Review of WWE WrestleMania 23

-We kick it off with the Super WrestleMania Hype Video, which is present every year, and is even bigger this year because it’s the 20 year anniversary of WrestleMania III, the biggest of all time. They even decided to head back to Detroit, Michigan to celebrate, and guess what? The Lions STILL haven’t won a Super Bowl, haha.

-They even dusted the cobwebs off of Aretha Franklin, and she easily looks like she weighs as much as King Kong Bundy after a trip to the Sizzler buffet.

Hogan can’t slam this

-I’m serious, her boobs have to be like 42 GGGG. They are like Dog’s wife on Dog: The Bounty Hunter.

-After the National Anthem, which really wasn’t that bad, we get the All Grown Up videos of little kids pretending to be the wrestlers of today. I thought it was kinda cool.

-JR and Jerry are of course YOUR announcers, who inform us that there are more fans at WrestleMania 23 than were at Super Bowl XL (which was won by who? That’s right, the Steelers. Just making sure you knew).

Money in the Bank Ladder Match

Edge vs. CM Punk vs. King Booker vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. Matt Hardy vs. Finlay vs. Randy Orton

This is an odd choice for an opener, but I’m not the billionaire booker, so hey whatever. The bell rings and to call this match a spotfest would probably be an understatement. Kennedy makes a dash for the ladder as soon as the bell rings and of course a huge brawl breaks out. Winner of course gets a title shot whenever they feel like it within the next year. First spot of the match as Finlay heads up top (??!) and launches to the outside on top of everyone except Matt and Edge, who battle in the ring. As soon as they clear out, Orton and Finlay take a turn fighting on top of the ladder, and then Kennedy and Jeff take their turn. Booker goes searching under the ring for something to play with, but only finds a small step ladder (Booker: “Tell me I did not just see this.”). CM Punk interrupts and beats on everyone with the tiny ladder. Edge gets control and smacks Punk in the face, busting him open, and then lays a ladder across the apron and the barrier surrounding the floor. You know that’s gonna end bad for someone. Punk comes back with a snap suplex on the floor, while Booker dominates everyone else in the ring and celebrates with a spinaroonie until the Hardy Boyz reunite to smack everyone with ladders. Ah, brotherly love. Side effect by Matt on Edge, and the Hardys set up the Joey Mercury-killing ladder catapult, but Finlay interrupts and dumps Jeff off the top to the floor. Edge comes back and suplexes Matt on the set up ladders, and that didn’t look like it felt good. Kennedy finally rejoins us and sets Matt up on a ladder before heading up top to try the Kenton Bomb, but he only hits steel. This allows Jeff to come back with his Swanton, and the Hardys nail Orton and Finlay with the ladder. But the bonding finally ends, as the brothers head up top and fight over the briefcase before Finlay pushes the ladder over to end that. Michael Cole is just spewing out every single wrestling cliché he can possibly think of. He is absolutely brutal.

Just look at this picture and tell me you don’t think he’s a tool.

Finlay gets ahold of a ladder, but Edge comes out of nowhere with a spear, and then gives some more out to anyone that moves. He tries for one last spear on Punk, but he leapfrogs Edge at the last second and Edge hits the turnbuckle. Punk borrows a spot from Terry Funk in ECW and whirls the ladder around while it’s on his head as everyone heads for the hills. Edge comes out of the corner with a spear, and the ladder Punk was holding hits Orton and Finlay on the way down. Edge goes out and gets a HUGE ladder and sets it up in the ring, but Orton cuts him off and dumps him all the way to the floor. Jeff makes a return and takes out Orton, then directs Matt to put Edge on his previously set up ladder laying across the apron and barrier. Jeff Hardy is completely insane. He climbs to the top and leaps on top of Edge. Edge is DEAD.

Jeff: What the hell am I thinking?

