Main

Build a Better Body

Learn Self Defense

Meet Women

 

 

The Royal Roast

Vince Russo

January 30, 2006 

I see you've discovered God.  To quote Jim Cornette, I feel that if there really was a God, Vince Russo wouldn't be in the wrestling business.

One thing I'll give you is that as a Christian, you're capable of performing miracles.  After all, your booking of WCW miraculously made Dusty Rhodes look like a f*cking genius.

In case you didn't know, Russo's new promotion is called Ring of Glory.  In fact, before each show, Russo makes all the fans do the sign of the cross.  You know, "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Son's Girlfriend Who is Pregnant with Her Father's Baby."

I invited Bryan Alvarez (author of The Death of WCW) to attend this roast, but he couldn't come.  He was too busy writing The Death of Ring of Glory.

It's really a shame you put WCW out of business.  Now we'll never get to see that War Games match between the Nitro Girls and Judy Bagwell's church group.

I wanted to bring my grandmother for this roast, but I was afraid you might book her in a bra and panties match.

I'm glad you attend church, but your priest told me you have a hard time accepting communion because you first have to remove Jeff Jarrett's c*ck from your mouth before taking the body of Christ.

My sources tell me that your conversion to Christianity took 12 months.  One month was for the education, and the other 11 months were how long it took you in confession for all the immoral, disgusting crap you've produced on television.

If you had booked Christianity, you'd have made St. Mary pregnant with Moses' baby.

The next time you decide to "die" and be "born again," can you do us all a favor and remain dead?

How long before your local all-girl church choir sings at a Ring of Glory event and then breaks out into a huge, fake-looking brawl?

When your kids earn their Communion, are you going to book David Arquette to do a run-in?

Your wife told me that when you read the Bible, you turn the page with one hand and fondle Ed Ferrara's balls with the other.

For some you reason you have this "anti-South" thing, illustrated by that Oklahoma character on Nitro.  What I do know is that if you ever move to that state, they'll have to re-name it to Okla-homo.

I don't know if having Vince Russo as a Christian is a good idea.  After all, if he has any say, God would turn heel and form a tag team with the Devil.

Don't worry Vince, if you really do want to rid yourself of all your past sins, I'm sure your buddy Mark Madden will be more than happy to eat them.

If Ring of Glory can draw one fan for every bullsh*t lie you've ever told, you'll be the most successful promoter of all-time.

Earth to Vince: you are NOT supposed to use Holy water to douse the nuns in a wet t-shirt contest.

I wonder if the church will have a problem with the slogans on the t-shirts you sell.  You know, the slogan that says, "I'm an American, and I don't give a sh*t about Japanese and Mexican wrestlers."

In your version of the Bible, I heard that homosexuality is still a sin, but lesbianism is a Godsend.

Your new book is called Forgiven.  Well I've got thousands of disgruntled ex-NWA and WCW fans reading this right now who are pissed off that Nitro is gone, and let me tell you, you are NOT forgiven.

Ever since Vince Russo has been giving sermons, attendance at church is down 80%.  Just like WCW, huh Vince.

Good grief, I just had a flashback to Nitro circa 2000.  In every Goddamn segment, Vince Russo was on my TV screen.  I don't know how you did it, but you managed to make the McMahon family seem camera shy. 

I spoke to the guy who edited the script for the first Ring of Glory show.  Call me crazy, Vince, but you showed poor judgment when you booked a segment in which the nuns molest the altar boys with hot wax candles.

Have you told the church yet that the last ever WCW PPV event was called WCW Sin?

And finally,

I know Vince is into "shock TV."  But he has to realize he lives in Georgia now.  Fathers impregnating daughters isn't shocking in Georgia; it's an everyday occurrence.