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The Power of Morphoplex
Part 2
"The Swerved"
by Stephen Rivera
For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit
The Swerved every
Monday. The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog
entries from the past every week.
------------------
[To refresh your memory, I took a look
at the first part of this article on a previous edition of The Swerved:
Special Edition. When TNA Impact! started out on Spike TV, they were
sponsored by a little company known as Morphoplex. They sold such things
as dietary supplements, self-esteem, and rainbows. Unfortunately, they
are not affiliated with Total Non-stop Action anymore, but sometimes, in
the middle of the night, when you're very quiet... you can hear the
distant sound of fat burning in the moonlight. That, my friends, is
Morphoplex through and through.]
Morphoplex rules. Merry Christmas.
The above introduction is basically all you need. Why say anything more?
Nevertheless, I will provide even more reasons why TNA has the best
sponsor in the history of time. WWE is no match for the Total Non-Stop
Actionosity of Morphoplex: Ultimate Fat Burner. Surely, Wrestlemania has
it's own sponsor, but it tries and fails to match Morphoplex's power.
Snickers Cruncher, WWE says? What's that supposed to do? If snickers
mean laughter and cruncher means one who crunches, that means that WWE
wants to "crunch laughter". The WWE wants to rid the world of comedy?
Well I never.
[I don't understand why Snickers gets to sponsor Wrestlemania
all the time. Snickers is not even that dynamic of a candy bar. I can
make homemade Snickers by melting a block of chocolate and throwing a
canister of Planters peanuts in there. One time, I accidentally put some
Honey Roasted in the batch. It was still better than Snickers. If you
really want to know my feelings on chocolate products in general, I
don't hate candy bars, but I prefer better treats like Twix ice cream...
or M & Ms in a salad.]
Therefore, the math equation is:
The World - The Funny = You Get The 'F' Out, WWE
[Put the 'F' back in, get the 'F' back out, put the 'F' back
in, and you shake it all about. That's an awesome song. I'm bumping that
track in my car.]
Fact 6: Will travel to the moon... just for kicks.
Do you recall the time when Max Moon debuted in the WWF and was
supposedly from the moon, but was actually TNA's own Konnan? Also, do
you remember when Konnan revealed to the wrestling world that he was
actually Lance Bass of *NSYNC? How about him saying that he wanted to go
on the moon, and paid the Russians millions of his hard earned dollars
to make his dream come true, but he ended up not making the trip when it
was revealed that the moon was just a fan of Justin Timberlake? If you
don't, Morphoplex does. While it is aiming to make the very same trip,
it will not make the same mistake as Konnan. It will don a Justin
Timberlake costume if need be.
Like the song goes, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,
you're eating it the wrong way." Morphoplex was always curious about
space travel, as it feels that weightlessness on the moon seems to be
just a lazy excuse for obese people to stop eating Subway sandwiches
three times a day. Jared didn't try to do that and he's fine. He didn't
need to go to the moon to feel better about himself.
[As far as Jared Fogle from the Subway commercials is
concerned, I can hold a big ass pair of pants too, and I don't even do
commercials. Of course, I don't own big pants, but I sure can hold them.
I feel bad for those who ate Subway all day in a misguided attempt to
lose weight. Do you know how much it costs for a six-inch sub with one
slice of ham at Subway? Your first born. Your first born times three
meals per day equals a lot of first born children.]
When the task is complete, Morphoplex will be the first supplement in
space. It will take the American flag that oddly flaps in the moon's
winds and replace it with a banner of TNA. On a very silent night, you
will hear Martians in space chanting "T-N-A" or "shiny shirt". Keep your
ears up to the sky for that.
Fact 7: Can impregnate every female wrestler/valet in the
industry (plus one guy).
Morphoplex has no reproductive organs, but that's no reason for it to
quit trying to make babies. By creating a set of organs with the
assistance of duct tape, Play-Doh, and pipe cleaners, Morphoplex will be
able to "get it on". It's an accomplishment in itself for a bottle of
weight loss pills to "do the deed", but were you aware that Morphoplex's
seed is so potent, that the women of wrestling that it "threads the
needle" with won't be the only ones that will be with child? Even other
lovely ladies, both overseas and in independent wrestling organizations,
will inadvertently house Morphoplex, Jrs. It's true-- Morphoplex's
swimmers have passports and have the ability to impregnate women in
other continents.
[An individual who shall remain nameless pointed out to me
that Morphoplex does not impregnate women. I was so relieved because I
used to store my Morphoplex pills inside of female birth canals.]