Edge REALLY hopes his chiropractor works Sundays

That was just ridiculous. The replays make it look even more brutal. Edge does the stretcher job, and really who can blame him? I like that the paramedics almost push Jeff aside while he crawls around and basically looks like pain in human form. Back in the ring, Orton hits an RKO on Mat, then one more for Finlay. Would you like one Mr. Kennedy? Of course you would. Orton tries to climb, but Punk interrupts and sets up his own ladder next to Orton’s while the announcers ponder Punk’s preference of his own ladders. Orton climbs up his own ladder and meets Punk up there, coming off with a HUGE RKO.

Punk hopes Sci-Fi Network execs are watching

Booker returns to try to climb up, and Orton climbs up to try his Super RKO again, but Booker says “no way” and Book Ends him from the top. Ouch. Matt and Booker fight at the top of the ladder and Queen Sharmell yanks Matt off, but gets grabbed. Sweet spot as Matt holds Sharmell hostage, promising to give her the Twist of Fate unless Booker climbs down off the ladder. (JBL: “The hell with her, I’ve left plenty of women!”) Booker, of course, is the noble king and comes down to take a Twist of Fate for himself. Slow climb for Matt and Finlay dumps him backwards off the ladder and he’s busted open but I didn’t see how. Finlay hits the Celtic Cross on Matt on the ladder, and that couldn’t have tickled. Now it’s Finlay’s turn to try to climb, and Hornswoggle comes in to climb for him. Kennedy has seen enough of this shit and meets Hornswoggle on the top of the ladder.

“They seriously let YOU be his kid?”

Needless to say, it’s a bit of a mismatch, and Kennedy squashes the midget like a bug with the Green Bay Plunge. He landed RIGHT on top of him. You know it’s an extreme match when a midget gets hurt. Finlay takes Kennedy out with a ladder shot, but his climb is interrupted by a dropkick from CM Punk, who seems to be the crowd favorite. Slowest...climb…ever and Kennedy meets him at the top, but Punk shoves him off and tries again, but Kennedy spears him in the face with a ladder and climbs up and grabs the briefcase for the win.

Winner: Mr. Kennedy

-Well, like I said, it was a huge spotfest and a pretty good one at that. It didn’t live up to some of the other TLC matches, but anytime people get together to hurt each other for my entertainment I have no complaints. I’m going to go ahead and deliver ***1/2 for the violence and midget squashing.

-Cut to the premiere of The Condemned, and did you know Steve Austin is in it? I actually saw it, and really it’s not that terrible. Even the violence isn’t “movie violence”, if that makes any sense, it’s got rape and some pretty sick deaths. Not a bad waste of 12 bucks, I’ve seen a lot worse.

-Backstage, Todd Grisham is with Mr. Kennedy, who thanks himself for winning.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

This is written all over this match

I would rather see match number 342 in the Undertaker-Kane series than see this crap match. There’s no way this thing is going to be any good, you wait and see. Lawler tries to compare Khali to Andre the Giant, which, sorry Jerry, just ain’t happening. I just hope they keep this short. Lockup and Khali shoves Kane across the ring and then tosses him outside. Back in, Kane takes a clothesline and gets bodyslammed. Khali locks on a nerve pinch, which I’ve always thought only looks like a neck massage. Khali shoves Kane into a corner as JR calls his offense “bowling shoe ugly” which are his code words that really mean “he sucks as a wrestler.” Kane comes back with some right hands and a clothesline in the corner, then heads up top and hits a flying clothesline that doesn’t take Khali down. Kane ties him up in the ropes, a la Andre, and Kane grabs his See No Evil hook from under the ring. The referee has freed Khali in the meantime and he slugs Kane down. The crowd just could give two shits less about this match. Khali rips the turnbuckle pad off, but Kane goes low with the chain and bodyslams Khali to wake the crowd up. Call me crazy, but I don’t think that had the same effect as the WrestleMania III bodyslam. The devastating bodyslam of death only gets two. Kane tries for the chokeslam, but Khali catches him with his double-handed chokeslam and that’s all she wrote.

Winner: The Great Khali

-Post-match, Khali chokes Kane out with the chain, but I don’t care. Match sucked of course. ¼*, but just barely.

