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Performance Enhancer
"The Swerved"
by Stephen Rivera
For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit
The Swerved every
Monday. The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog
entries from the past every week.
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Steroid allegations are running rampant as I speak.
Athletes are accusing other athletes of fooling around with syringe
mistresses. Wrestlers are accusing other wrestlers of using the juice.
Performance enhancing drugs opens a concaved gateway to cheating and
lies. I hate each and every individual who uses steroids because they
are taking the convenient escalator to success instead of the stairs.
Before crazy rumours surface about Stephen Rivera cheating the system of
sport, or Stephen Rivera stripping naked in public before sliding along
the World's Largest Crocodile Mile, let me assure the galaxy that I have
never taken steroids. In reality, steroids have been given to me. While
I have sprinkled some on various vegetarian pizzas, I have not willingly
possessed them. You see, one day my friend said, "Hey, try this cereal."
In her grasp, she had a bowl of what appeared to be Cheerios, except the
cereal bits were solid, white, and round. Without hesitation, she put a
spoon to my mouth and fed me. I thought it was tasty, but I did not
enjoy it. That is not voluntary.
I don't know why wrestlers feel the need to take performance enhancing
drugs, creams, and lotions. It won't get them farther up the card; it
won't put them above other performers in appearance. Just because
somebody is three thousand or so pounds of musclish tone does not mean
he is worthy to be champion. Many people claim that Vince McMahon is a
hypocrite because he uses steroids, yet is critical of others who do the
same. While that is all well and good in Happy Time Land, Vince McMahon
doesn't count. You think the chairman of WWE needs to better himself
synthetically? All he does is hire people who work out his body parts
for him while he sits there Vince McMahoning. How ignorant of you to
think otherwise.
As far as I know, sports entertainers can easily achieve a ripped
appearance just by working out their triceps and forceps and eating old
WWF ice cream bars (the toughness of the expired bars strengthens jaw
and facial muscles via consistent chewing). Take a look at a guy like
Brian Kendrick and you'll see that he chooses not to obey my directions.
Kendrick is a gigantic mastodon of power, his physique made possible by
the discoveries of modern science. While I'm sure casual fans believe
Spanky is the bee's knees, in my world, bees don't have knees. Instead,
they have contempt for people who use steroids.
Although I am confident I will never test positive for any banned
substances ever, I defend any accusations with the following reasons:
Fact 1: I had a fever, and the only prescription was
more steroids.
Fact 2: I married into a family who were half Spanish,
half steroids.
Fact 3: During the Y2K scare, news reports suggested to
stock up on water and canned goods in case of a drastic emergency. I
foresaw even greater adversity, so I gathered a team of scientists to
create a combatant force to save the world. Surprisingly, they created
the super steroid: a steroid pill the size of Antarctica. With this
substance implanted into my system, I planned to punch UFOs out of the
atmosphere if aliens ever tried to conquer earth, but luckily I never
had to use my ability.
Fact 4: I won a small town raffle. I did not know the
first prize was steroids. I wanted to win the second prize, which was a
heart-shaped throw pillow with Ahmed Johnson's face on it. Man, that
would have been sweet.
Fact 5: I stood next to a bodybuilder in an elevator
once. He coughed, then I breathed in his cough. Now I test positive for
a lot of things.
Fact 6: I was playing rock, paper, scissors. I drew
rock; my opponent drew steroids. Steroids cover rock.
Fact 7: I went to church and instead of a wafer of
bread, the priest gave me a wafer of steroids. Holy crap.
Fact 8: I watched Test wrestled once. Involuntarily, my
eyes took steroids.
Fact 9: During the 2006 Diva Search, I tried to vote
for the lovely JT Tinney because I thought that since she had several
children, she would be the perfect candidate to be on the road for over
300 days of the year while wearing very little clothing for 299 days of
the year. The Miz told me to text in my diva for the number to win 2.5
dollars every other week, but I accidentally pressed the wrong key on
the number pad of my state-of-the-art, blocky, grey cell phone. What
number did I press? The "Take Steroids Now" button.
Fact 10: I tried to order Cyber Sunday on my cable box,
but my remote control was malfunctioning. While I did end up watching
the event, it was billed to me thrice. When I received my cable bill, it
was made of 50% recycled paper and 50% steroids. I don't have a waste
container, or a garbage disposal, so I voted unanimously to eat the
bill.
Fact 11: I thought the video game I was playing was
called Asteroids.
Fact 12: My dog ate the urine sample I was supposed to
submit. Yes, I know liquid can only be drank, but my dog freezed it
first. Can I get an extension?
Fact 13: My body naturally produces pills and syringes
filled with steroids. When I hold in a sneeze, I accidentally ingest and
inject said steroids. Whose fault is that? The concept of the human
body's.
Fact 14: I'm holding these steroids in my body for a
friend. He should be back from my washroom, with the large window,
overlooking the Mexican border, in the vicinity of an international
airport, in a few minutes.
Fact 15: I was watching a movie in 3-D. There was in a
scene in which a guy who looked a lot like me took a bunch of steroids
and threw them at the audience. One of them probably went in my mouth,
but I had my eyes closed at the time... and I have no feeling in my
mouth.
Fact 16: I didn't have any grey poupon.
Fact 17: Mine ears doth hear a twitter? You say I have
consumed a drug of the performance enhancing kind, old chap? Sorry, I do
not speak English.
Fact 18: In France, they called it Le Steroid. I don't
speak French either. Bonsoir.
Fact 19: "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner is alive on
this planet, just like me. In our lifetimes up until this point, I must
have touched a penny somewhere that he has also touched.
Fact 20: How can you say I took steroids when I'm just
about to take them now? Oh, burn. I so showed you.
Stephen
Rivera is the author of
The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the
internet. To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please
visit The Swerved
every Monday. |
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