I heard
Republicans are against the usage of Playstation 2's analog sticks as it
reminds them of man parts. The Democrats just told me that maybe the
Republicans actually like that it reminds them of man parts. Surely,
this will be the #1 issue of the 2008 election.
[I'd rather be an Aristocat than a Republican or Democrat. As an
Aristocat, I could live the good life as a cat. Take that, conservative
and liberal individuals.]
Next Week: Elaboration on the power of Morphoplex. Also, send this
article to 27 of your closest friends and your crush will fall in love
with you.
[If you haven't done this by now, pick a number. Do you have it?
Good. Your answer is the number of years you will have bad luck. I hope
you have fun falling off of cliffs, running into sharp things, and
combing Umaga's unruly hair.]
This Morphoplex in Morphoplex Trivia:
Q: Did you know that Morphoplex: Ultimate Fat Burner, a sponsor of TNA,
is actually Darth Vader... who is Anakin Skywalker... who is your
father?
A: Wait, that can't be. That's from a movie, isn't it? Hold on... my
mother said that she spent the night with a motion picture once. On
second thought, it was a series of motion pictures. Uh oh.
[Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. But, Senator
Palpatine said...]
Stephen
Rivera is the author of
The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the
internet. To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please
visit The Swerved
every Monday. |
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