-Backstage, Cryme Tyme is with Eugene, and all three of them are fired just a little over 6 months later. Damn, Cryme Tyme really screwed up their push, didn’t they? They were actually an OVER face tag team, and then had to piss it all away. Anyways, the boys console Eugene and set up a little party with the Extreme Expose chicks, including Kelly Kelly (pre-implants). Eugene doesn’t seem too thrilled until he spots MOOLAH AND MAE YOUNG IN THE SAME OUTFITS! AHH! My eyes, they burn! In the most random cameo of the night, the Doctor of Style himself, Slick appears and dances. Then the American Dream, Sgt. Slaughter, Jimmy Hart, and IRS (complete with briefcase) show up and bust a move. Ricky Steamboat even gives us a karate scream. Odd.

-The Detroit Tigers are there, and Ivan Rodriquez has a HUGE forehead.

WWE United States Championship

Chris Benoit vs. MVP

I’m surprised WWE hasn’t found a way to erase Benoit from every DVD I own without my knowledge. Benoit’s pop is pretty impressive. Lockup to start and a MVP headlock leads to a Benoit headscissors, which is floated through into a leglock. Nice sequence.

Hey Chris, what do I do next?

MVP goes into a headlock and hits a shoulderblock, and even manages to block a german suplex and a Crippler Crossface attempt and dump Benoit. Chris tries for a Sharpshooter, but that’s reversed as well, and MVP is looking good. Benoit gets a takedown but MVP comes back with a fireman’s carry, but Benoit floats through and keeps trying for the Crossface. MVP misses a charge into the corner and Benoit sets him on the top rope and tries for a superplex, but MVP fights out and drops Benoit’s arm on the top rope. MVP goes to work on the arm, and a punt kick to the back gets two. Some stiff kicks catch Benoit on the back and MVP slugs him down. MVP tries one kick too many though, and Benoit nails the triple german suplex but gets caught trying to go up top. MVP hits a superplex, but Benoit hooks him on the landing for a two count, which just pisses MVP off. He stays on Benoit’s arm, sending him shoulder-first into the post and rolling him up for two. Basically the story of the match is MVP countering everything that Benoit throws at him. Back suplex from MVP gets two, and questions the referees counting ability. Off the ropes, Benoit holds on but still runs into a foot to the face, that was just him being stupid, and that gets two. MVP tries a back suplex but Benoit reverses to the Crossface, but MVP fights out of it. Bodyslam sets up the Baller Elbowdrop for two. MVP misses a charge to the corner again, and Benoit hits two of his germans before MVP reverses again, but he’s just delaying the inevitable and Benoit comes back with three more german suplexes. Benoit hits the flying headbutt from the top rope and that’s good enough for the pin.

Winner and STILL champion: Chris Benoit

-You know what? This seemed like the first part of a REALLY great match. I was actually sorry to see it end so quickly and abruptly. **3/4 but I wish they gave them more time. Cut the damn women’s match or some other dead wood.

-Backstage, Donald Trump and Miss Teen America-turned-slut are chatting, but the Boogieman interrupts. The skank runs off, but The Donald is not fazed, even when mini-Boogie arrives.

-Recap video of the Hall of Fame inductions, which I loved only because my man Mr. Perfect finally got his due.

If it weren’t for steel posts, Curt would have been World Champion for 10 years

-Lillian says there are 80,103…think that’s a real number? Hmmmm.

-Howard Finkle introduces the Hall of Fame people, not much to recap here. Mr. Fuji looks like he’s 1000 years old, but at least it got me a freakin DON MURACO SIGHTING! At least it’s good to see Dusty is still at the same weight he was when he wrestled.

-Poll reveals 82% of fans think the Undertaker will win the next match, gee, what a surprise.

-Recap of the Batista-Undertaker feud, with Batista jumping Taker at No Way Out, but hey, who can blame him? I’ve grown to appreciate Batista’s work a lot more recently, but the Undertake is still a terrible wrestler.

