-Welcome to my worst nightmare. This is the WORST WrestleMania ever. 1993 was a very dark time for the WWF, with bad storylines, and the Giant Gonzales. Let’s get this over with…

-First and foremost, my front row tickets for No Way Out came in the mail today and I’ll be sure to get you guys some good pictures when I get back. And yes, I do plan on trying to get a JimmyVan.com sign on camera, JV promised me residuals. Or at least, he should…

-Welcome to the world’s largest toga party, and the memorable first public embarrassment of Jim Ross. Gorilla Monsoon starts us off and introduces us to good ol’ JR, who makes his first Oklahoma reference 5 seconds into his debut. He runs down the card for us.

-Finkus Maximus introduces Caesar and Cleopatra to the apathy of the crowd. Cleopatra does have a nice rack on her though. Randy Savage comes out getting fed grapes by “vestal virgins” AHAHAHAHAHA. Like anyone involved in the WWF is a virgin. Bobby Heenan is out next riding a camel backwards, hilarity ensues.

WWF Intercontinental Title

Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka

HBK has Luna Vachon with him, and Tatanka has Sherri with him. I apologize in advance for my constant Tatanka (Buffalo) jokes, but anyone who has been to WrestleCrap will get it and laugh. This whole outside WrestleMania thing confuses me, what if it would have rained? That might be a disaster. HBK tries to take Tatanka down, but he keeps countering. They trade hammerlocks, and Tatanka shoves Shawn into the corner. The banter between Savage and Heenan is actually pretty funny. Shawn takes Tatanka over in a side headlock, but Tatanka counters with a back suplex. Shawn into the corner, but Tatanka misses a blind charge and Shawn goes to the top. But Tatanka hiptosses him in mid-move and follows with a dropkick. Nice spot. HBK goes upside down into the corner, and Tatanka chops him off of the apron. Sherri and Luna have a staredown, and Luna cowers against the post. I love Shawn’s selling. Shawn thumbs Tatanka in the eye and runs Tatanka into the turnbuckle. Shawn to the top and gets a sloppy sunset flip for two. Off the ropes, but Shawn gets caught in a leapfrog and is hit with an inverted atomic drop. Tatanka off the ropes again, and HBK puts his head down and Tatanka gets a DDT. HBK’s shoulder is hurting, so Tatanka locks on an armbar. Clothesline by Shawn is no sold, and Shawn hurts his shoulder and Tatanka goes back to the armbar. Shawn backs Tatanka into the corner and hammers away, Shawn charges but he hits his shoulder on the post and Tatanka goes right back to the armbar. (Savage: “Is Luna from Oklahoma?” Heenan: “No, she’s pretty.”) Shawn tries a reversal, but Tatanka catches him and gets a shoulderbreaker. He drops an elbow and goes to the top and hits a chop. Tatanka goes back to the top, but this time he gets caught with Sweet Chin Music on the way down. Shawn actually used the Teardrop suplex as a finisher at this time, which is actually a pretty cool move. Tatanka gets thrown over the top, and Sherri and Luna square off again. Shawn gets a clothesline off the apron, and then literally nothing happens for about two minutes. Tatanka finally rolls back in and Shawn gets a neckbreaker for two. Standing dropkick for two. Shawn hits the chinlock and Tatanka powers out, and Shawn gets some weak looking punches as he starts to ignore the shoulder injury now. Shawn gets a really messed up victory roll which almost breaks Tatanka’s neck for two. Shawn tries the victory roll again, but Tatanka reverses with an electric chair drop and gets two. Tatanka misses an elbow and Shawn gets a double ax from the second rope. NOT SO FAST, as Tatanka starts stereotyping-up with the pissed off Indian dance. He chops Shawn down a few times, and then chops again to expand his offense. Tatanka gets a high cross body from the top rope, but it only gets two. Shawn gets caught and is catapulted into the post and gets rolled up for a close two. Tatanka tries the Samoan Drop, but Shawn rolls him up for two. Shawn to the top, but gets powerslammed in mid-air for two. Wow, this picked up fast. Shawn dumps him to the outside as the crowd chants for Sherri. Shawn tries a cross body off the apron, but misses and hits his head on the steps. So, Shawn grabs the referee and pulls him out of the ring as Tatanka gets the End of the Trail (Samoan Drop) and the referee calls for the countout. What a sh*tty ending. Such a cheap ending.

