Review of WWE Invasion 2001

-Welcome to the culmination of every wrestling fan’s collective wet dream. WWF vs. WCW. Good vs. Evil. The feud that most of us had based almost 15 years of our wrestling lives on had finally come to be reality. Of course, all the bullshit booking that followed, the politics, and terrible storylines all destroyed the credibility of WCW (whatever was left of it anyways). Although technically it was a success because it pulled in a good bit of cash, the Invasion angle will forever be known as the biggest disappointment in the history of wrestling (followed #2 by the botched ECW relaunch). I mean, this angle was a freakin license to print money, they could have made billions off of this thing.

-Get in your seats for Wrestling History 101 please as I explain the problem with the Invasion angle. In 1997, WCW was dominating with the nWo, awesome cruiserweights, and unpredictable live Nitro broadcasts. Wrestling fans took notice and flocked to the newly crowned number 1 promotion in the land. WWF, on the other hand, took notice of a small independent promotion known as ECW and liked what it saw. So Vince took the ECW model, turned down the violence against women, used their “controlled chaos” storyline mode and suddenly was hot again right around 1998-1999. Therefore, the current (in 2001 anyway) WWF fan stopped watching WCW all together in 1999 (in fact, most WCW fans stopped watching long before that). So their last memories of WCW were Hulk Hogan, Goldberg, the nWo, Bret Hart, Ric Flair, Sting, and Rey Mysterio Jr. So that’s what they expected when they saw and heard the name World Championship Wrestling. Unfortunately, imagine their surprise when the WCW forces were led by Booker T, Lance Storm, Buff Bagwell, and Chavo Guerrero. Not exactly the “Who’s who” lineup we just went through, right? That’s because all the older stars were content sitting at home and collecting their millions of dollars from Time-Warner and didn’t need to get a buyout from McMahon. Should Vince have paid? I think so, but hindsight is 20/20. They even added good old Extreme Championship Wrestling to the deadly “Alliance” right before this to allow Paul Heyman to drive the buyrate up…and then they went and made Stephanie McMahon the owner of ECW. God, they never learn do they?

Didn’t they learn the first time around?

-Alright, enough BS, let’s get to the event and pretend what happened afterwards was all a dream.

-We start off with one hell of a battle with FDR footage talking about invasions and war, splicing that with footage of WWF vs. WCW stuff. Even better is Paul Heyman screaming in the background “Death to sports-entertainment!” Amen, Paul…amen.

-Just to put into perspective how awesome this angle could have been, I’m going to show you something, then allow you time to weep quietly in your bedroom. During the buildup to Invasion, Steve Austin was, for lack of a better term, a pussy. After WrestleMania 17, where he turned heel, he was playing a paranoid guy who was a little “off”. He was bickering with Kurt Angle over hugs from Vince McMahon and was singing songs while playing his gee-tar. Vince was very worried about this man leading the WWF against the invading forces, so he tried to get the “old Stone Cold” back. Vince pleaded with Austin to go back to his rattlesnake roots, even going so far as to beg Austin to give him a Stunner, just like the old days. Steve did not, and he retreated to a bar to think things over and reflect on what Vince had said. While Austin was gone, a tag match between the WWF and Alliance turned into an Alliance beatdown as they entire force hit the ring and dominated the WWF. Until… (You have to click this link and experience the awesome)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KJOZ4qGbuvo

-That might be one of my top 10 favorite moments in wrestling. The whole crowd going batshit, JR collectively shitting himself, and Austin just beating the hell out of everything = happy author. It loses a few points only for that little bitch Michael Cole yelling “he’s kicking butt…he’s kicking butt and taking names.” What a joke he is.

This is Austin’s mugshot after he killed Michael Cole for that

-OK, back on track permanently this time, you have my word…unless of course I fee like ranting again. So Steve brings the can of whoop ass back to RAW and the stage is set for the big WWF vs. WCW inaugural brawl.

-YOUR hosts are of course Jim Ross and Michael Cole. JR might break the record for most over-exaggerations in a single night tonight.

Lance Storm and Mike Awesome vs. Edge and Christian

Storm and Awesome don’t even get an entrance, which shows you where they lie on the collective totem pole. Lance would like to be serious for a moment. Isn’t it depressing that our first match has a dead guy in it and it’s only from SEVEN years ago?? Christian is rocking the sweet shades, and is helping Edge carry his King of the Ring trophy. Awesome and Christian start and Mike beats him down in the corner, but misses a blind charge and runs into a drop toe hold. Edge checks in but takes a clothesline, allowing Storm to come in and get his kicks in. Off the ropes, Edge hits a hurricanrana and a missile dropkick off the 2^nd rope. Storm charges, but gets backdropped over the top and on top of Mike Awesome. Christian tries to follow with a plancha, but his foot gets caught on the ropes and he almost breaks his neck. Back inside, Edge gets a backbreaker on Storm for two and tags in the non-paralyzed Christian, who gets two after a double armdrag takeover. Storm reverses in the corner and set Christian up on top where Awesome dumps him chest first on the turnbuckle and Storm throws him to the outside. Awesome beats the hell out of Christian on the outside, sending him repeatedly into the apron before sending him back inside. Storm lays the badmouth on him then tosses Christian chest first into the post just to be a dick. Awesome and his mullet come in with an elbow for two and he follows up with a short arm clothesline and a bodyslam. Splash off the ropes gets two.