World Heavyweight Championship

Batista vs. The Undertaker

They, of course, annoy me right off the bat by introducing the CHAMPION first. You never never never never do that. It’s the little stuff that bugs me. Since it’s WrestleMania, they go over the top with the Undertaker entrance to get a rise out of the rubes. Bell rings and Batista goes nuts, pounding away in the corner, but Taker comes back with some right hands of his own. Crowd is solidly behind the Undertaker. Batista clotheslines Taker over the top and to the floor then gets dragged out to continue the brawl. Dave introduces Taker’s face to the apron then sends him tumbling over the steel steps in a nice little bump. Back inside, Batista goes up top (?!?!) and hits a shoulderblock from two. Batista runs into a big boot, but it doesn’t faze him and he clotheslines Taker down for two. Batista tries to rearrange Taker’s face with his foot, but UT is having none of it.

“I think these are a little tight in the toes.”

They exchange right hands while the crowd does that weird “YAY!” “BOO!” thing. Taker hits two charges to the corner, and then drops Batista on the top turnbuckle with snake eyes before booting him down. Legdrop gets two because Taker is not the Immortal Hogan. Taker climbs the ropes holding Batista’s arm, so you know what’s coming next.

Vince Vaughn just dominates this poster

Taker tries for a chokeslam, but Batista powers out of it, and the crowd is SERIOUSLY into this match. Off the ropes and Taker hits a flying clothesline for two then sends Batista to the outside. Taker rams Batista’s head to the steel steps before hitting his legdrop on the apron, which is always an impressive looking move.

BANZAI!

Just remembered this is actually the 10^th anniversary of the Undertaker winning the title at WrestleMania XIII. Taker goes back inside and FLIES with a dive over the top and nailing Batista, whoa, FLYING TAKER! Taker kicks Batista’s ass all around the ring, but gets reversed and gets whipped HARD into the timekeeper’s table, ouch. A pissed off Batista hammers away on Taker and then cleans off the ECW announcer’s table, then sends JR and King running for the hill. Batista sets him up on the RAW announce table, then POWERSLAMS Taker through the ECW table, now THAT was impressive.

Do it.

JBL and Cole declare the Undertaker’s streak over and done with as Batista drags him back into the ring and gets a two count. Batista tries for a Batista Bomb, but Taker drives him into the corner, but he takes a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Batista hammers away in the corner, hitting the 10-punch which gets less than a positive reaction. Just as we get to punch number 6, Taker carries him out and hits the Last Ride for a two count that the crowd thought was it. Borrowed that spot from WrestleMania 17. Off the ropes, Taker gets caught with a spinebuster and now Batista is FEELIN IT! Batista tries to send him off the ropes, but gets caught with a chokeslam for two. UT has seen enough of this shit and tries for the Tombstone, but Dave reverses and hits a spear and the Batista Bomb FINALLY hits, but it only gets two. Batista tries for the Bomb one more time, but he went back to the well one too many times and gets backdropped. He still comes back though, and this time Dave tries for his own Tombstone, but that’s a MAJOR mistake against the Undertaker, and he reverses into the real Tombstone and, my friends, is 15-0 at WrestleMania.

Winner and NEW champion: The Undertaker

-You know, I’m probably gonna catch some flack for this one, but I swear these two have some sort of weird chemistry that just allows them to put on REALLY good matches against one another when they really should have no business doing so. I really think this was a solid *** match, with the crowd going nuts the whole time and some great power moves.

-Backstage, Stephanie brings her daughter to see Vince, and we get the baby’s point of view in a weird segment. Vince promises to give Donald Trump a skull fracture in baby talk. This man needs help.