Winner by countout: Tatanka

-Well they didn’t want to job Shawn, and they didn’t want to have to job Tatanka either. That’s why they invented countouts. It still sucks though, because it’s WrestleMania. **1/2 for some good stuff towards the end.

-Post-match, Luna attacks Sherri and bodyslams her on the floor. I don’t think saying that Sherri can beat “80% of the men” is a good way to get talent over. Tatanka carries her to the back, awwww.

-Backstage, Mean Gene in his last WrestleMania interviews the Steiner Brothers in their only WrestleMania appearance. It’s still so hard to believe that THAT is Scott Steiner. Steroids will do that to you I guess.

The Headshrinkers vs. The Steiner Brothers

Talk about transformations, take a look at Fatu here. Who would have thought that the secret to his success was to gain another metric ton and start dancing? JR officially calls this a “slobber knocker” for the first time. Scott and Fatu start, and Scott gets a takedown to an armbar. Fatu backs him into the corner, but Scott hiptosses Fatu. Slugfest which Scott gets the better of, and Scott clotheslines Fatu, who works the somersault sell. Thumb to the eye slows him down, and Fatu gets the tag to Samu. Samu clocks Rick and sends him to the outside, then Fatu tosses Scott over the top as well. The Headshrinkers celebrate, as the Steiners both climb the same turnbuckle, and hit double clotheslines. Cute spot. Afa slams the Headshrinkers’ heads together to motivate them. Back inside, Rick and Samu take their turns. Samu works Rick over in the corner and clotheslines him. He tries it again, but Rick counters and runs Samu into the post. Scott gets the tag and hits a double-arm suplex. Scott gets caught and it looks like Samu was going for a stungun, but Fatu pulls the top rope down and Scott crashes to the floor in a painful looking spot. Just to be EVIL, Afa breaks his stick over Scott’s back. Back inside, Samu works over Scott, and gets the tag to Fatu. Fatu gets a backbreaker, and gets a headbutt from the second rope for two. Samu comes in and the Shrinkers get a double headbutt. Scott catches Samu charging into the corner, but Fatu comes in to cut off the tag. Samu runs Scott into the post while Fatu keeps the referee Bill Alfonso occupied. Back in, Samu takes a facecrusher, but it’s no sold and Scott takes a crescent kick. Samu drops an elbow and gets a standing dropkick. Tag to Fatu, and they get a combined backbreaker/elbow move for two. Nerve pinch to Scott to take a break. I’d love just one time when they are doing this “face in peril” thing, to have the heels just dominate him and pin him. Steiner counters, but it’s a double clothesline for the double KO. Fatu gets the tag and Samu chops away on Scott. Slam by Samu, and he misses a big splash from the tope rope. Hot tag to Rick to a big pop, and Rick works over Fatu and slams Samu. Steinerlines for everyone, and he tries a double-noggin knocker, but it’s no sold and Rick takes a headbutt. The Headshrinkers try a Doomsday Device, but Rick catches Samu and powerslams him off the shoulder of Fatu in a very cool spot. Fatu breaks up the count and Rick tags in Scott. Scott catches Fatu with an overhead belly-to-belly, but Samu takes his head off with a kick. Off the ropes, and Scott gets a REALLY bad Frankensteiner for the pin. Heenan wants a replay, but they refuse for a very good reason.

Winners: The Steiner Brothers

-Here’s a tip for future wrestlers, don’t blow your finishing move when it’s supposed to get the pin. Why? Because your match will then get ** from me and that’s it.