Business in the front…PARTAY in the back baby!

Face in peril spot continues as Storm comes in and they hit a double forearm shot for two. Gutbuster by Storm sets up and running knee lift for another two count. Christian comes back with a cross body block, but Storm gets the tag first and Awesome blasts Edge. Stungun sets up the Alabama Slam with a roll-through for two as Edge breaks it up. Awesome hits a shoulder tackle off the ropes and gets two, then tags in Storm who puts the boots to him. Backbreaker and Awesome gets the tag and comes off the top with a HUGE splash, but Edge breaks the count up again. Into the corner, Awesome tries an Awesome Bomb off the top but Christian back drops out of it. That’s one of the problems, it seems the WWF announcers didn’t bother to research and see what the WCW/ECW guy’s big moves were, so they had no clue Mike was trying for the Awesome Bomb. Hot tag to Edge and he’s a house of fire of course, and he gets rid of Awesome with a dropkick and an Edge-o-matic gets two on Storm. Edge accidentally pushes Storm into Christian to get a rollup and a two count. Storm comes back with a small package and has the pin but the referee is busy with Mike Awesome (CONSPIRACY!). Christian rolls Edge on top for two. Another double team effort by the heels is interrupted by a double clothesline from Christian, and we have a brawl now. Edge tries to spear Storm, but he leapfrogs him and Edge ends up spearing Awesome for two. Christian moves out of the way of a Storm superkick and he ends up hitting Edge with it. Tit for tat I suppose. Christian hits a Cactus clothesline to get rid of Storm while Awesome gets a close two count in the ring. Mike has Edge up for the Awesome Bomb, but Christian comes back in and spears Awesome, allowing Edge to fall on top for the pin.

Winners: Edge and Christian

-A nice, energetic opener and it mainly started planting the seeds for a Christian Alliance turn. It wasn’t anything spectacular, but it did its job **1/2.

-Backstage, Vince thinks that E&C reek of awesomeness. William Regal comes in and informs McMahon that Austin and Debra have arrived. Vince uses a Revolutionary War reference to pump up Regal, which of course is FUNNY!

Steve Austin hit this…no seriously, he REALLY hit this

-Recap of the feud between the referees of WCW and the WWF, as they argue over where people are allowed to hang their clothes in the locker room. Nick Patrick was pretty much biased towards every WCW guy and Regal orders Hebner to stand up for himself and a big brawl erupts. Let me as you this…if you were Nick Patrick, wouldn’t YOU be biased against the WWF too? I mean, they’re trying to put you out of business.

Nick Patrick vs. Earl Hebner

Mick Foley is YOUR special guest referee. We see for the first time that the WCW guys are actually using different entrance ramps with a big hole in the middle of them, which comes into play later on. Both referees are accompanied by their fellow officials, even Little Naitch, Charles Robinson. Earl gets a nice pop and was a great representative of the WWF until he was fired for selling illegal merchandise. Whoops.

This picture is nowhere near big enough for this match

Nick slaps Earl to start off, and Earl fights back with some terrible looking kicks and somehow gets a two count. They actually do a catfight spot and Patrick ends up hammering away on Earl and tossing him to the outside. Weird sights gag with the referees all gathering around Earl in their striped shirts. Foley splits them up and shows dominance. Back inside, Earl comes back with his terrible looking punches and gets a 10-punch in the corner. At least you know the referees will be good at selling. Patrick goes low on Earl and a baseball slide sends Hebner to the floor where the WCW referees pounce like a bunch of rednecks on a hotel maid’s cart. Huge brawl erupts with the officials and Foley has seen enough and sends the WCW referees to the back. Back inside, Patrick doesn’t like Foley’s refereeing and gets into Mick’s face, allowing Earl to come back with the WORST…SPEAR…EVER for the pin.

Winner: Earl Hebner

- JR uses his “bowling shoe ugly” metaphor, which means the match sucked. But you and I already knew that…DUD.

-Patrick gets back in Mick’s face, and everyone and their mother knows what’s coming. Mick knocks Nick (ha ha) on his ass and gives him a very half-hearted Mandible Claw.

-JR pimps the Inaugural Brawl, which is of course later tonight. They cut to Smackdown last Thursday where DDP kidnapped Debra, which draws Austin to a huge fight in the parking garage.

-Backstage, Debra is flipping out about being kidnapped to Sara Undertaker. You see, DDP was stalking the Undertaker’s wife Sara leading up to his debut. But since The Undertaker doesn’t have a last name, because Mark Calloway doesn’t exist, her name is just Sara Undertaker. In addition to having a goofy name, she kinda looks like a dude.