ECW Originals (Sandman, Sabu, Tommy Dreamer, and Rob Van Dam) vs. The New Breed (Marcus Cor Von, Elijah Burke, Kevin Thorn, and Matt Striker)

You know, I’m not even going to get started on the “new” ECW as it just makes me sick just thinking about. As a devout follower of the original ECW, Vince has no clue what made the original ECW tick, he just capitalized on the popularity of the brand name and uses it as a 21^st century version of WWF Superstars, or one of those other crappy Saturday morning shows he used to have. I know it wasn’t going to be as bloody or as controversial as the original ECW, but could you at least have separated it from Smackdown? I went and saw an ECW show right after they launched it at a little shithole outside Pittsburgh called the Rostraver Ice Garden. The damn place was a hockey rink and it only held MAYBE 800 people. But you know what? It was awesome because you could interact with the wrestlers, they could see and hear you, and you felt like PART of the show, which is what the original ECW was all about. Now, they stick them 100 feet away from you and you could care less. All I’m asking is for a billionaire reader to buy TNA and let me be the booker…hey, I can dream.

McMahon Fears Heyman

Anyways, onto the match as Sabu starts with Striker. Sabu comes right at him with a springboard clothesline and a springboard leg lariat, all of which only gets a one count. Sabu lays Striker over the top rope and tags in the Sandman, who comes off the top with a legdrop for two. Striker takes in Burke, who takes a hip toss and Dreamer comes in but gets nailed by Cor Von pounded in the corner. Double arm suplex for Cor Von, and Burke comes in and Dreamer takes a HIGH back body drop. Elijah Express hits in the corner, but it only gets two as Sabu breaks it up. Kevin Thorn, ECW’s resident vampire, comes in and quickens the pace with a chinlock.

Chinlocks are EXTREME

Dreamer tries to fight out of it, but gets caught and slammed by Thorn for a two count. Cor Von checks back in and hits a suplex for two, and goes back to the chinlock. Dreamer fights out again, and manages to get a reverse DDT on Cor Von and a neckbreaker on Elijah at the same time, not too bad. Hot tag to RVD and he cleans house and kicks the spit out of Striker. He nails Thorn with a kick from the top, and gets nice distance on the jump too. Rolling monkey flip out of the corner sends Striker almost 8 feet in the air, and Rolling Thunder hits before Cor Von drags RVD outside. Sabu doesn’t like that so he hits a 360 dive over the top as Dreamer DDTs Striker in the middle of the ring. Burke dumps Dreamer, so Sandman takes Elijah out with a Cactus Clothesline over the top to continue the chaos. Striker is still out in the ring, so RVD climbs to the top and hits the Five Star Frog Splash for three.

Winners: The ECW Originals

-I think I’m kinda biased towards hating ECWWE because of my bitterness towards how they ruined the one thing I loved about wrestling, but the match was OK. If there was a time to bust out every single weapon, table, blood, and violence, it would be this match. Have the 8 guys go insane with a brawl and make people WANT to watch ECW, but of course they just did a token WWE-style tag match, so that only gets **.

-Video announces that WrestleMania 24 will be in the Citrus Bowl in Orlando.

-Thomas “Hit Man” Hearns in there, and he really looks like he has no clue who he is, or where he is.

When you talk boxing you have to talk Bart Gunn

-Recap video of the “Battle of the Billionaires”, and they get a bunch of quasi-celebrities to make their pick, including the Rock. I bet Vince would get his whole body shaved if it meant getting the Rock back on a full time schedule. Vince promises to give Trump a “billionaire bitch slap”. Well then.

Hair vs. Hair Battle of the Billionaires

Bobby Lashley (w/Donald Trump) vs. Umaga (w/ Vince McMahon)

The barber chair gets its own entrance music, which I’m sure is a sign of the Apocalypse. As you no doubt know, whoever’s wrestler loses, that billionaire gets his head shaved. Steve Austin is, of course, YOUR special guest referee.

