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The Interviewerved

The Wrestling Professor and I

"The Swerved"

by Stephen Rivera

For Stephen's latest blog entries, please visit The Swerved every Monday.  The Armpit is privileged to post classic Swerved blog entries from the past every week.

December 11, 2006

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Last time, I delved deep into the mind of The Wrestling Professor. When it was all said and done, I uncovered diamonds of truth from the African mines of his brain. This week, he delves deep into me. I'm so glad that the previous sentence didn't come off as dirty. Even if it did, can't a man ask another man about his thoughts and feelings without the process coming off as effeminate? Come on, people. Keep it together...

No, I don't mean "keep" "it" "together". Every last one of you sicken me, but do enjoy part two of two of The Interviewerved with The Wrestling Professor.

-Stephen


*****

"...I guess you could dress one of them in a top hat or something." -Myself on the fighters of the UFC

Stephen Rivera: Statistics.
-Current owner/writer of The Swerved.
-Former writer of ArmpitWrestling.com.
-If asked, will jump start your car without the need for jumper cables, or a car.
-Finishing Move: juggles with his opponent’s limbs (still attached).

10 Questions

#1: Rivera. That’s a Hispanic name, isn’t it? Yet you’re from Canada. Please explain your ethnicity, your cultural roots, languages spoken, bones broken, when she awoken, who you jokin’, and how you feel about Hoboken.

S: If you ever see me in person, you'll scratch your head, neck, left arm, and hamstrings in confusion. Also, try not to fall in love with me right away, because that happens a lot and I hate having to refuse people's advances. Yes, Rivera is a Hispanic name, but I'm of Spanish and Asian heritage, yet I was born in Canada. Because of the fantastical school system, I can speak English and even some French. If I'm ever lost in France, I can easily ask people where the nearest bathroom is or if I can use their pencil crayons near the window. Finally, I am indifferent to Hoboken because I assume that is a magical dreamland of Hobos named Ken. I've never been there, so...

#2: The Swerved is your baby, just like the Armpit was my baby. With all this baby-making going around, one has to ask: When it comes to The Swerved, who is the mother?

S: I don't know. I just don't know. Can a single man trying to make it in the city raise a website all by himself? This fall on FOX, get ready for a brand new drama one guy and a bird are raving about. "At Your Swervice" starring Stephen Rivera... with Howie Mandel as the voice of the website.

#3: Managing people is a risk. When it comes to your tenure at the Armpit, how would you describe your experience?

a) WP was a controlling, fanatical boss who demanded, and got, my blood.
b) WP was a laid back boss, lax on deadlines and easy on rules.
c) WP didn’t know if I was dead or alive, and never thanked me once for busting my ass (for no pay, mind you) for his stupid site that no one read.
d) WP kept me down, put a glass ceiling over my head, and kept himself in the main events.
e) Other (please explain)
S: WP was a kitchen appliance, consisting of a container housing interchangeable, rotating, steel blades, used for the preparation of various foods by shredding, slicing, chopping, or blending. Oh, wait -- are you The Wrestling Professor, or The Food Processor?

#4: You’re the funniest wrestling columnist I’ve ever read. Having said that, I’ve never read Linda McMahon’s columns, so I should put an asterisk in front of that statement. What spurs your humor, and who are your comedic influences?

S: I thank you. To show my gratitude, I will knit you a sweater of hopes or dreams. It's just one out of the two, though.

I've always looked at the world around me in this weird, observational way; I just don't always express my thoughts because a lot of the time, they have nothing to do with anything. Friends and loved ones know I'm actually this crazy, but in a work setting, or a classroom setting, I'm fairly normal and bland.

I can't explain my mindset exactly, but I can give you an example of how I perceive the world -- when the 2000 Presidential Election was taking place, Al Gore and George Bush utilized "entrance music" whenever they appeared at campaign rallies. Whenever someone was watching a rally, I'd mute the television and give the candidates alternate music (I'd sing/hum it). Al Gore came out to "You Can Do It (Put Ya Ass Into It)" by Ice Cube. George W. Bush appeared with Laura to "Superthug" by Noreaga ... because aren't we all superthugs in the end? In this situation, I imagined the Republican supporters in the audience dancing in the crowd chanting the "WHAT! WHAT!" parts of the song. I sincerely believe that if US Presidential elections were really like that, everyone would be interested in politics.