Undertaker’s Penis = Stunned

-Recap of O’Haire and Palumbo attacking on Smackdown, but APA planned on it and put them through tables. Later at WWF New York, the WCW guys attack from behind. Bradshaw’s speech about defending the WWF is really weird when the people standing there are Dean Malenko and Haku, who had been in the WWF for less than a year.

WCW Tag Champions vs. WWF Tag Team Champions

Sean O’Haire and Chuck Palumbo vs. APA

Match is non-title, and knowing Bradshaw’s track record I wouldn’t count on too much offense from the WCW guys in this one. O’Haire and Palumbo run down and attack and a brawl breaks out. The APA hit a double spinebuster on Palumbo in the ring and Bradshaw follows with a bodyslam and suplex. O’Haire breaks up with pin attempt, allowing Chuck to clothesline Bradshaw and tag in O’Haire. Bradshaw fights back but takes a clothesline and O’Haire hammers away on the mat. Bradshaw comes back with a back suplex and gets the lukewarm tag to Faarooq. Back elbow gets two and O’Haire counters a suplex into kneelift for two. He gets double teamed in the heel corner as Palumbo checks back in, but he misses a clothesline and a shoulder tackle allows Bradshaw to come back in. Bradshaw slugs away (again) and catches Palumbo in a fall away slam.

A great action shot of Bradshaw’s offense

He tries a powerbomb, but O’Haire comes in with a kick to the face and hits an inverted samoan drop, allowing Palumbo to get a two count. Bradshaw comes back with a DDT and gets the tag to Ron, who slugs away on Palumbo but he gets caught with a clothesline from O’Haire and he sends Faarooq into the steps. Palumbo gets a two count back inside the ring and a double elbow allows O’Haire to take over. Kneelift gets two from O’Haire but he runs into a spinebuster and another hot tag to Bradshaw allows him to get a big boot on Palumbo as he runs in. Powerslam gets two and he tries another fall away slam but O’Haire superkicks him and Chuck falls on top for two. O’Haire holds Bradshaw and Palumbo dropkicks Bradshaw’s back, sending him face first into the top turnbuckle in an OK spot. Faarooq takes a superkick from Chuck, but out of nowhere Bradshaw hits the Clothesline from Hell to get the pin.

Winners: APA

-Typical APA match, slow and not very good. *1/2

-Backstage, Vince is with Chris Jericho who reminds McMahon that he was in ECW and Paul Heyman is a dangerous leader. He also happens to look like Shrek.

-Cut to the WCW locker room where Stephanie reminds up that she HATES Jericho. Shane pumps Billy Kidman up for his match with X-Pac. Heyman comes out of nowhere and gives one of his awesome jacked-up promos.

WCW Cruiserweight Champion vs. WWF Light Heavyweight Champion

Billy Kidman vs. X-Pac

Before this match even begins, allow us to compare the girlfriend/wife of these two individuals, and you tell me who got off better (haha, I made a funny)

Billy Kidman

Vs.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Holy Christ, I forgot how manly she was. That’s something that will haunt your dreams right there. Anyways, on to the match. Just as JR finishes saying that X-Pac will probably get cheered because he is a WWF guy, the crowd starts chanting “X-Pac sucks”. Sometimes you don’t even need to make a smart ass comment. Pac gets an armdrag and booed out of the building for it. X-Pac grabs a headlock and takes Kidman down and paintbrushes him, so we now he’s at least playing the heel still. X-Pac gets a knock down and tries for a headlock, but Kidman comes back and takes Pac down and paintbrushes him as a receipt. Kidman gets a knock down, and a head scissors takeover sets up an enzugri that sends the Chyna fucker to the outside. Baseball slide into a facebuster plants X-Pac’s face into the floor before Kidman sends him inside and gets a two count. X-Pac takes another hurricanrana, but he sidesteps Kidman and tosses him over the top rope. Pac follows with a high cross body to the outside, and the crowd still hates him. Kidman takes a kick to the face and it gets two, then X-Pac grabs a headlock. Billy fights out of it but runs into a sleeper.

Boo this man

Kidman fights out of it and then gets his own sleeper, but X-Pac gets a back suplex to get out of that one. Pac heads up to the top and tries a rolling senton, but Kidman moves out of the way. Billy builds momentum with a dropkick and a powerbomb for two. Kidman gets a 10-punch in the corner, but X-pac powerbombs out of it and goes for the pin with his feet on the ropes, but it only gets two. X-Pac attempts a powerbomb, but Kidman reverses with a nice facebuster that gets two. Kidman heads up top and tries something, but it doesn’t matter because X-Pac reverses to the X-Factor in mid-air but it only gets two to my surprise. He tries for the Bronco Buster, but Kidman puts his foot right into X-Pac’s junk…THAT is gonna ruin his weekend.

“Mr. Pac? We found these in the 5^th row.”