Trump’s baby=luckiest person on earth

They trade punches start and Lashley gets a clothesline in the corner, he pounds away but doesn’t break, so Austin drags him out himself, allowing Umaga to slug him down. Umaga misses a blind charge however, and Lashley gets a shoulderblock from the second rope that gets two. Armando Estrada badmouths Lashley, so he drags him in the ring and hits a running powerslam and tosses him over the top. Umaga is back up and he charges, but Lashley pulls the top rope down and Umaga lands right on the floor ass-first. You could actually see his ass jiggle when he hit. Is it a requirement for all wrestlers who are special referees to cut the sleeves off their ref shirts? Back inside, Lashley slugs away and tries a spear, but Umaga sidesteps him and Lashley goes flying through the ropes and to the floor. Two spots that are the same right in a row, huh? Umaga sends him back inside and hits a splash for two. Umaga chokes away and Austin doesn’t like that, so drags him off by his cornrows. Lashley fights back, but Umaga clotheslines him down hard and Vince likes what he see. Umaga drops his ass on Lashley’s face not once, but twice and the crowd isn’t really into this one. Maybe they should have picked some better wrestlers. Lashley fights back, but runs into a Samoan drop. Lashley tries to bodyslam Umaga, but that’s not a good idea and Umaga falls on top of him for two. Vince gets on the apron to show his support, but Lashley runs into the ropes and Vince tumbles to the floor as Umaga takes down Bobby in the ring. Vince is wearing a POWER suit. Umaga heads up top but takes too long and Lashley throws him off, and then clotheslines him down as Umaga works in the 360 sell for the double-KO. Austin gets to nine on his count, but then stops just because he can and just because he doesn’t want the match ending in a count out. This causes Shane-O-Mac to come out and check on Vince, while Umaga slugs Bobby down. The fat Samoan guy chokes away in the corner again, not learning his lesson yet, so Austin sticks a finger in his eye and drags him off. Umaga has had enough and drives the Samoan Spike into Austin’s neck and Shane McMahon comes in and he looks like he’s wearing a velvet suit coat, but I could be wrong. Shane starts hammering away on Lashley, but gets caught in a belly-to-belly, but Umaga saves him from death and drives his big ass into Lashley’s face.

What makes this worse is that Lashley enjoys the smell

Vince retrieves a garbage can from underneath the ring and Shane goes to the other corner and hits the VAN TERMINATOR! They’ve never really acknowledged that they stole that from RVD.

It’s cool, dude

Shane takes his shirt off and has the EVIL referee outfit underneath. How would you like if they had this rule in the NFL? What if the Steelers were winning the Super Bowl with like 5 minutes left, but Tom Brady hit the referee with a steel chair, took his clothes off and he had a referee’s shirt on underneath it and therefore was in charge the rest of the game? That’s an idea I think they need to consider. Umaga heads up top and hits a big splash off the top but it only gets two because Austin has recovered and just beats the hell out of Shane. Austin comes back in and walks right into another Samoan Spike to take him out again. Vince badmouths Austin, but Trump comes out of nowhere and BEATS DOWN MCMAHON. Umaga tries for another Samoan Spike on Austin, but this time he ducks and is a Stunner for Umaga while Lashley comes off the ropes and nails a spear for the one-two-three.

Winner: Bobby Lashley

-Vince’s facial expressions are still the best in the business. Shane tries to save his father from Austin, but takes a Stunner for his trouble while Vince tries to crawl away Lashley sees him at the last second though and drags him back into the chair. Hilarity ensues.

He still has more money than you

-Anytime a hair vs. hair match happens I’m always reminded about Jim Cornette awhile back, when the electric razor didn’t work so they had to shave Jimmy’s head bald with a dry, disposable razor.

-Whether you think it’s stupid or not, Trump was a really good sport for this whole thing, he even takes the WORST stunner ever, but the effort was there. The match itself wasn’t anything great, it was just Russo-like with all the run-ins and ref bumps and all that. The whole mess gets *1/2 for nothing special

-Recap of Carlito and Ric Flair beating Gregory Helms and Chavo Guererro before Mania went on the air.