-Backstage, Doink has put makeup on the bust of Julius Caesar. See, the original Doink was cool, he was based on Pennywise the Clown from “It”. Matt Bourne played the character so well, but of course they turned him face and totally killed all his heat. Doink laughs about hitting little kids with pies, and dumping water on fans.

Crush vs. Doink the Clown

Even Doink’s theme kicked ass, as it changed from happy circus music to slow, sad music. Doink sprays Crush with water and runs away. Of course, he gets caught and bodyslammed on the floor. Crush runs Doink into the post, and then into the railing for good luck. Back inside, Doink begs off, but Crush pounds away in the corner and then gets the lifting chokehold. Doink goes down from a whip to the corner and rolls to the outside. He pulls Crush out, but Doink’s punches are no sold. Doink runs back into the ring, and Crush gets a neckbreaker and a snap mare. Crush clotheslines Doink on the top rope a la Randy Savage, and gets a big backbreaker off the ropes. Randy reminds everyone that Crush is fighting for the kids. Doink snaps Crush’s head off the top rope, and gets a double ax handle off the top rope. Doink goes back up and hits another double ax. Doink hits a piledriver and if we were in Memphis it would be over. But Crush rolls to the outside and Doink runs him into the post. Back in, Doink gets a bodyslam, but hits boot as he comes off the top. Crush is still hurt though, but Doink gets caught off the second rope and gets a powerslam. Crush clotheslines Doink over the top rope, and Crush catches Doink trying to crawl under the ring. Crush drags Doink back in and gets a Gorilla Press, as Crush gets the Melon Crusher (my name for his head crush move) as the ref gets bumped. Doink tries to get under the ring again, but gets caught again. Back in, Crush gets a really stupid looking spinning kick and locks on the Melon Crusher. But now ANOTHER Doink comes in the ring and hits Crush with a loaded arm cast, and then breaks it over Crush’s head. Both Doink’s go face-to-face and act like a mirror in a weird sight gag. The other Doink rolls under the ring and the real Doink gets the pin.

Winner: Doink the Clown

-Well, I do mark out for Doink, but that doesn’t make the resulting match any better. *1/2 stars for some decent stuff.

-Bill Alfonso runs out to tell the first referee what happened, but they can’t find the second Doink under the ring. It’s an ILLUSION I tell you!

-Todd Petingill tries to talk to Japanese reporters, who just laugh at him. This guy is such a dork.

Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

Someone clue Bob in that it isn’t 1979 anymore. Razor flicks his toothpick at him in response for Bob wanting to shake his hand. Crowd starts a “Razor” chant for that one. Razor shoves Bob into the corner a few times, and Bob returns the favor. He takes Ramon down a few times and Bob celebrates, which the crowd boos. Razor gets a bodyslam, and slugs away. More punchy-kicky stuff, but Bob gets a pair of hiptosses out of the corner. Bob misses a dropkick, but stays in control and gets a double-arm suplex. Bob gets an atomic drop, which used to be his finishing move, but Razor small packages on a body slam attempt for the pin. At least they kept it short, and Razor even says “Me-me-me-me-me” while doing the pointing, which I enjoy.

Winner: Razor Ramon

-Short, but still offensive, * and next please.

-Mean Gene interviews Money Inc., and they show DiBiase and IRS bragging about sending someone to beat up Hogan last night.

