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The Royal Roast

Stephanie McMahon

February 20, 2006 

I'm not saying your voice is deep, but if you got hit in the balls, you'd sound like Darth Vader.

People are surprised it took you and HHH so long to get pregnant.  Why are they surprised?  The reason for the delay is very simple: you both have c*cks.

I have one simple question: when you and HHH have a child, which one of you will be the mother?

So, you went out and hired Dusty Rhodes.  Congratulations, you found the one human being on the planet who is more of a dumbf*ck than you are.  But enough is enough, Steph.  It's one thing to hire him, but please, stop trying to look like him.

Seriously, Vince put you in charge of writing wrestling?  That's like putting Steve Austin in charge of the alcoholic rehab program.  Try this analogy: Stephanie is to creativity as Edge is to monogamy.

One thing about the McMahons is they like to participate in family activities.  After all, they all gang-banged Eddy Guerrero's rotting skull and kicked it down the river, those immoral scumbags.  You want to exploit someone's death?  Let's see you make some money off the deaths of your father and husband after they drop dead from all the HGH and steroids they pump into their bloated bodies.

I see you're pregnant, finally.  I guess that's good news.  According to WWE's "Dawn Marie" employment policy, that means you're about 2 weeks away from getting fired. 

It's interesting that WWE.com thought it was newsworthy that doctors found cancer cells growing inside Matt Cappotelli's head.  Personally, I'd find it more newsworthy if doctors opened Stephanie's head and found a brain in there. 

It might be a good idea if you and HHH buried the hatchet and made up with Chyna.  Then after you give birth, the three of you can get together and make a movie.  You can call it “Three Men and a Baby.”

If that doesn’t work, you can always make a movie with Dusty Rhodes and call it “Dumb and Dumber.”

Speaking of Chyna, how pathetic is it that HHH had two man-beasts like Chyna and Stephanie McMahon fighting over him?  Sure, HHH is filthy rich and has a cush job, but the reason I sleep well at night is knowing that he has had to f*ck women who are uglier than my plumber. 

Imagine HHH and Stephanie making love, what with his breasts and her ball-sack.  Can you imagine the grunts and noises they make at night?  It probably sounds like Herman Munster getting a**-raped. 

I want my money back, Vince.  When Stephanie McMahon wrestled Trish Stratus years ago, you never advertised the match for what it really was: an inter-gender match.

Stephanie, I hope you realize this is a roast.  Please don't take anything I say personally.  After the roast, let's you and me sit down and have a talk.  You and me, man to man.

I must commend you on the boob job you got a few years ago.  You definitely have larger breasts than before.  I think you should get them a little bigger, though.  If you double the size of your breasts, they'll be almost as big as your husband's.

It's well known that you hate Paul Heyman.  Some say it's all jealousy, of course.  After all, he has more wrestling knowledge in his one remaining strand of hair than you have in your entire body.

Hey Stephanie, you know what they say:  Like grandfather, like father, like son.  I know you're only a couple months pregnant, but I'm pretty sure your baby has already torn its quad.

I saw your wedding picture; beautiful!  You and HHH go together perfectly, much like human growth hormone and anabolic steroids.

I must congratulate you on being promoted.  You're now the "Head Writer," whereas before you were the "Head-Giver."

I hope one day you and I can be friends.  Think about it, we have something in common: we both have testicles.

I hear the band Def Leppard are big fans of yours.  They even wrote two songs about you and HHH.  One is called "Woman" and the other is called "Make Love Like a Man."  Unfortunately, I can't figure out which song was written about you and which was written about HHH.

When you and HHH have sex, is it true that he hates being pinned so much that he insists on being on top?  When you're on top, does he lift his shoulders off the bed before the three-count?

You deserve total and complete credit, Stephanie.  Ever since you took over the writing team, ratings, house show attendance, and buy rates have completely turned around.  Unfortunately, they turned in the wrong direction.

Hey HHH, you're having a baby?  Is it a boy or a girl?  I'm talking about your wife, not the baby.

I'm really looking forward to when you're in labor.  Why?  Because that means you won't be able to write Raw that week, so it might actually be a half-decent show.

You're almost 30 now, so it's time I be honest with you and tell you a few things you should know.  WWE has a SmackDown brand; ever hear of it??

Stephanie, I'm such a big fan of yours that I'd love to throw the McMahon family a huge parade.  I'd love to do it in downtown Baghdad, so that you and your a**hole father can get shot and hung out to dry.

In all fairness, I have two uncles who think you're very attractive.  Did I mention that they're also blind and deaf?

For your wedding gift, I was thinking of getting you guys a couple gerbils.  But I changed my mind, figuring HHH would probably shove them up his a**.

HHH has claimed that he has given you anal sex.  My question is how you were able to fit both HHH's c*ck and Brian Gewirtz' nose in your a** at the same time?

Wrestling fans call you a bitch, but I disagree.  After all, a bitch is a female dog.  I prefer the term "c*nty whore" instead.

If things get stale, you and HHH can do a fake storyline where you guys break up and then have an epic battle at WrestleMania.  You could then hype it as HHH vs. Stephanie McMahon: May the Best Man Win.

Word on the street is that you're a fan of Ole Anderson and how he booked WCW in 1990.  It's easy to see why you like him, since your voice sounds like the Black Scorpion's.

I hate to break this to you, but the only reason HHH is able to bang you is that he closes his eyes and pretends you’re Lemmy from Motorhead.  Good news, Trips.  At the rate Stephanie's looks are changing (for the worse), it will soon be like the real thing.

Stephanie, you really are one of a kind.  I mean that, really.  After all, you're the only woman in the world who styles her pubic hair into mutton-chops.

A lot of people wonder how HHH knew when you first had a crush on him.  It was easy.  He noticed the big bulge in your pants.

I notice your a** has gotten more round these past couple months.  It must be from all the squats you do when you squat to take a sh*t on Eddy Guerrero’s grave, you wicked witch.

There’s a reason HHH wanted to have sex with a corpse named Katie Vick: he’s married to YOU.

That HHH, I tell ya.  He’s so pumped up on gas that your private parts must smell like Chevron. 

It’s funny how you think getting Randy Orton over as a heel is more important than the feelings of Vickie Guerrero and the rest of Eddy’s family.  If you want people to hate Randy Orton, just make him kill you, because then all us wrestling fans will hate him for murdering you before any of us got a chance to slap you in your ugly face.

A lot of people speculate that the divas like Terri Runnels and Torrie Wilson are bulimic because they want to stay thin.  They’re not bulimic; they’re just revolted by the image of your naked a** in the women’s dressing room.

Say Hi to your brother Shane for me.  I feel sorry for that guy.  After all, he’s the most feminine one in the McMahon family.

Okay Steph, the roast is over now, so you can relax.  You know I’m kidding about all these jokes, right Steph?  Seriously, I love you.  You’re like the son I never had.