Lumberjill match for WWE Women’s Championship

Melina vs. Ashley

My God this is going to be terrible. Why can’t they just walk out in their slutty outfits, take a lap around the ring, and leave. That’s all I’m asking. And by the way, I’m not buying Ashley’s whole “punk image” thing, I think she’s full of shit. Catfight to start and Melina tries to roll outside but they toss her back in and Ashley rolls her up for two. Melina chokes her with a boot in the corner, but Ashley reverses and chokes her out. Melina comes back and chokes her on the top rope, then a big swing for two. Yawn. I love it how basically all of the women’s wrestling moves are meant to show off their cleavage or their asses. What a joke. Melina gets a bow and arrow, but Ashley comes back with somewhat of a hurricanrana then whips her into the corner. Ashley monkey flips her out, but misses an elbow drop from the top which had no chance of hitting anyway; Melina gets two off of that. Off the ropes, Ashley tries a schoolboy rollup, but Melina rolls through to show off Ashley’s ass and gets the pin.

Winner and STILL champion: Melina

Phantom of Ford Field = Disgusted

-You really have to ask? The match sucked. DUD. Next please.

-Votes from the fans are much closer on who is going to win the Cena-HBK match, but at this point I think Vince would put Cena over Patrick Swayze from Roadhouse just to get him over.

Hey, you got a problem with that?

-Recap video, of course, showing how Shawn became the number one contender, with Michaels playing a pretty sweet character leading up to Mania. He always turns the charisma on before a big match, you can count on that. Buildup was Shawn showing Cena he could have kicked him in the head at any time, but he waited until they were in a tag match together to do it.

WWE World Championship

John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels

You know, somehow the whole DX image doesn’t fit a 40 year old born-again Christian in my eyes, call me crazy. They do a ridiculously pre-taped entrance with Cena, complete with a Mustang breaking through glass to drive John to the ring. Over the top a little, eh?

Was the glass really necessary?

You know, in situations like this, I think they really should take a page out of ECW’s book and do the introductions in the ring. I always thought that gave a match a sort of “big fight” atmosphere. Anyways, crowd is definitely divided on this one, but really, how do you boo Shawn Michaels? Shawn and Cena are actually the World Tag Team Champions at this time as well. Shawn slaps Cena just to piss him off, and then slugs him down to assert his dominance. Shawn looks like he fell asleep in a tanning booth. They trade hammerlocks and Cena swings wildly, so Shawn just ducks and moves, then chops him down and lays the trash talk on. OH IT’S ON NOW BITCH. Shawn politely informs Cena his chest is getting red, and that’s why he’s awesome. Shawn works the arm and grabs a headlock, and he is just taking Cena to wrestling school early on. Shawn finally gets caught coming off the ropes with a big clothesline, and the crowd really doesn’t like that one. Shawn charges again but takes a shoulderblock, but rebounds with a takedown and he hammers again. HBK gets dumped to the apron then he grabs Cena by the head and tosses him to the floor. HARD chop by Shawn and an enzugri has Cena dazed against the table, and HBK busts out an Asai Moonsault onto the table in a nice spot.

Shawn with a sweet moonsault, Tazz is not impressed

Shawn tosses him back into the ring and offers Cena a heaping helping of chops, and they are STINGING. Damn, Shawn. Cena tries to lift a leg on a blind charge, but Shawn catches it and drives a forearm into Cena’s kneecap. Now Shawn smells blood and just kicks the shit out of his leg, and even wraps it around the steel post. HBK viciously chop blocks Cena’s leg, then drops a knee on it for good measure. Choppy-choppy and a kick to the leg has Cena hurting, and Cena swings wildly again so Shawn chops the leg one more time. Shawn is just badmouthing Cena every step of the way here, so you know he’s eventually gonna die. Cena fights back from the corner and that “yay”-“boo” thing starts again. I’ll never understand that. Cena fight backs, but Shawn spears him in the corner to make sure he knows his role. Cena fights back again and Shawn’s chops are ECHOING through the arena, but Cena drops HBK with a right hand. Shawn tries the spear in the corner again, but Cena ducks out of the corner and Shawn busts himself open on the post. Cena sees the blood and just takes Shawn’s head off with a clothesline, then mounts him and pounds away. A pair of shoulderblocks for Cena sets up a suplex and apparently Shawn can’t see Cena. John hits his People’s Elbow rip-off, the Five-Knuckle Shuffle, and that sets up an attempted FU, but Shawn fights out of it. Cena whips Shawn head over heels into the corner, but HBK ducks a clothesline before accidentally superkicking the referee. Mistakes happen.