The crowd approves of X-Pac being kicked in the balls. Kidman heads to the top and a Shooting Star Press gets the pin and a nice little pop.

Winner: Billy Kidman

-Not a terrible little match at all, so far it’s the match of the night at **3/4.

-Back in the WCW/ECW locker room, the McMahon kids approve. DDP comes in and has to be refocused from thinking about Sara Undertaker or Debra.

-Cut to Stacy Keibler and Torrie Wilson, who actually uses the word “voluptuous” in a sentence for the first time in her life. Stacy says that with her ass and Torrie’s chest, Matt and Jeff Hardy will totally want them.

“Sorry girls, I enjoy the company of other men”

Hardy Boyz fear boobies

William Regal vs. Raven

Lockup to start and Regal hammers away in the corner and hits a clothesline. Regal follows with a double arm suplex and Raven rolls to the outside to catch his breath. Regal doesn’t approve of this and throws him back inside and hits a European uppercut for three two-counts. Raven misses a dropkick and Regal catapults him over the top and to the outside. Regal introduces Raven’s face to the ring apron, but now Raven reverses and sends Regal over the top and to the outside. Raven uses a Russian leg sweep and Regal’s head smacks the ring barrier. Back inside, Raven goes to work in the corner and hits a clothesline off the rope for two. Snap mare into a chinlock bores the crowd. This is a total mismatch of styles. Regal fights out and gets a suplex for two, but Raven comes back with a forearm off the second rope. He tries again, because he never listens to Gorilla Monsoon, and Regal blocks it and hits a running knee. Raven does manage to get a small package out of nowhere for two and adds a bulldog for another two count.

Look, it’s a bulldog in a bikini.

Raven comes off the ropes with a sunset flip, but Regal rolls through for a two count. Regal gets another rollup, as it looks like they tried the “wrestling sequence” spot, but they fucked it up. Regal gets an elbow off the ropes as the crowd is getting restless. Raven tries for his Evenflow DDT, but Regal suplexes out of it. Undeterred, Raven tries again and gets ran into the corner. Raven whips Regal into the corner and tries a blind charge, but they knock heads and Raven falls to the outside. Now there is a run-in from Tazz (drawing the biggest pop of the night) with an ECW t-shirt on. He hits Regal with a Tazzplex, allowing Raven to hit the DDT for the three count.

Winner: Raven

-Like I said earlier, this had no chemistry at all and it showed. * and that’s all.

-Backstage, Kane, Undertaker and Mrs. Taker are getting pumped up by Vinnie Mac. Vince goes a little too far in talking about the Undertaker’s wife and gets slammed into the wall by Taker.

Creatures of the Night indeed

Big Show, Billy Gunn, and Albert vs. Shawn Stasiak, Hugh Morris, and Chris Kanyon

Albert is the Intercontinental champion at this time, and Big Show and Billy had been teaming because they were perennial “underachievers”. Not exactly a gimmick to get you over. The WCW definitely come out to Mr. Perfect’s theme music, no question.

Bring it

The WCW guys jump the WWF guys from behind, so all three WWF guys gorilla press all three WCW guys to establish dominance. Officially, Kanyon starts with Billy Gunn and hammers away in the corner. Hey, look at that. A guy who played a gay guy on TV and offended everyone is getting beat down by a REAL gay guy. Justice is served in the World Wrestling Federation. Kanyon gets hit with an Electric Chair Drop and Gunn follows up with a backslide for two. Stasiak gets a cheap shot in, allowing Kanyon to hit a Russian leg sweep into a facebuster for two. Stasiak checks in and the crowd immediately starts with the “Meat” chants. God that character sucked ass. As opposed to Stasiak who just sucks. Stasiak’s only claim to fame in the WWF was the fact that one time Terri Runnels, Jacqueline, and Ryan Shamrock got him so worked up during an interview backstage, that he got into the ring and had a raging hard on. How do you wrestle that? Anyways, Shawn hammers away in corner on Billy Gunn, but gets caught with a neckbreaker for the double KO. Billy tags in Albert who goes his offense all while going “ARGGGGGHHHH!!!!” For no reason a big brawl erupts between all six men and the WCW guys end up being thrown outside, leaving Stasiak to get kicked in the face by Albert. Albert then fights off the entire WCW team and hits the Baldo Bomb on Stasiak, but it only gets two as Hugh Morris breaks it up. Hugh tags himself in and runs into a powerslam and Albert makes the tag to Billy Gunn, who hits the Fameasser, but can’t cover because Kanyon runs in the ring. Albert gets rid of him, but Stasiak comes in from behind with a reverse DDT and rolls Hugh on top for the three count.

Winners: Hugh Morris, Shawn Stasiak, and Chris Kanyon

-Post-match, the WWF guys get their heat back immediately by chokeslamming everyone and thus making the result of the match secondary and not letting the WCW guys get over at all. So there. Wasn’t a terrible match though, ** at the most however.

