|
Main
Features
Extras
|
Pro-Con Marathon
"The Swerved"
by Stephen Rivera
For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit
The Swerved every
Monday. The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog
entries from the past every week.
December 18, 2006
------------------
Wrestling personalities are not perfect. When it
comes down to it, wrestlers are just regular people trying to make an
unorthodox living in this crazy world. They somersault out of bed like
the rest of us, and put their pants on one arm at a time, like a lot of
us. In lieu of a toothbrush, they will not brush their teeth with gold
doubloons akin to the habits of the wealthy. Instead, they will
construct their own toothbrush out of a small twig and a collection of
stray cat hairs. While these beings may be dubbed Superstars by
such wrestling companies as World Wrestling Entertainment, these
wrestlers have many a flaw.
Although there are negatives to each and every one of them, they carry
positive traits as well. Do you want to find out the good and bad of the
sports entertainers of the day? Of course you do, but I'm tired. I'm
going to my bungalow. I'll be back soon.
Just kidding. I don't have a bungalow. See, if I was featured on the
following list, my lack of a bungalow would go in the 'CON' pile.
Understand? You learn something new every day. You can thank me later,
but for now, let's take a gander at this here list. Like the genius
Shelton Benjamin says, prepare to be edgemaclated.
Carlito (RAW)
Carlito has been with Maria, Trish Stratus, and Torrie Wilson. What
kind of list is he trying to complete here? Is it some kind of perverted
version of Victoria's list?
+ Hair defies gravity.
+ 20 side-revolutions in suspension per leap into air.
+ Strong velocity of saliva.
- Has never tried oranges.
- Cracks backs (part-time, unlicensed chiropractor).
- Strong dislike for people who are warm.
Rob Van Dam (ECW)
Mr. Monday Night became Mr. Thursday Night, then Mr. Monday Night
again before transforming into Mr. Tuesday Night. How indecisive of him.
I bet that's why there is no Mrs. Monday/Thursday/Tuesday night, at
least in storyline.
+ Educated legs have just received their Masters degree.
+ Does not use chairs in the conventional way.
+ Could point his thumbs to others, but chooses to point to himself.
- Posterior sweat.
- Enemy is oregano.
- Wears airbrushed Long Johns in the winter.
Michael Cole (Smackdown)
Michael Cole... to the skull.
+ Is a human.
+ Clearly aware of objects in front of him, such as a large desk.
+ Uses mouth to speak.
- Not this way! Not this way! Damnit!
- Oh my!
- Uses mouth to speak.
Paul Heyman (ECW/Nothing)
Vince McMahon loves Paul Heyman so much, he sent him home early so
Paul could get a head start on his Christmas/Hanukkah shopping. If Paul
is reading this, Vince wants a suit, but an entirely new suit that has
no relation to the more extreme suit you gave him many Christmases ago.
Also, it should be nothing like the suit you presented to him at Suit's
One Night Stand.
+ Magical skullet grants wishes aplenty for the unfortunate.
+ Has a backstage pass to the ECW logo apparently. I can't even get into
that logo.
+ Gorilla suit doubles as 2000 era Albert/A-Train Halloween costume.
- Appeared in Rollerball.
- Discarded convenient luxury of a "Zack Morris" cellular phone.
- Lets the bodies hit the floor, lets the bodies hit the floor, lets the
bodies hit the... floor.
Abyss (TNA)
To set the record straight, Abyss is not a ripoff of Kane, nor is he
an inadequate copy of Mankind. Although, if you close one eye and squint
the other, he's a dead ringer for a masked Rosie O'Donnell.
+ Popularized the Black Hole Slam, which is quite the infamous maneuvre
in several male prisons.
+ Does not wear a mask to hide a disfigurement, but to smell some of
that Febreeze air freshener he just sprayed on the mask's interior. It
smells nice. When he wears the Febreeze mask, he's donning a constant
reminder of why life is beautiful on his face.
+ Billed as 6'8", realistically 6'4", but actually 13 feet tall if you
stack a fake Abyss on top of a real Abyss.
- Forever holds a broken chain as he tries desperately to find out who
took his banana seat bicycle.
- Aggressive streak triggered by a manager who presses an imaginary
button. Let me flick this imaginary switch here and see what happens. Oh
crap. Abyss just started baking cupcakes. Ah man, they're vanilla.
- Hoards bags of thumbtacks, depriving bulletin boards of much needed
life purpose.
Batista (Smackdown)
When Batista wears a suit, I think, "This guy is a superstar." When I
watch him wrestle, I say "Hey, look at the guy in the front row with a
cell phone in his hand. Is he saying hello to me? I don't think I know
him. Wait, did I go to elementary school with that guy? Is that Bertram?
