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The Swerved Recordings:

Samoa Joe

"The Swerved"

by Stephen Rivera

For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit The Swerved every Monday.  The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog entries from the past every week.

January 8, 2007

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Professional wrestling is a peculiar beast. Feuds fueled by hatred and instances of betrayal are settled inside of a springy, elevated board of wood with elastic ropes around it. Winners are determined by a referee, who may or may not have a part-time gig at Foot Locker, counting to three on a mat of dried man-sweat. Private conversations backstage are televised to millions to... make them more private? I'm not entirely positive why wrestling is so popular yet looked down upon by distinguished gentleman who wear two monocles at once, but I guess that is just the nature of the beast.

Though, perhaps I may introduce the haters to the power of music as a means to sway their opinions to the right. They may prefer to indulge in nothing but the classical, like Johann Sebastian Bach or JoJo, but have they ever heard the audible joy of TNA wrestling extraordinaire Samoa Joe? Is that a no? That's what I thought.

To the surprise of many, Samoa Joe is about to bring wrestling fans and wrestling "pans" (those who pan the sport) to their knees with his debut LP. Welcome to the marriage of two of the greatest things to ever be associated with each other -- professional wrestling and bees. Could I bee any more serious? Yes.

This 2007, get ready for Samoa Joe's "None of Joe Beeswax."

Samoa Joe takes us into the underbelly of the one of the world's most dangerous professions: beekeeping. In TNA, Joe may be able to defeat the biggest and toughest of competitors, but is his will to dominate any match for the grandiose power of the lowly worker bee? Witness Joe weave an incredible tale of man versus bee interaction. Let the ultimate battle commence. Can the Kokina Clutch defeat That Stinger Stuck on Your Left Arm That You Forgot To Take Out? This album will lay it all out for you.

What do the critics say? The buzz on this album is tremendous:

"A perfect mix of the isle of Samoa and an insect that is always buzzing around my plate at a barbeque. Get the hell away from me, you damn bee. I'm trying to eat my steak here. Ah, now he's on my hat." - WWE's Jim Ross

"Pele." - Don West

"If I were a beekeeper, and a wrestling fan, I would totally pimp this s*** out." - Former First Lady Hilary Rodham Clinton

"I'm using a stack of these CDs as an artificial peg leg. It works okay." - Zach Gowen

"To bee or not to bee? There is no question." - Sir Todd Grisham

"Bee-autiful and un-bee-lievable. This album will make you want to B.Y.O.B. -- Bee Your Own Bee" - Punny Pun Pun Punman-Wong

"I don't know what you're talking about, Stanley." - Old Man Petersen Down the Road

"Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." - Faulty Intercom

Samoa Joe - None of Joe Beeswax: Track Listing

1. Joe Honey, Joe Problems
2. Comb Alone
3. A Bee Will Sting You, Then It Will Die (Because It Does Not Think Long-Term)
4. Yellow and Black Attack
5. Queen Bee Trifling
6. Muscle BuSting
7. One, Two, Three, Four, Hive
8. Samoan Elvis Presley and The Amazing Technicolour Beekeeper's Uniform (Part 1)
9. Towel Round My Nectar
10. Honey on Pancakes is Weird
11. Make You Bumble
12. Proboscis Take Yo Flower
13. Wing It
14. Along Came Pollen
15. Samoan Elvis Presley and The Amazing Technicolour Beekeeper's Uniform (Part 2)

It's Samoa Joe in your face. It's friggin' bees all up in your biddness. What more could you ask for?

Samoa Joe - "None of Joe Beeswax"
Produced by The Swerved Recordings
In stores very, almost, very, almost, very soon.

This Week in Samoan Josephs of the Week:

Q: Did you know TNA's Samoa Joe, former X-Division Champion and internet darling, used to sport an impressive beard of bees, yet shaved it off due to the insistance of Dixie Carter and TNA Management?

A: Absolutely. When you represent a company, you need cut, friendly

Stephen Rivera is the author of The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the internet.  To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please visit The Swerved every Monday.