-Backstage, Shane is ranting and raving to Booker T about WCW winning the series 4-3 because Chavo Guerrero defeated Scotty 2 Hotty on Sunday Night Heat.

-Cut to Tajiri in William Regal’s office, Regal comes in screaming about Tajiri beating Tazz for the WWF’s honor.

Tazz vs. Tajiri

Now, wouldn’t this be a perfect time to bust out a no-DQ match and just let these two ex-ECW wrestlers beat the shit out of one another and get the crowd rabid? Of course not, if you’re Vince McMahon. Big brawl to start, but Tajiri takes advantage with a spinning heel kick and a standing moonsault for two. Tajiri chops away in the corner, but runs into a Tazzplex and Tazz takes over. Tajiri reverses a suplex and starts pounding the shit out of Tazz with kicks, but that just pisses Tazz off and he takes Tajiri’s head off with a clothesline. Tazz gets caught with his head down, but he hits a snapmare anyways and forearms Tajiri’s head very stiffly. Now it’s Tazz’s turn to deliver the chops in the corner and he takes him down for two. Tazz tries a cross armbreaker, but Tajiri gets to the ropes to break the hold. Tazz sends him into the corner and Tajiri tries to vault over Tazz’s charge, but gets caught and hit with an Alabama Slam for two. Story of the match is that Tazz is a bully who is stronger than Tajiri, so you know he’s gonna pull the upset somehow. Tazz sends Tajiri into the ropes, but Tajiri counters with his handspring rebound elbow to wake the crowd up. Tazz yanks Tajiri to the outside when he tries as Asai Moonsault and tosses him into the ring steps. Tajiri rolls back in and catches Tazz in the Tarantula submission hold and hits a dropkick to Tazz’s face for two. The STIFF buzzsaw kicks are coming and I love it, so Tazz says “enough of this shit” and suplexes the hell out of him. But, out of nowhere, Tajiri spews green mist in Tazz’s face and hits a stiff kick for the three count.

Winner: Tajiri

-You know, I never understood how the referee could allow a win when there is green shit coming out of one wrestler’s mouth and the other wrestler’s face is covered. Anyways, **1/2 for a decent match.

-Backstage, Matt is worried about Jeff, saying RVD built his reputation in ladder matches (huh?). So, just to be a dick, RVD blasts Matt with a chair and then tells Jeff he’s next.

-At WWF New York, Hardcore Holly is giving autographs and beats up a fan who is wearing a WCW shirt.

Hardcore Championship

Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam

RVD has the bland Pantera rip-off music here and Fink doesn’t even give him the chance to do the finger pointing “Rob-Van-Dam” pose. Amateur.

Whatever, dude

Hardy runs down to the ring and Van Dam kicks him in the head off a split and they trade a bunch of standing moonsaults and legdrops, and they show you how a wrestling sequence is supposed to be done. A pretty loud “ECW” chant breaks out for the first time tonight and RVD stops to pose, but gets dropkicked in the back. Hardy stomps away in the corner, then sends him to the other side, but misses a blind charge. Hardy gets whipped into the corner, but he goes up and over Van Dam and dropkicks him down. Off the ropes, RVD tries a monkey flip, but a split legged leg drop gets two for Hardy. The screaming girls are in full force for Jeff tonight. Inverted atomic drop hits for Jeff, but he misses a cross body and RVD hits a standing moonsault for two. Double arm piledriver plants Hardy and RVD hits Rolling Thunder to a great pop and a two count. RVD tries to go up top, but Hardy shoves him to the outside and Rob lands hand. It’s very odd to only hear the ECW chants during this match. Of course that could be because the entire crowd is only WWF fans, but I find that hard to believe. I think it’s because they saw the “new” ECW as watered down and knew that RVD was the only one who could still be himself. Kinda like today, when RVD got a bigger pop than 99% of the roster when he came back in the 15^th anniversary RAW show. Anyways, I digress, and Hardy hits a baseball slide to the outside, then tries a rail runner but RVD jumps on the rail too and clotheslines him off. Into the crowd they go and RVD hits a moonsault off of the hockey boards for two. RVD’s cockiness is beyond measure, and I love it. Rob brings him back to ringside and hangs him on the ring barrier. ECW fans know what’s coming, and it’s a spinning heel kick from the ring apron, but it only gets two. “RVD” chant is definitely dominating the arena right now. Jeff catches him coming in on the ring apron and he hits a sunset flip into a powerbomb to the outside and RVD lands HARD. Ouch. Hardy decides he’s had enough of this wrestling shit and brings out a BIG ladder from underneath the ring. Hardy heads to the very top because he’s suicidal, but RVD rolls back into the ring to get away from Jeff, then he shakes the ladder and Jeff falls a LONG way onto the entrance ramp. (Interestingly this is where they pulled the JR quote: “How do you learn how to fall off a 20 foot ladder” AND “how’s he even able to stand, is what I want to know” for the Don’t Try This at Home video package before every WWE DVD release that YOU CAN’T SKIP NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU WATCH IT.) Now, RVD grabs his weapon of choice, a steel chair. Jeff manages to toss the top of the ladder into RVD’s face and gets ahold of the ladder. He smacks Van Dam in the back and RVD begs off, Hardy hesitates which allows RVD to jump up and hit the Van Daminator, sending Jeff off the stage and into that hole between the entrance ramps. Holy hell, that was awesome. Van Dam drags him back onto the stage and hits a 360 leg drop for two. He drags Jeff by his purple hair back into the ring and hammers away and lays his head against the bottom turnbuckle. RVD skateboards the chair into Jeff’s face, busting him open, but the split-legged moonsault only hits knees. Hardy PLANTS RVD with a DDT but that only gets two as well. Damn that was a nice sell. Hardy tries for the pin again but it only gets two one more time. Back suplex folds Van Dam up like an accordion and it gets two. RVD’s selling is carrying this part of the match. Jawbreaker puts Van Dam down and Jeff heads up to the top rope but RVD moves out of the way of the Swanton Bomb. RVD puts the hardcore title on Jeff’s chest and now it’s his turn to go up to the top rope and a five-star frog splash gets the pin and the title.