Yet, it does not stop there. Morphoplex is strong enough to knock up
males too. How does that work? Oh... I don't know... how about... magic,
bitch?! Moreover, Morphoplex is a genetic jackhammer the likes that we
have never seen. Can Vince McMahon be that great? Well, he did help
produce two children, but he's a human with a functional organ.
Morphoplex doesn't even have a set of Simon & Garfunkels.
Unfortunately, Morphoplex can only impregnate one lucky man, but who is
it? TNA is no stranger to this fellow. I know that for sure.
Surprisingly, Morphoplex will mate with Dusty Rhodes. He will be
pregnant, or may have already been pregnant, for approximately 121
months. Congratulations to the both of them.
[I'm a fan of Dusty Rhodes because he reminds me of an
inebriated uncle at a petting zoo. Get your mind around that.]
Fact 8: Makes Raven's angst disappear through baking.
What about him? What about Raven? Well, he has a secret. It is the key
to his depression and grim state of mind. Morphoplex may not be an
expert in human emotion, but it knows food. After all, food is
Morphoplex's enemy.
So, what about him? What about Raven? Well, Raven loves one thing and
one thing only...
Bundt. Cake.
[Bundt cake is pretty tempting to me as well. I compare Bundt
cake to a girl I knew in high school who was fairly good looking. She
took a liking to me because I had the one thing no other guy in school
had -- a time portal. Her infatuation ceased when she found out the
farthest I could go back was only 1979.]
Truly, Morphoplex can make a Bundt cake so tasty (and healthy) that it
could change a human's outlook on life. How do I know this is to be
true? Morphoplex made me a cinnamon bun once... and now I'm somehow
Jewish.
[Yeah, my real name is Stephen Goldstein. Quit all that
narrischkeit, you schlub.]
I'm sure there are doubters towards these weight loss pills' skills.
You'd think that Morphoplex would have to bake a pretty good Bundt cake
to get Raven's seal of approval. IT CAN. To say anything more would be a
disservice to its talent.
Do you know why Raven knows all those complicated words and phrases that
play a significant part in his promos? In actuality, Raven believes that
dictionaries are the only thing that carry the same consistency and
density as the perfect Bundt cake, so he eats them out of spite and
naturally learns about language. Although, that's partly why he has so
much anger. "Raven ate a Webster's! That's not meant for digestion! I
DON'T HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE!" Mike Tenay would say.
[I mention Mike Tenay too much, but it's out of love. Hearing
him commentate is like watching a fawn try to stay upright. "You can do
it. You're almost there. Whoa, that's too upright. Alright, I get it.
Enough already."]
Just watch. One day, you'll see the sloppy, old Raven spewing phrases
about dark issues like death and arts & crafts. The next day, he'll be
eating Bundt cake as a new man. "Quote the Raven. I'd like some more."
How haunting.
Fact 9: Signed Vince McMahon to a 20-year deal, just so it could
be entertained by him competing in the X-Division.
Vince McMahon might be the best thing to happen in the wrestling
business, but with the snap of Morhoplex's non-existent fingers, he can
be so much more.
In the biggest signing ever, Morphoplex will convince Vince McMahon to
leave the company he built from his bare ass (w/ tricks) and sign with
the hottest wrestling organization in this hemisphere. What will become
of his beloved WWE? Triple H and Triple Steph will take over, and
everything will be right in the world. "Let's bring in the Geico lizard
and put him over Shelton Benjamin." Why, that's the bee's knees, good
sir and ma'am.
The "twisting-Jamaican-double-flip-senton-frontsault-into-your-mom's-house
'06" will become the finishing move of the ages. Five years from the
now, in the very distant future, Vincent Kennedy McMahon will be
remembered for inventing the aforementioned maneuver. Although, they
won't name it after him. Why? Isn't it obvious that only Vince McMahon
could create such an amazing move? That's what I thought.
[In my fake backyard wrestling league called the WWW (World
Wrestling World), I invented moves from different locations of the
world. I had the Serbian and Montenegron Sidekick, the Norwegian Suplex,
and the U.S.S.Armbar. I just invented the last one a few minutes ago
when I was looking at an old map. I'm great.]
McMahon will end up a TNA legend. I can see it now in my crystal ball.
During Ultimate X #85, Vince McMahon will walk along the cables like a
tightrope walker, then grab the large red "X". The only difference is
that he won't unhook it. Instead, he'll trademark that very letter and
nobody will be able to use it ever again. Next, everyone will cheer and
hand him their wallets and only children, just because he's so damn
wonderful.
