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Entrance Theme Interpretations
Almost-Article #1
"The Swerved"
by Stephen Rivera
For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit
The Swerved every
Monday. The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog
entries from the past every week.
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[According to my watch that goes backwards, I began to write this
in August 2005. This was intended to be a series, as I planned to
interpret a few themes each edition. TNA's Michael Shane/Matt
Bentley/Maverick Matt/Not Shawn Michaels was not supposed to be my first
interpretation, but here it is anyway.
In the future, I may use the idea for actual articles, but until the
world of wrestling stops putting out those mean, squiggly guitar riffs,
those articles will probably have to look like this:
Theme Song: The Miz
Singer: Guitar
Genre: Guitar
Squeeeeeeeeuw (Squeeeeeuw)
Bah-nah-bah-nuh (Bah-nah-bah-NAH)]
I have recently started to watch TNA and while the wrestling is quite
solid and entertaining, I am particularly interested with the company's
choice of entrance music for their roster. I do believe that most sound
generic, but there are a few masterpieces contained within that must be
spoken for. What's so intriguing about these songs is that they are both
simplistic and elaborate at the same time. They're almost like a puzzle
you have to piece together in your mind.
Today, I provide my interpretation of some Total Nonstop Action
wrestling themes. If you wish to listen these and other works, visit the
official TNA website. If that cannot be done, have a friend or loved one
sing them to you... into your ear... ever so softly.
Note: These may not contain the actual lyrics.
Theme Song: Matt Bentley
Singer: Angry Guy Eating Marbles
Genre: Alternative-Rock
Opening Music Sequence
1) Record spinning
2) Rock guitar
3) Rock guitar pause
4) More rock guitar
Come on, get hot
(Let's proceed, have some hot chocolate.)
Jack's a Jill, it's no lie
(This man has female genitalia; I'm being serious here.)
They give me die
(I have received two dice.)
Nocturnal
(I am like a bat.)
Heal me soul
(Provide me fruitful nutrients in my deep, dark batcave.)
Come on
(We should continue.)
Hi hey
(Hello, how do you do?/Hey, how's it going?)
For me
(I would like the following to be pointed in my direction...)
More cheese
(Cheddar or mozarella to the previously mentioned destination,
please.)
(Rock guitar)
Come on
(If you aren't in agreement with me now, I don't know what to say
to you.)
Get high
(You may or may not have a marijuana cigarette, but I don't
condone it either way.)
Work the lime which I decline
(While I am appreciate that you have given me citrusy sustenance,
I must politely set it aside for I am more an orange person.)
It's my time
(I am the owner of a large grandfather clock and you cannot have
it.)
Ride the ride
(Enter the transportation apparatus and initiate motion.)
Heal machine
(This device is Wolverine on four wheels.)
Come on
(We are about to move further.)
My tang
(The present of powdered drink mix is the best gift an astronaut
can ever give another human being.)
Come on
(Let me reiterate that we are about to move further.)
Hi hey
(Konichiwa/aloha to you and yours.)
Okay
(That is perfectly fine.)
For me
(Also, it is acceptable to my standards.)
=====
Almost-Article 2: The Obscure
Joys of Pro Wrestling #1
[If you didn't know by the title, this was also supposed to be the
first in a series. When I was a columnist for The Armpit, I didn't
exactly plan what I was going to write about. When I write (anything
really,) I find that it's better to wait until ideas spontaneously pop
up, rather than force my way through an entry. If I had tried to force
my ideas, my columns would have been half letters and half numbers, with
scribblings of stick people in between.
I had and still have no clear agenda with my articles. I guess that
is a good thing, looking back on my all of my work. If any readers out
there have migrated to this blog from Armpit Wrestling, I'm curious to
know what articles of mine were your favourite. During my
just-over-a-year tenure there, I recieved about twenty e-mails in total
from readers, so trust me when I say that I would find the responses
most interesting.
Anyway, the article's title says it all. There are no unanswered
questions... unlike Full House. Did Michelle ever recover from that
horse-riding accident or what? Somebody needs to tell me. Suckas gots ta
know.]
Joy 1: The Dude Love Entrance Theme and Video
Ooh. Hah, hah, hah. Duuuuuuude love (dude love baby). Duuuuuuuude love.
Duuuuuuuuude love. Dahuuuuuude luuuuuuh-uh-uv. I can't remember how many
times I grooved to this song. Probably 17. Look at him tap his feet.
Look at him with his crazy legs. He is the epitome of greatness. My
heros are as follows: God, Dude Love, and Dude Love taking off then
putting on his sunglasses with glee.
Joy 2: Ken Shamrock Being Insane
It was amusing to me that he screamed a lot, with even greater effect
when he applied the ankle lock. I bet back then, if someone gave him an
ice cream cone on-camera, he'd scream at that too. "AHHHHHHHH! VANILLA!"
he'd say as officials try to pry him off from the cone.
By the by, at 'In Your House 34: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six,
Seven, Eight, Nine, Ken', Ice Cream Cone versus Ken Shamrock resulted in
a DCOR.
Joy 3: Hunter Hearst Helmsley Has Equestrian Tights
Triple H wasn't always a guy who wasted bottled water in his entrance.
In the long, long ago, he had those tights with a different coloured
patch in the middle. I thought that was unique, plus his music was tingy
and marvelous. I dare any readers out there to make a sign that says, "HHH
is a horserider". Nobody will get it, but you will have earned my hand
in marriage. Will it be worth it? Totally.
Joy 4: Ahmed Johnson Looks Like A Chocolate, Marble Counter
I never thought Ahmed looked real to me. Growing up, he had a uncanny
sheen that did not appear human. Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
Of course, a lot of people have, but were the aliens shiny? Yeah, well,
that's Ahmed to me.
Joy 5: Vince McMahon sounds like Jerry Seinfeld at Summerslam 1992
Vince McMahon sounds like Jerry Seinfeld at Summerslam 1992. What's the
deal with airline food, peanuts, hot and cold showers, the French, soup,
sandwiches, and WHATAMANEUVER?
Joy 6: "Macho Man" Randy Savage sounds like Chris Farley in his promo
for Wrestlemania 3
Ooh yeah... van down by the river Ricky Steamboat. I watched an old
video of Randy Savage with a floppy hat and suspenders. On the tape, he
spoke like a scared old guy going through reverse puberty -- a process
in which your voice changes from low back to high. Why am I saying this?
I'll never be able to bring up my theory of reverse puberty in
conversation ever again. Let me have my day in the sun.
Joy 7: Chavo Guerrero, Jr.'s Entrance Music Remix in WCW
This was the last one Chavo used, which was originally Eddie's entrance
theme (this time with additions to it). One of the things that brings me
great sadness is that I don't have this song in my possession. I will
get it though. Mark my words. If my name isn't Kerwin White, I will damn
it.
Joy 8: The nWo B-Team Theme
This was a song that didn't suggest so much a pimpy takeover of a
wrestling company, but more like a lazy Sunday afternoon riding on a
children's motorycle.
It was more upbeat, but it still had those great nWo voices still in
there: D-D-D-D-D-Do you want fries with that? It was
pretty unremarkable compared to the official nWo A-Team song, but it was
good times. I remember Buff Bagwell and Vincent used to use this one a
lot. I was a big fan of the Vincent gimmick -- him being a guy named
Vincent. Don't tell me he wasn't popular as all you need to do is count
how many times he main evented WCW WorldWide. I've been told he charges
money for autographs now at conventions. That's a shame since I actually
pay people to take my autograph. I need to get in on that.
Stephen
Rivera is the author of
The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the
internet. To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please
visit The Swerved
every Monday. |
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