Winner and NEW champion: Rob Van Dam

-That was one hell of a match, with both men taking nice bumps, RVD selling his ass off, and both men hitting their big moves without screwing up any spots. That, my friends is a ***3/4 match and should be the match of the night. See how good he was when Rob Van Dam gave a shit?

-We are reminded we are in Cleveland, Ohio…and I remind you that Cleveland, Ohio sucks balls.

Number of Super Bowl Trophies in Cleveland

Choke on those bitches

-Backstage, Vince is with Kurt Angle who drops an uncensored “bullshit” on the crowd.

-Recap of the epic feud between Trish and Lita against Stacy and Trish. I’m sure this rivals Austin/McMahon and Rhodes/Flair in the anticipation for this colossal contest. I wonder if all the WWE women just dip their head in one giant vat of bleach, or go to it individually.

-Mick Foley is YOUR special guest referee…again.

Tag Team Bra and Panties Match

Trish Stratus and Lita vs. Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler

Even JR makes fun of this match in his own special way before all the intros are done, so you know we’re going to see a classic. Big old catfight to start and Torrie and Trish are the official starters of the match. Torrie gets a terrible looking dropkick and then kicks away in the corner, then a dramatic slap sets the tension. Trish comes back with her equally terrible punches, and then hits a clothesline before following up with a suplex. She tries to strip her shirt off, but Stacy comes in to break it up. The WCW girls take a double clothesline from Trish and she gets the tag to Lita, but neither of the heels want to face her so she drags Stacy in. Her shirt comes off very quickly to a SCARY pop, and she bails and runs away. Lita gets caught by Torrie coming back in, as I’m not even going to recap this like it’s wrestling or something. The WCW girls double team Lita and take her shirt off, revealing that hideous tattoo. Lita comes back with a couple of snap mares, then heads up top and misses a high cross body. Thankfully, she had a lot of silicone to break her fall. Both get the tag and Trish takes over on Torrie before she misses a blind charge and gets thrown across the ring by her hair. I think I saw Flair and Steamboat do that spot about 20 years ago, must be a homage. Torrie tries to take Trish’s pants off, but Trish reverses it and takes HER pants off…TAKE THAT! Poetry in Motion from Lita gets Torrie Wilson completely stripped, and Stacy takes a moonsault from Lita and, mercifully, it’s over.

Winners: Trish Stratus and Lita

Little Mermaid Priest Guy is excited

-Garbage, crap, terrible, ridiculous, 10 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Save time, type their names in on Google and oogle (ha…ha) their boobs and move on with your life. DUD.

-Back in the WCW locker room, Steph and Paul Heyman are rallying the troops. Stephanie’s screeching is at like an 8.9 right now.

-Over in WWF land, Austin doesn’t want any kind of motivation from Vince McMahon. He says he’s not here for any hugging or kissing or guitar playing, he’s here to whoop ass.

-Recap of the entire Invasion angle leading up to the PPV, starting with Shane buying WCW, the angle trying to make them faces failing miserably, and they started completely over. Then, in one of the best promos of his life, Paul Heyman takes the invasion to the EXTREME, bringing back ECW and merging it with WCW…before flushing it all down the shitter and naming Stephanie the new “owner” of ECW. Vince then tries to motivate Steve Austin, but I went over all of that back in the beginning of this whole thing, so go back and watch that YouTube video again and get pissed off all over again. The actual Austin again was really good leading up to the match actually, to be fair. There was one “chill moment” when “Classy” Freddy Blassie gave a hell of a speech and stood up out of his wheel chair to get the WWF wrestlers to fight for their promotion.