Pussy

Cena tries for a FU, but Shawn reverses to a DDT in mid-air for the double KO. I can’t believe Shawn made his debut at WrestleMania V…God, I’m getting old. Shawn is pissed off now so he pulls Cena outside and just SPIKES Cena with a piledriver on the steel steps, damn that looked nasty, but nasty in a good way. HBK drags Cena’s limp body into the ring and the top of Cena’s head is bleeding…Cena is DEAD. Another referee runs down, but by then Shawn only gets two to the delight of half the crowd. I’ll have to look back, but I really think that’s the first two-count we’ve had all match. Off the ropes Shawn hits a flying forearm and kips up and he’s in full heel mode right now. Flying elbow drop from Shawn has him tuning up the band to play a special song for Cena.

Macho approves

Shawn tries for Sweet Chin Music, but Cena clotheslines him a split second before he can unleash the kick and we are back to the double-KO. They trade shots back and forth and Shawn gets caught in the FU again, but Shawn reverses one more time to a rollup for two. Shawn gets caught in a leapfrog and Cena FINALLY hits the FU, but he’s too out of it to make a cover and by the time he crawls over it only gets a two count. Shawn gets propped up onto the top and Cena pounds away and tries for an FU from the top, but HBK fights out of it and drops Cena to the mat. Michaels comes off the top with a high cross body, but Cena rolls through and just POWERS him up into an FU. This time Cena gets the release but Shawn lands ON HIS FEET in an awesome athletic display, but misses a Sweet Chin Music on the counter and trips into the STFU. Shawn keeps kicking him off and even gets a rollup for two and HBK is a WRESTLING MACHINE tonight! Shawn tries for an enzugri, but Cena ducks and locks in the STFU, but Shawn finally fights to the ropes. The referee inserts himself and drags Cena off of him, allowing Shawn to recover and nail John with Sweet Chin Music for another LONG two count. I’m FEELIN’ this match. Double-KO leads to both wrestlers using each other to pull themselves up and that’s just cool spot right there. Cena recovers first and tries an FU, Shawn fights out, but gets caught in the STFU again, and this time it’s in the middle of the ring. Cena just CRANKS it on, and Shawn has no choice but to FINALLY tap out.

Winner and STILL Champion: John Cena

-The story of the match was the best way to go, with Shawn outwrestling Cena at every single turn, but Cena kept fighting back until he caught Shawn one last time and Shawn had no choice but to tap. This is a match that I liked even more after watching it twice, and while Shawn definitely carried the match, Cena held his own. They had a great technical match with some good brawling spots mixed in, and you can’t really ask for more than this for a WrestleMania main event. This one is a solid **** match, and definitely worthy of the main event slot.

Cena shows how much he has desecrated the title held by Flair, Hogan, Hart, and Austin

-Honestly, with only 2 glaring holes (Khali-Kane and the women’s match) this is a solid card from top to bottom. The Money in the Bank had the car wreck, ECW-style garbage wrestling. The WWECW match wasn’t anything terrible. The Vince-Trump thing had the Russo run-ins, ridiculous angle and Trump taking a stunner. MVP-Benoit was just a wrestling exhibition that should have had notes taken on it. Batista and the Undertaker put on a hell of a match, for them, and actually had me INTO it, which is something I never thought they could do. The main event…well, it’s the main event of WrestleMania, which you usually can’t go wrong with and this match is no exception. I would definitely add this one to your collection.

-Oh by the way, the Special Edition of this DVD has like 9 hours of special features, including the Hall of Fame ceremony, but there’s no way I’m reviewing that whole thing. I came here to write a column, not the wrestling version of War and Peace.

Go Steelers

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