Some of my biggest influences are shows like Late Night with Conan O'Brien and The Simpsons for their excellent mix of smart and dumb humour; I'm also a big fan of The Office, Scrubs, and Eddie Murphy's entire tenure on Saturday Night Live. Some say I'm Monty Python-like, but I could never get into that show. This may be blaspemous for me to say, but I find that type of humour too random for random's sake. Some stand-ups I really love are Mitch Hedberg (RIP), Bob Newhart, Jim Gaffigan, Demetri Martin, and Maria Bamford. Check out their stuff and you'll know understand my oeuvre better.

#5: Like many wrestling fans, I’m spending a lot more time and money on UFC and PRIDE. Do you, Stephen Rivera, watch and approve of MMA? If so, what are your thoughts? If not so, then what are your thoughts? If maybe so, then what are your thoughts? If you’re not thinking at all, then what are your thoughts? If you’re not breathing and don’t have a pulse at the moment, what are your thoughts?

(Note to self: Wait for Stephen to answer, and then after he writes 3 words, say “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR THOUGHTS ARE.” Ok? Don’t forget.)

S: What the who what where why when whom? You and fancy words are fancy and all that razzmatazz. Are you a warlock?

I like MMA, but in the end, it's wrestling (albeit legitimate), even if Dana White and the UFC deny it. Plus, if somebody watches it for the first time, I wouldn't be surprised if he or she thinks it's more "gay" than professional wrestling. To use blatant, ignorant judgement here, MMA is two guys in a match touching and slamming each other for real. For most of the bout, they're trying to jockey for position on top of the other (in a missionary sense). Most of the time, it looks like they're hugging and don't want to let go. At the end of the day, I enjoy the sport. Also, I am heterosexually attracted to Rachelle Leah.

The biggest problem the UFC has is the lack of personality. The only people I care about are the big names. Others have nicknames like "The Athlete", or "The Professional", or "The Adult Male". They need to better differentiate the fighters, unless the fighters are exactly the same in appearance and demeanor. If that's the case, I guess you could dress one of them in a top hat or something. Buff Bagwell was one of favourite wrestlers in WCW because of his mystical power of top hattery.

#6: Rate the following Canadians and French Canadians on a Homosexuality Scale of 1 to 10. 1 means not gay at all, 10 means flaming, and numbers in between represent varying degrees of back-door entry accessibility. Feel free to include comments on any or all of these men.

S:
Bret Hart: 9 - He is Bret "The Hitman" Hart. That means he "hits men". Oh, that's intercourse with fellows. The fact that he wore pink wrestling attire has nothing to do with his score on the scale. You see, I know a guy who wears polka dots, and he doesn't make love to men; he makes love to the beautiful night sky.

Chris Benoit: 9 - He is known as "The Rabid Wolverine". Wolverines like fashion.

Bobby Roode: 5 - He wishes to be called Robert. I don't know if that makes him more or less homosexual.

Jacques Rougeau: 2 - Who, The Mountie? His shock stick brings all the boys to the yard, but that's just because it's a cool weapon. It's probably better than yours too, but that's neither here nor there.

Sylvan: 1 - Pat Patterson has the wonderful tenderness of a large, eastern European woman.

Rene Dupree: 7 - Extremely-almost-fully homosexual. Absent of Fifi, but still.

Chris Jericho: 2 - When he had a goat beard, he appeared more feminine to me. Good thing he doesn't now.

A1: 10 - Gayer than Tabasco sauce.

Petey Williams: 8 - He's called Petey rather than Pete, which suggests he is the beyotch of his relationships.

Scott D’Amore: 6 - Could be a lumberjack. Body fit for flannel.

Sirelda: 0 - I'm afraid. I'm so afraid, my afraidness is afraid.

Eric Young: 3 - Appears confused. Maybe he's bi-curious.

Edge: 9 - He has long flowing hair. Plus, he has one name, like Cher, or Edge.

Christian: 7 - He has peeps. I think that's some sort of man-on-man disease.

#7: You’re granted immunity from one murder and one murder only. You can choose to kill a real terrorist like Osama bin Laden, or choose someone who betrayed your country like Earl Hebner. Given this free pass, who would you kill and why?

