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I.A.S.
Initials Are Super
"The Swerved"
by Stephen Rivera
For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit
The Swerved every
Monday. The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog
entries from the past every week.
January 15, 2007
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WWE loves their
initials. As of this very moment, about one out of every one performers
uses some sort of abbreviation for their name or nickname. I don't see
what's wrong with calling a person by their full moniker, but if you're
going to present a bunch of letters together, they better sound good in
sequence. Fortunately, the wrestling world is full of ingenuity, staying
away from three-letter names such as ABC or QQQ. The WWE loves initials
so much, they are a three-letter entity in and of itself. Also, the WWE
proposed marriage to the concept of acronyms the other day. The decision
is pending, but appears favourable.
Why are three-letter initials so prevalent in wrestling and the world in
general? I guess it's because they're so fun to say...
XFL
Hey, look at that -- Xtreme Foosball League. I'm a creative genius. I
bet it'd be funny if Vince McMahon created something with the name XFL,
but instead of the players using a foosball, they'd use something like a
football. Also, instead of foosball players, Vince would employ real
football players. Isn't that something? Yeah, that's terrific. I'm
laughing out loud at this idea. I'm also laughing in quiet.
Let me present to you some of wrestling's most infamous three-letter
initials in the modern day:
RKO:
Ar-Kay-Oh
Never has the initials of a human been so devastating. Randy Orton's
full name is Randall Keith Orton; when you abbreviate his name, it
becomes RKO; Randy Orton's finishing move is the RKO. Therefore, when
Randy Orton defeats an opponent with the RKO, he's defeating the
grappler with the essence of his being. Although one may perceive the
RKO finisher as the "Randy Knockout," that phrase makes no sense at all.
If it's not a technical knockout out, why would the knockout be randy?
Why would a knockout be aroused?
Do you want to know why I'm not a professional wrestler? If I hit a
person with the SKO (my "real" real name is Sontel Kontavious Orter),
I would simply be attacking the man with letters. Because I am who I am,
my name in Latin doesn't translate into an actual wrestling move. While
I'm positive that I could hurt my opponent by throwing comically large
S, K, and O letters at him, only the letter K has a 30% chance of
wounding my adversary due to its jagged nature. Sadly, the S and O are
smooth and childproof. On the other hand, because Orton is Orton, his
name in Latin somehow means "Grab A Dude By The Neck, Then Jump, Then
Fall Down". That's why he gets paid the big bucks and I'm stuck here...
throwing letters at him.
JBL:
Jibb-el
I've always thought John "Bradshaw" Layfield was a fantastic speaker of
words. If his words could wrestle, his words would be whatever the
textual equivalent of Chris Benoit is. Thankfully, he has found his
niche as the colour commentator on Friday Night Smackdown with Michael
Cole. While JBL excels at the English language, Michael Cole does not.
If Michael Cole's words could wrestle, his words would be whatever the
textual equivalent of Michael Cole is.
Way back when JBL was wrestling and jiggling his way to the top of WWE,
his persona gave birth to many ingenious moniker parodies. There was a
time when I thought wrestling signs with the words "Just A Big Loser"
were clever. After the 10,000th instance I saw the sign in the audience,
I changed my mind. Today, the trend still hasn't stopped; I have to
remind myself that if these fans couldn't hold up such signs, they would
be displaying signs with "Cena" and "John Cena" instead. I'm very happy
that they know a wrestler's name, but would it kill them to be a tad
more creative? Sometimes when I see a sign that simply says, "Batista,"
I feel the need to add words beneath the name to make the sign more
dynamic:
Possibility Uno: Batista is Coming
Possibility Dos: Batista is Here
Possibility Tres: Batista Just Left (You Missed Him When You
Bought Those Nachos) [Maybe He'll Come Back If He Wants Some of Your
Nachos]
I have never been successful in changing a stranger's sign at a WWE live
event, but that's probably because I always forget to bring a marker. I
end up attempting to change a fellow fan's sign by eating a blue
popsicle, then using my tongue to write. I am 0 for 234 attempts.