Team WCW/ECW (Diamond Dallas Page, the Dudley Boyz, Rhyno, Booker T) vs. Team WWF (Kane, the Undertaker, Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, Steve Austin)

All the owners are in the their team’s corners, and Vince gets a REALLY good pop coming out, showing that if they did this damn thing right they could have made BILLIONS. Of course there were a TON of rumors online that someone was going to turn on the WWF during this match, which makes sense because you can’t have the WWF winning the very first match between the two organizations because you have to establish them as a threat (which would pretty much be the last of that). Everyone thought it would be Jericho, but the writing team didn’t like that because they thought it was “too obvious”, so they chose someone else…hmmm I wonder who it is? HUGE brawl to start and it ends up with Austin and Rhyno in the ring together and Steve stomps a mudhole in him in the corner, then slugs down DDP and Bubba Ray. Running knee lift and a Thesz Press hits on Rhyno, so he drops an elbow and gets two. Austin perches Rhyno on the top rope and chops away, then brings him off with a TOP ROPE superplex for two before D-Von breaks it up. He tags in Y2J, who takes his turn chopping away and hits a flying forearm before hammering away. Rhyno comes back with a clothesline and tags in Booker T, who serves up his chops. He misses a kick off the ropes and takes a pair of armdrag takeovers, and a bulldog for tow. Rhyno tries to break it up, but a springboard dropkick sends him to the outside, and then Jericho hits a missile dropkick from the second rope on Booker for two. Angle decides he wants to kicks some ass and tags in, which the crowd approves of…A LOT.

Bring it

Angle goes nuts on Booker and flattens him with an elbow, but runs into a spinning heel kick from Booker. D-Von tags in and hits an elbow off the ropes, but he gets caught with an elbow in the corner and gets clotheslined down. Kane tags in and beats the shit out of D-Von in the corner and follows with a sidewalk slam for a two count that DDP breaks up. D-Von comes back with some right hands, but runs into a choke before Bubba comes in to save his black brother from certain death. Kane fights him off and Kane gets a back suplex on D-Von, but Bubba sneaks in and grabs Kane, and they hit a double hangman’s neckbreaker for two. Bubba is now legal apparently and tries his luck, but he runs into a big boot from Kane and he follows with a clothesline from the top rope for two. Undertaker wants his turn now and uses his main offensive maneuver, a punch. Bubba comes back and slugs him down for two, but UT comes right back with a clothesline off the ropes and he takes a shot at DDP while he’s at it. Taker drops a leg on Bubba for a two count and he wants to go OLD SCHOOL on Bubba Ray Dudley.

Do it

Now Taker just decides to beat up the entire WCW team, but DDP clothesline him on the top rope and that enables Bubba to get the tag to Rhyno, who beats the hell out of Taker in the corner. Now that UT is in trouble, DDP wants in and he goes to work on Taker in the corner. A clothesline gets two and Taker tries to come back, but DDP hits a 360 clothesline. Sloppy looking back elbow sets up a DDT for DDP, who then tags in Booker. Leg lariat off the ropes gets two, but Booker gets caught with his head down and Taker gets a DDT of his own for two. Austin comes in and goes to work on Booker’s arm before driving him into a corner and stomping another mudhole. There are a lot of mudholes in that ring tonight. Booker tries to come back, but Austin clotheslines him down and tries for a Stunner, but Booker wants none of that. Austin clotheslines him to the outside and suplexes him on the floor. Back inside, Jericho checks in again and goes for the Walls of Jericho. DDP tries to save and he almost takes the Walls before bailing and Jericho tries for the Lionsault on Booker, but it misses and Jericho gets clotheslined on the top rope. D-Von comes in and hammers away in the corner before tagging in Bubba who drops a couple elbows. HARD slaps in the corner redden Jericho’s chest, but a Dudley Double Team fails and Jericho knocks them both down. Angle gets the hot tag and cleans house on the Dudley Boyz. (Side note: When a wrestler who gets a hot tag “cleans house” is he cleaning the “house of fire” they always speak of? Because that would make a lot of really weird sense) Anyways, Kurt hits a belly to belly on each Dudley and gets two on D-Von. Angle sends DDP off the apron but Bubba hits his Bubba Bomb and D-Von is the legal man, so he slams Angle, and then adds a legdrop for two. “Paul E. Sucks” chant for no reason starts as Rhyno tags in and hits a belly to belly of his own on Angle for two before Austin breaks it up and let’s the referee know he’s number 1. Bubba tags in and trades shots with Angle, then decides he’s had enough and tags in D-Von again. D-Von does some token mid-card offense, then tags in Booker T who hits an Axe Kick on Angle, then adds a Spinaroonie and a two count, which the Undertaker doesn’t appreciate. DDP tags in and Austin runs in and knocks the shit out of Booker for no reason while Page hits a spiral powerbomb for two and Austin breaks it up HARD. The crowd is eating out of Austin’s hands right now. The Dudleys hit the WASSUP groin headbutt on Angle for two and DDP tries his luck again. Page grabs a Sleeper then brings Angle down for a two count, and then locks in a front facelock. Angle fights for the corner and finally gets the tag to Austin, but of course the referee doesn’t see the tag which allows the heels to beat the shit out of Angle while Austin argues. DDP hits the Diamond Cutter, which Michael Cole has no idea is his finishing move. UT comes in and kicks Page’s ass and a huge brawl breaks out and Rhyno accidentally GORE GORE GORES Booker T. Everyone is cleared out of the ring except for Taker and Page and UT hits a sidewalk slam. Chokeslam hits and WCW referee Charles Robinson runs in and gets involved, so Taker gives him the Last Ride to a hell of a pop.