S: Musician/actor/dancer/ghetto etymologist Nick Cannon. He's both a real terrorist and a betrayer of all that is decent in life.

#8: Pretend you’ve grown The Swerved into a multi-million dollar, Fortune 50 company with offices all throughout North America. You’re the CEO and oversee 50,000 employees. You discover your CFO has embezzled $10 million, and as a result, your company is near bankruptcy. Assuming your level of MMA expertise is greater than your CFO’s, how would you punish this person?

a) Fists and fury. You and he in the octagon until one man surrenders.
b) In the courtroom, where you can Court-TV his ass.
c) 50 straight days of listening to K-Fed’s new CD.
d) 100 straight days of watching SmackDown, on mute.
e) 10 straight hours of “All Hail King Booker” clips, with the Mute button taken away.
f) 3 weeks of watching the never-before-seen XXX-rated sex tape of Bastion Booger and Bertha Faye.
g) 5,000 straight questions of obscure 90s wrestling references like the one I just wrote above.
h) Distributing leftover copies of the Armpit at a women’s prison, wearing a shirt that says, “Women are b*tches, b*tches are women. Now blow me.”
i) Grading Vince Russo’s high school essays, one by one, line by line, word by word.
j) Fighting Chuck Liddell, in the nude.
k) 80 straight hazing rituals conducted by Bob Holly, JBL, and Hugh Morrus.
l) Watching WCW Halloween Havoc ’92 over and over until he foams at the mouth.
m) Other (please explain).
S: Fists of fury, in the courtroom, listening to K-Fed's CD, with Smackdown in the background, full of "All Hail King Booker" clips, with the Booger-Faye tape queued up, which will present an obscure 90s wrestling reference, when we hand out Armpit newsletters to women in prison, taking a moment to grade Vince Russo's essays, before he wrestles Chuck Liddell in the nude, with Holly, JBL, and Morrus hazing both of them, as they are about to watch Halloween Havoc '92. Also, I will steal the cookies from the cookie jar. Who me? Yeah me. Couldn't be.

#9: Your mother, father, grandparents, siblings, best friend, wife, Jimbo, Brad Ravlin, Traci Brooks, and the Wrestling Professor are all stranded with you on a boat. It’s apparent you’re lost at sea, and you’ll be damned if you’re not the last to die. You have to throw everyone overboard at a rate of one person per day, until you’re the last one. In what order would you toss them over, and why?

S: First to go would be my grandparents, because they are the oldest and can use their wisdom to pull themselves out of the water and build a boat made entirely of wiseness. Next, they would use the winds of wisitivity to get to shore.

Second to go would be my siblings, because I'll never forgive them for that time they jammed my finger in the car door. To this day, my finger is still in that door.

Traci Brooks would go next, because she'd be able to float on water due to her ample swimming skills. Big, round swimming skills.

Brad would volunteer to go next to follow Traci.

Fifth to go would be my mother as she tries to find the 1,294,487th possession she has misplaced.

Sixth to go would be my father as he ventures to argue with my mother about the location of her misplaced posession.

Next would be Jimbo. I have nothing against Jimbo, but what if I rested my favourite rake against him... and he let that rake fall to the ground?

My best friend would go next to find a place that will repair my rake. He's cool like that.

With my (hypothetical) wife and the Wrestling Professor left, I'd turn on my wife and rip my shirt, revealing a "WPWO" (Wrestling Professor World Order) shirt. As you and I celebrate my defection to your stable, I'd turn on you and throw you over the side. Then, I'd rip that shirt, revealing my "WWO" (Wife World Order) shirt. As my wife and I lovingly embrace, I'd turn on her again and rip my shirt, but then I'd discover I am out of shirts. I would then throw myself overboard because I just wasted three shirts. A man who wastes three shirts, but is unable to waste a fourth, has no right to a prosperous life.

#10: There is no #10. HA, you were swerved! A taste of your own medicine, at last! Your response:

S: I c wat u did thair. U maik mee laff. You are so funny, I laugh backwards: AH AH AH AH AH A--You know what, WP?! I challenge you to a match on the grandest stage of them all. I'll see you at Cyber Sunday, buddy.

Stephen Rivera is the author of The Swerved, one of the most critically acclaimed blogs on the internet.  To read Stephen's brand new posts every week, please visit The Swerved every Monday.