WWF Tag Team Title

Money Inc. vs. MegaManiacs

Hogan is sporting a pretty nasty black eye from a parasailing accident the day before. Beefcake has a really stupid looking mask on to protect his face. Jimmy Hart is just simply not as effective as a face manager. Beefcake and IRS start off and Irwin gets a quick tag to DiBiase, who hammers away. DiBiase and IRS double team Beefcake and IRS comes back in. DiBiase gets the tag again and he tries to double ax the face, but hurts his hand on the mask. Beefcake gets a double noggin-knocker, but DiBiase tries to ram Beefcake’s head into the corner, but of course it doesn’t faze him. So DiBiase meets the corner with his head, and Hogan tags in. Hogan gets a 10-punch in the corner, and pounds away again on the mat. Off the ropes and DiBiase takes a clothesline, and Beefcake tags back in. DiBiase takes a double big boot, and Beefcake gets a bodyslam. Back in comes Hogan, who comes off the second rope with a double ax handle. Hogan keeps punching away and clotheslines DiBiase over the top rope. IRS comes in, but Hulk pokes him in the eye and sends him over the top rope. Hogan’s offense so far consists of punching and eye-poking. Money Inc. tries to talk a walk and keep the title, and the referee pulls the “Money Inc. has to come back or they lose the titles” bit. Another kink in the whole “who has the power in the WWF” thing. DiBiase runs back in and he and Hulk square off. DiBiase chokes Hulk on the ropes, and IRS chokes Hogan out with the tag rope behind the referee’s back. Money Inc. double teams and DiBiase chokes Hogan out some more on the top rope. DiBiase locks on the Million Dollar Dream to almost no reaction from the crowd, as Hogan drops to a knee. Hogan could have done a little better selling job here, as there is basically no expectation of a submission here. Hebner checks the arm, and if you don’t know what is going to happen here, close this page now. Hulk tries to fight out of it, and IRS comes in and draws the referee. So Beefcake comes in behind the ref’s back and locks the sleeper on DiBiase, so now it’s a double KO in the ring. Hulk gets the hot tag to Beefcake to a big pop, who greets IRS with a high knee, and an atomic drop for DiBiase. Beefcake slugs IRS down, but DiBiase hits Brutus in the back with the briefcase to turn the tide. DiBiase stomps away and DiBiase tries to rip Beefcake’s mask off, which is made of “titanium steel” according to Jim Ross. DiBiase finally gets it off, cheap heat, but you take what you can get. Money Inc. pounds away on his face, but Beefcake gets a double clothesline to Money Inc and locks on the Sleeper on IRS. DiBiase saves from behind, but the referee gets bumped because of it. Both crawl for tags, which doesn’t really make sense since the referee is knocked out. I guess both teams just wanted to play fair. Brutus gets the tag, and Hulk gets the big boot and nails DiBiase and IRS with Brutus’ mask. Brutus covers IRS, while Hulk pins DiBiase but the referee is still out. Jimmy Hart tries to revive him, until he gives up and turns his jacket inside out so that it’s striped and makes the count himself. Ah, so THAT’S where ECW stole that idea. The MegaManiacs celebrate with the titles, until another referee comes down and awards the match to Money Inc. as a result of a DQ. Another cheap ending at a WrestleMania. Yawn.

Winner by DQ: Money Inc.

-Well, this was a good way to kill a crowd here. There wasn’t much to see here, hot tags and a cheap ending basically. ** which seems to be a running theme.

-Post-match, Jimmy Hart throws the referee over the top rope. Real story, Hogan felt that winning the tag titles was “beneath” him…which makes for our story later on. Maniacs pose even though they lost. The find Money Inc.’s briefcase and reveal there is a brick inside of it, alone with a bunch of money that they pass out to the crowd.

-Todd Petingill checks in to annoy me some more, who interviews Natalie Cole for our token quasi-celebrity appearance. Natalie Cole has no idea why she is there, and the CEO of the place shills the arena. I didn’t watch this for an infomercial.

-Backstage, Mean Gene is with Mr. Perfect. He talks about the “steel plated” forearm of Lex Luger, who had a pretty good Narcissist gimmick going for him. But Mr. Perfect is going to win because he is simply…PERFECT.

Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect

Lex Luger brings some choice tail to the ring with him. Their outfits are tame compared to the crap the Divas wear these days. Mr. Perfect gets a pretty good pop on his entrance, but there is NO WAY he weighs 252 lbs, like it’s announced. Perfect spits his gum on him, so Luger responds with a wristlock. They trade hammerlocks and Luger takes a hard shot to the gut. Off the ropes and Perfect gets a nice leapfrog into a dropkick, as Luger rolls to the outside. Back in, Luger gets a cheap shot in the corner and runs Perfect into the turnbuckle. Perfect catches a big boot from Luger and drops a knee on Luger’s shin. Perfect works over the knee like a pro, and gets a standing leglock. Perfect gets a WICKED chop in the corner, and keeps kicking away at the knee. Luger reverses into the corner and Perfect hits it hard. I still maintain Curt Hennig was the best seller in professional wrestling. To the outside, Luger runs Perfect’s lower back into the apron and sends him back into the ring. Luger starts working over the lower back with the forearms, and a backbreaker for two. Perfect comes back with kicks, but runs into a knee on a blind charge. Luger tries to pin with the feet on the ropes, but the referee catches it…first time for everything I guess. Luger gets a powerslam for two. Off the ropes, and Perfect gets a sunset flip for two, and then grabs onto a sleeper but gets run into a corner. Savage remarks that he didn’t think Perfect knew that hold…I don’t think the sleeper is a complex submission move. Perfect keeps slugging away and gets a small package off the ropes for two. Back body drop from Perfect, and he sends Lex into the corner with a catapult. Perfect gets a right hand for two and he pulls the strap down…IT’S ON! Luger gets an inverted atomic drop, but Perfect comes back with a clothesline for two. A neckbreaker gets another two count. Perfect goes to the top and hits a missile dropkick for two. Luger gets a backslide, and Perfect gets his feet on the ropes but the referee doesn’t see and counts to three. Luger knocks him out with the forearm for the hell of it.

Winner: Lex Luger

-Another cheap ending, only TWO clean pins so far. That’s inexcusable for a WrestleMania. **1/2 all carried by Mr. Perfect.

-Perfect is pissed so he runs backstage to find Luger. Luger is talking to Shawn Michaels and Perfect kicks Luger’s ass. Shawn comes from behind and beats Perfect with a trashcan until it is broken up. This set up the “dream feud” everyone was waiting for, which culminated with a boring payoff match that didn’t live up to expectations.

Giant Gonzales vs. The Undertaker

Oh…my…God. Not this match. Please I’ll do anything, just please don’t make me review this match. This was set up by Gonzales coming in at the Royal Rumble and beating the hell out of the Undertaker. Did I mention how BAD Giant Gonzales is? There is not ONE good thing about him, he moves in slow motion, he isn’t intimidating looking, and he can’t sell worth a crap. UT slugs away to start, but Giant chokes him down. UT climbs the turnbuckle to try to get over how tall Gonzales is. UT walks the top rope, and keeps punching in the corner. Gonzales gets a foot to the face and a hiptoss, as the UT is basically doing all the work (wow never thought I would say that). Gonzales gets a standing chinlock, which redefines lazy. After about 5 minutes of that, Gonzales throws him outside and follows with slow looking right hands. That bodysuit is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Someone was actually paid to come up with that, and someone actually thought it was a GOOD idea. Forget steroids, there was crack being distributed in Titan. Back inside, UT tries to fight back and the Giant’s selling is almost laughable. Whippleman throws a rag to Gonzales with ether on it as the announcers go into their “what’s that smell?” routine. The referee calls for the bell to end this whole mess.

Winner: Undertaker by DQ

-This was worst than I remember, if I didn’t have beer I would have taken it over the bridge. -***

-Post-match, Taker does a stretcher job, as Gonzales beats up referees. UT, our conquering hero makes his return however, and takes Gonzales down. NEXT.

-Backstage, Mean Gene recaps Yokozuna destroying “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, and him beating up Bret Hart at the contract signing. Why do wrestlers wear their tights to the contract signing? Isn’t that the wrong thing to do if you don’t want to fight?

-Hogan comes in to give his thoughts, that should have been a HUGE red flag that something was up. Hogan challenges the winner and isn’t very PC as he calls Yokozuna a “Jap”.