“Hey, you can’t do that to Little Naitch, WOOOO!”

Wrestlers are just all over the place right now fighting, with Taker chasing DDP away into the crowd. Kane is prepping an announce table while a trainer takes a look at Austin, who has apparently injured his leg. Bubba nails Kane with a piece of the table and the Dudleys double team him and crash him head first into the ring steps. The Dudleys set up a table leaning against the ring barrier, but Kane comes back and chokeslams him through the announce table. I’d say hell has pretty much broken loose. Bubba smacks Kane with a television monitor and Rhyno helps him suplex Kane though the OTHER announce table. Then Jericho comes out of nowhere and spears Rhyno through the set up table to take both of them out of the match. Back inside the ring, Bubba and Booker are double teaming Angle in the corner. But Kurt is a stallion and he fights back with a german suplex on Booker, an Angle Slam on Bubba, then he locks in the Ankle Lock on Booker. Crowd loves Angle. Booker kicks him off though and he knocks out the WWF referee and Booker hits a flapjack for the double KO. Vince tries to be his sneaky self and slides the WWF title in the ring, but Shane is quicker and he nails his dad with the belt, but Angle ducks it and gets rid of Shane, then backdrops Bubba outside as well. Angle Slam on Booker and he grabs the Ankle Lock to a MONSTER pop while Austin revives the referee and tosses him back in the ring. Then, big surprise of course, Austin turns on the WWF, stuns Kurt Angle, and rolls Booker on top for the three count.

Winners: Team WCW/ECW

-I’ll get to the terrible booking here in a second, but as a match it was fairly decent. The heat segments were OK, but lacking for some reason. The last 10 minutes were pretty badass though, so I’ll go *** for the match. Now for the booking decision…

-So, they didn’t want to turn Jericho, because they were worried it would be “too obvious” even though Jericho actually was IN WCW only a few years ago. Steve Austin, on the other hand, left WCW on TERRIBLE terms, made it well known in ECW that he absolutely despised the promotion and everyone in it. Fast forward to 2001, Austin is the most popular WWF champion EVER (yes, even more than Hogan) and has whipped the crowd into an absolute frenzy anticipating the “old Stone Cold” from 1997-2000 returning to raise hell and beat the shit out of some WCW/ECW assholes. With the Rock gone filming movies and HHH tearing up his quad like Britney Spears tears through a buffet, Austin was really the only HUGE star left to carry the WWF through their war with WCW.

-Now, because WCW didn’t have a ton of star power, it was understandable that they would want to move a big name to WCW to help carry the load. But, did it really have to be your most popular wrestler on the roster? I mean, they had JUST tried a heel turn with him at WrestleMania X-7 and it flopped terribly. He’s YOUR GUY. No one saw him as a “WCW guy” or an “ECW guy”, which is why the crowd completely shit on the angle right out of the gate.

-Basically what it came down to was the WWF saying: “We know what you want to see more than you do.” The WWF fans told them that they wanted to see, no…they were DYING to see WWF vs. ECW and WCW, but they wanted to see Austin leading the charge. They wanted Austin and Vince vs. Shane and his goons, good vs. evil, Austin battling the big bad invaders. Hell, if we were lucky maybe we would see Austin vs. Goldberg, Austin vs. Flair, Austin, Rocky, and HHH vs. the now, or hell…even Austin vs. Bill Goldberg. Now, I understand that those matches couldn’t all happen, but that’s what the fans wanted. Even if you can’t give them the opponents, notice the common denominator…Austin is wrestling them all. I can’t change history, they tried making WCW faces and failed, turned them heels and then turned Austin heel, and they failed miserably again. But they don’t need me to tell them that, they saw it when the ratings came out and saw hundreds of thousands of people turning their televisions to something else and never coming back. The casual fan base was officially gone and the loyal WWF fans were left there shaking their heads saying “What the hell were they thinking?”

-Whew, still here after all that? Sorry I got off on a rant there, but it needed to be said. I could probably write another 10 pages on it but I’ll spare you. The event overall wasn’t that great, but it is somewhat historical. So if you find it for cheap, which isn’t likely because it says “WWF” on it, go for it and enjoy the stupidity.

My final verdict is…meh.

More REVIEWS

'Pit's Picks

UFC 80: Rapid Fire

Jan. 19, 2008

T-Shirt of the Month

"Randy Is My Hero"

Exclusively in the

'Pit Shop

(for a limited time only)