Was it Bertram or Bernard? I know it's something with a B. Oh, now the
man next to him is on the phone. Hold on, I think I saw that man in a
restaurant once. I remember that he ate a lot of shrimp. Was it shrimp
or crayfish? His haircut is familiar too. Oh, it was shrimp. That
restaurant was good. Is he sporting a bowl cut?"
+ Invisible machine gun will come in handy in the upcoming battle
against invisible zombies.
+ Shakes ropes to detect durability of ropes.
+ Has asthma, like other wild and scary animals who have respiratory
problems.
- Named his finisher The Batista Bomb, which is the same move he
utilizes when he has the runs.
- Has an abundance of shirts, but still wears a women's tanktop,
popularized by such figures as Shawn Michaels and Shad from Cryme Tyme.
- Invisible machine gun no match for actual gun, let alone a Nerf gun.
The Boogeyman (Smackdown)
The Boogeyman was fired, but now he is hired. There goes WWE's
acquisition of a billion oversized alarm clocks.
+ Uses only two moves so there is enough moves to go around for the
other wrestlers during the holidays.
+ Singlehandedly supports the worm retail industry.
+ Wooden staff of smoke is great tribute to promiscuous girls everywhere
who constantly smoke wooden staffs.
- Is, more often than not, coming to get me.
- Stole Darth Maul's makeup kit from his vanity cabinet.
- Absence of teeth encourages rude slurping at the dinner table.
Jim Cornette (TNA)
Mid-Southern accent about old-school wrestling and companies I've
never heard of. Mid-Southern accent with passive-aggressive commentary
about people he dislikes. Mid-Southern accent with big eyeglasses.
+ Amount of anger towards Vince Russo can be generated into electric
power for the benefit of a large town or small city.
+ Could pose as my high school science teacher and get away with it.
Sodium and chlorine makes Chlorium Soride. Thanks, Teach.
+ Tennis racket.
- Will not buy a cheeseburger with today's pricing because he refuses to
forget the days when you could purchase a burger, a large drink, a
basket of fries, and a moonpie with 1) half of a penny, or 2) the
bartering of a pristine beaver pelt.
- Managed the Midnight Express, but not the Late Afternoon Express. I
don't take kindly to those who have a grudge against 3:00 to 4:00pm
PST/EST.
- No tennis balls.
Gregory Helms (Smackdown)
I don't blame Gregory Helms for his bad attitude. I would be mad too
if I lost my mild-mannered reporting job at the Daily Globe. Where my
dental benefits at, bitches?
+ Says his name at the beginning of his entrance theme to dispel rumours
of his name change to Luscious Q. Rockefeller.
+ Cruiserweight Championship doubles as a backup hot plate when exposed
to the hot sun for 10-15 minutes
+ Gregory is the ultimate wrestling name, followed by Voldemort.
- When dropping "The Hurricane" persona, refused to downgrade himself to
"The Tropical Disturbance".
- Forever hurt the livelihood of the Hamburglar. Shoot. Hamburglar gots
kids to feed.
- Shining Wizard has no connection to my idol -- The Shiny Wizard.
Kurt Angle (TNA)
If you are paying close enough attention, the Kurt Angle of the
modern day sounds nothing like the Kurt Angle of the WWF from 1999 to
2000. I know battery acid is delicious, but why Kurt why?
+ If you think about it, participated in bouts likely to be found on
anybody's Top 10 WWE Matches of All-Time List. For instance, Kurt Angle
versus Maria was pretty spiffy.
+ "It's real, it's damn real!" is a good catchphrase because I was
convinced it wasn't real at first, but when he aggressively said it was
real a second time, I was more inclined to accept the notion in theory.
I'd be also swayed if spoke to me in the nature of "Easter Bunny, Easter
Bunny Mother****er!"
+ Every time he hurts his neck, an angel gets its wings. As of this
moment, every angel in heaven has 8 pairs of wings.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Samoa Joe: Angle tries to
fight off Joe, who believes Angle's Olympic gold medal is made out of
chocolate.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Daniel Puder: Instead of a
shootfight, Puder and Angle engage in a turned-based strategy battle.
Angle will use Argon 4 Spell Casting with Xephor Knight Armor, while
Puder will employ his Zumoron Staff of the Almighty with 120 Healing
Potential. Wait for the hit, wait for the hit. Okay, it's your turn.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Kurt Angle:
Kurt must answer the question "Does Kurt Angle wrestle in the ring, or
is the ring wrestling Kurt Angle?"
Stephen
Rivera is the author of
The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the
internet. To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please
visit The Swerved
every Monday.
|
|