Anyway, I feel really bad about Vince McMahon holding claim to the
letter X. I'm sorry that you will cease to exist, adult themed film. I
regret to inform you that YYY will take your place in the movie rating
system.
[There's something perverted about the letter Y I can't put
my finger on... probably because I'd get a disease if I tried to put my
finger there. If you think about it, the letter Y looks like an
upside-down woman spreading her legs. Why is she doing that? Because
she's stretching. That's friggin' disgusting.]
Fact 10: Morphoplex. Will. Not. Die.
We all know the never-ending saga of fans accusing Lita of being the
Mary-Poppins-handbag of professional wrestling ("Who or what else do you
have 'in there', Lita? So, there was of course Matt Hardy... and Edge...
and... let me see here. What the hell? A lampshade? That's just gross,
Amy.") The difference between a Morphoplex and a Matt Hardy is fairly
simple. Matt Hardy moves backwards in life, but Morphoplex moves
forward. Edge moves diagonally and I have no idea why. I'm guessing he's
itchy.
[Weird RAW recollection coming at you. When Matt Hardy told
Edge that he hoped he would die in a car crash, I didn't know what to
think. If he only hoped Edge would die in a car crash, would Matt be
disappointed if Edge didn't die that way? Now that I think of it, that's
not a satisfying threat at all.
You see, I can hope to own a unicorn, but I would be simply
expressing my desire to have one. I wouldn't expect to receive a unicorn
anytime soon, but I'd be entertaining the idea. I bet I could play ring
toss on the unicorn's horn and stuff. Good times. So, what Matt should
have said to strengthen his character and motivation was the following:
"Edge, when you die in a car crash, you will have a Viking funeral,
except you will be placed on a slab of wood instead of a boat. There
will be no compromise on this. Oh yeah... instead of a river of water,
your carcass will float on a river of acid." See, that's mean AND
decisive.]
Morphoplex will not die. If TNA cheated on Morphoplex with another fat
burning solution, Morphoplex wouldn't go on the internet and post
emotional, heartfelt, and angry journal entries on www.THEMorphoplex.com.
It would suck it up and post emotional, heartfelt, and promotional
journal entries:
TNA is TN-NAY
TNA screwed me. I still love her, but it will be hard to forgive her. On
the plus side, I lost ten pounds in one week due to the power of me.
[Deep down, I think I'm not a fan of Mike Tenay; I never
realized how much I mentioned him in a negative manner. In another life,
I'm sure Mike Tenay went to the bathroom in my cereal or something like
that. Though, I guess that's understandable since I was eating "Toilet
Duck" cereal at the time.]
-Morphoplex Version 1.0
The Power of Morphoplex Summary:
-Morphoplex will help TNA crush WWE
-Morphoplex is your father
-Morphoplex will love again
-Morphoplex is the Morhoplexiest thing you will ever encounter
-One glorious day, the Lord came down upon the heavens, then said unto
his people "Morphoplex". The civilians rejoiced and ran through the dirt
streets, spreading the good word to the other villagers. Post haste,
they started adding Morphoplex to their drinking water and food supply.
They even hung bottles of Morphoplex in their homes to ward off demonic
spirits. It worked well for a while, until there was a problem. People
were becoming very ill. The elders and small children of the village
were as sickly as can be. So, the civilians marched down to the square,
pleading to the sky for an answer. "Why have you forsaken us?" they
asked. After much prayer, The Lord descended once again. He was then
handed a heavenly bottle that contained the source of all that was pure
and holy in the natural world. The Lord was astonished. He looked at the
label and tasted the contents. "Whoops. These are Tic Tacs," he
proclaimed. They responded with a collective, disappointed sigh. (Moral
of the Story: Morphoplex is still great. Tic Tacs are harmful to your
health...and throw like a girl.)
[I used to write Biblical stories with absurd endings. They
would mostly end in the villagers receiving a turkey sandwich or a
plunger from the heavens when they asked for lunchy sustenance or an
unclogged shower drain. One of my stories involved Moses parting the Red
Sea by popping a Mentos. In conclusion, I am a profilic writer who makes
million of dollars per piece of literature. I possess a great
personality and I am also incredibly attractive in a physical sense to
many beautiful women with childbearing hips.]
Stephen
Rivera is the author of
The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the
internet. To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please
visit The Swerved
every Monday. |
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