-Todd Petingill makes fun of a little kid and interviews a couple of drunk guys.

WWF World Title

Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna

Well this is certainly the match to cap off one of the worst PPVs ever. Bret backs Yoko into the corner, but gets shoved off. Bret tries a go behind, but Yoko is just too fat. Yoko chucks Bret to the outside, and Bret ties up Yoko in the ropes to trip him up. Bret comes back in and pounds away while Yoko is tied in the ropes. He drops the elbow from the second rope, but gets clotheslined down. Yoko gets a bodyslam, and drops a legdrop which even I have to admit, still looks very impressive. Crowd chants “USA” which is idiotic on so many levels…since Bret is CANADIAN. Yoko chokes Bret on the ropes, and then goes to the nerve pinch. Well, I should have time to go the bathroom, order a pizza, paint the Mona Lisa…you get the idea. Bret fights out and gets a tackle from the second rope for a two count. Yoko comes back with a crescent kick, and Heenan tries to get over the fact that Yoko is in good shape…HAHAHAHAHAHA. Yoko goes right back to the nerve pinch, which I might mistake for psychology if I didn’t already know Yoko always goes to that move when he’s tired. Yoko whips him into the corner, and Yoko misses the blind charge and Bret comes off the second rope with a bulldog for two. Bret drops the elbow from the ropes for two. Second rope again, and gets a clothesline which staggers Yoko. Bret backs him into the corner for a 10-punch, but Yoko grabs his legs and Bret rips the turnbuckle pad off trying to hold on. Yoko tries to ram Bret’s head into the exposed steel, but Bret reverses and Yoko goes down. Bret hooks on the Sharpshooter and Fuji comes up and throws salt in his eyes. Yoko covers for three. And you were expecting a clean win?

Winner and NEW Champion: Yokozuna

-This actually wasn’t THAT bad, as Bret did his best to get over the man vs. monster bit, and paid off pretty well. **1/2

-Post-match, Hogan runs in almost has SOON as the bell rings and screams for justice. Mr. Fuji challenges Hulk to a match right HERE and NOW. You know, I’m going to take this opportunity to rant on something here. I’m sure we have all read Scott Keith’s reviews and while I have great respect for his wrestling knowledge and dedication, I do not respect his opinions. He has blasted Hogan on many occasions for being selfish and egotistical, and while some of it is deserving, he never gives him credit for anything. He said that Vince easily could have gone with Jimmy Snuka, or the Junkyard Dog in the 80s and been successful. Anyone who knows ANYTHING about wrestling knows that is completely stupid and shallow. I don’t know if Hogan snubbed him for an autograph as a kid, or if he just has some weird problem with him. Anyways, if it were Chris Benoit running in right now and challenging Yokozuna all would I have to hear is “Benoit is the MAN!! Praise Canada!” It makes me sick. You know about wrestling, but you have no respect for the men who entertain you. End of story.

-Oh yeah…the WrestleMania thing. Anyways, Fuji challenges Hogan and he declines until Hart points him back into the ring and tells him to go for it. So we have…

WWF World Title

Yokozuna vs. Hulk Hogan

Hulk jumps into the ring and Yoko attacks, holding him for another salt throw from Fuji. But Hogan ducks and Fuji hits Yoko. Hulk takes out Fuji and clotheslines Yoko, drops the big legdrop and pins for his 5^th world title.

Winner and NEW Champion: Hulk Hogan

-Hulk does get a pretty big pop for the title win. This match is a DUD since it lasted 10 seconds. And for the 9^th WrestleMania in a row, it ends with a Hulk Hogan celebration.

Final Word

So there you have it. No match tops out at over ***, and they successfully transition the title to Hulk even though he wasn’t even IN the match! After this Hulk would announce he was NOT putting over Bret Hart, even though he promised to do so…and was taking 3 months off to make movies. Vince had enough after that and fired him, sending him into the arms of WCW. Worst WrestleMania ever, do NOT watch this, unless you REALLY want to see Jim Ross in a toga.

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