HHH:
Huh-Huh-Huh
I'm often saddened when I watch an old tape involving the Greenwich Snob
Hunter Hearst Helmsley. I grew up with that version of Hunter and I am
unwilling to let that period of my life go. When I see him today in all
of his stringy-haired, wrinkly-foreheaded, H-y, H-esque, H-ish glory, I
yearn back to a time when Paul Levesque had a spring in his step and a
ribbon securing his ponytail. Where did the ribbon go, Triple H? Did you
lose it? When you lost it, did you lose your sense of wonder and whimsy
too? For shame, Hunter. Let's get ready to suck the life right out of a
young man's childhood -- my childhood.
I'm sure Triple H hated playing that character, but I loved it. I never
met a person from Greenwich, nor a Hunter or a Hearst or a Helmsley, but
if I did, I think I'd be pretty disappointed if the man, woman, or child
didn't neatly fold his or her red coat first before gracefully bowing to
me. I don't know about you, but if someone I just met did that for me,
I'd probably take a bullet for him or her. It would be a bullet made out
of a Flintstones chewable, but a bullet nonetheless.
Y2J:
Why-Tew-Jay
Chris Jericho's World Wrestling Federation debut in 1999 was a lovely
one. There was a countdown, the lights went out, his name appeared
amongst footage of busy streets and a scantily glad woman leaping. Soon
enough, he showed up with a pineapple-tail (akin to a ponytail, but on
top of the head, rather than at the back), which bewildered The Rock.
"Pineapples are strictly for juice and sometimes pizza," said The Rock
in a memorable moment I made up in mind this very sentence.
Jericho was deemed The Millenium Man and I agreed because historians
determined that the beginning of the 21st century was the "C'MON,
BAY-BAY!" time period where man put one foot on the defeated 20th
century while flexing in a cheesy manner.
Though, I never understood what Chris Jericho's initials stood for...
1) Y2J = Year Two Jericho? (What unit of measurement is a
Jericho? Would it be like half of a nanometer? I'm no not good at the
geometry.)
2) Y2J = Year To Jericho? (I did not know the year belonged to
him. Would he mind if I used some of that year? I simply want to borrow
it. I'll bring it back if he needs it. When another year goes on sale,
I'll buy it, but I need to use that year now.)
3) Y2J = Year too, Jericho. (Whenever Chris would walk into a
room, his first question would be, "So, 1984 is just a novel by George
Orwell, right?" Soon after, somebody would correct him by saying, "Year
too, Jericho." It makes sense to me, but I bet it'd throw a few people
off.)
RVD:
Rob-Van-Dam
These three letters made Extreme Championship Wrestling what it was in
the mid to late 1990's. The first thing I think about when I hear the
name ECW is Rollerjam on The Nashville Network. If ECW is mentioned once
more, I think RVD, but those jammers sure knew how to roll. Don't you
forget it.
Like JBL, many signs have parodied Rob's initials. One time, a fan held
up a sign which read, "Rob has VD." When I saw that, I let out a
chuckle. A second later, I furiously wrote a letter to Rob Van Dam,
urging him to see a doctor about his terrible condition of the groin.
Looking back, I'm glad I never sent that letter. I did what my life
coach Mr. Kevin told me to do instead: I wrote that letter, sealed it in
a fancy envelope, left it on my night stand, and thought about the
decision before a productive fifteen hours of sleep. My life coach told
me if I still felt the same the next morning, I could send the letter,
but it turns out my feelings waned.
To this day, Rob Van Dam doesn't know he has a venereal disease. Even if
the news of his condition is in jest, that's some sad fake news right
there. I'm crying fake tears. In wrestling, fake tears are scripted
tears. I am crying tears as per the script indicates.
This WWEek in Initials of the WWEek:
Q: Did you know that the World Wrestling Federation, now the sports
entertainment juggernaut known as WWE, had to change its name due to a
young panda bear accidentally killing another panda bear with the letter
F of the WWF logo?
A: Sure, but the
E is just as deadly. If you stuck a stick in the side of the letter E,
you would have made yourself a fine pitchfork.
Stephen
Rivera is the author of
The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the
internet. To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please
visit The Swerved
every Monday.
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