Review of WWE WrestleMania 22

-So sorry about the unexpected absence, I’m sure all 6 of you that read this column really really REALLY missed it. The holidays are hectic as usual, but I’m also planning a wedding for December 22^nd, so you can imagine how that is. However, I am never too busy for a couple bad jokes at someone else’s expenses, so ON WITH THE SHOW!!

--So I did the 23^rd version last time, so it’s only natural that we go to the 22^nd version.

-Michelle Williams is here to sing the National Anthem, and apparently she was in Destiny’s Child. I have no idea who she is, nor do I care to know. Only Vince McMahon could work in a shot of a woman in lingerie into a National Anthem. I firmly believe wrestling crowds are the easiest ones to get to chant “USA! USA!”

-Recap video of previous WrestleManias set to the tune of “I Dare You” by Shinedown, which is seriously an underrated song that goes through my playlist quite a bit.

-On the flip side, “Big Time” by Peter Gabriel (which is YOUR theme of the night) is an absolutely terrible song that makes me yearn for the sweet embrace of death.

-We are, of course, LIVE from Chicago, IL and your announcers will change, and so will my mood with them. JR has returned after being replaced for awhile with Joey Styles, before WWECW made its long-awaited and completely disappointing return.

World Tag Team Titles

Kane and Big Show vs. Carlito and Chris Masters

Kane and Big Show are the dominant tag team of the month until the writers couldn’t figure out what to do with them after they were built up to be invincible, so they of course split them up later. Didn’t use the two aging superstars to put a new team over though, no sir, that would of required one of them to get…gasp…PINNED! How could I even think of that? WWE shows some effort by at least combining their themes for the hell of it. Kane and Masters start it off and JR reminds us that this is the first time since WM 15 that the tag title has been defended in a traditional way. Oh my God, that’s pathetic. Masters takes Kane down, but runs into a dropkick then takes a headbutt from Big Show. Show follows up by smacking the living hell out of Masters’ chest, which is just brutal. Couldn’t pay me enough, I swear. Show walks on Masters because he’s fat, and Carlito tags in and tries to work the arm. Show reminds Carlito that he is big and Carlito is small by picking him up and crotching him on the top rope. Crowd actually chants for Carlito for a few seconds before he is destroyed.

Pacino is disappointed

Show press slams Masters, and then dumps Carlito outside on top of him. Kane heads up top in the meantime and I guess it was supposed to be a double clothesline, but hey whatever. Show drags Carlito in by his hair, but gets dropkicked in his knee and double flapjacked for a two count. Face in peril segment, but call me nuts, I don’t think it’s going to last long. As I expected, Show gets a double suplex on both Carlito and Masters and then gets the lukewarm tag to Kane. Token hot tag offense and Kane gets a 10-punch on Carlito and a sidewalk slam. The Big Bald Machine heads up top again, but Masters catches him in the Masterlock before Big Show comes in and kicks him in the face. He drew a mixed reaction with that one. Snake eyes sends Masters into the corner while Carlito hits the Back Stabber on Kane. Masters throws in a chop block on Show for good measure, but Kane sits up because Carlito’s mid-card finisher cannot harm the BIG RED MACHINE! Yawn. Kane beats both challengers up as the whole concept of a “legal man” has gone out the window a long time ago. Masters comes off the top but hits Carlito by mistake which leads to a chokeslam and that’s all she wrote.

Winners and STILL Champions: Kane and The Big Show

-Not exactly the most exciting opener in the world, as it was basically just a big mess of a match with the challengers having no chance whatsoever. * for really nothing of interest.

-Post-match, Carlito cries about Masters screwing up.

Boo freakin’ hoo hoo

-Backstage, the Coach (getting nice heel heat) interviews Shawn Michaels, who promises to kick Vince’s ass, yeah nothing too great.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match

Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Finlay vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Ric Flair

One of these things is WOOOOO not like the other. Winner, of course, gets a shot at the World Title whenever they feel like it. Shelton is the IC Champion, which shows how respected this title is at this time, it doesn’t even get a match. The announcers give the verbal suck-off to Lashley as the monster push continues. Big brawl to start of course, as the crowd proclaims that it prefers RVD. Lashley dominates to start, slamming Flair but taking a stiff kick to the head from Shelton. RVD baseball slides a ladder into Matt then flies over the top with a cross body while Matt holds the ladder. In the ring, Shelton beats the hell out of Finlay with a ladder and then sets it at an angle against the ropes, runs up it like a ramp, and launches with a 360 senton onto everyone outside. That’s an awesome spot.

Flair is impressed

Flair and Hardy fight on top of the ladder back inside the ring and Matt suplexes Flair right off the top of the ladder in a spot that’s nasty for all the wrong reasons. Flair shouldn’t be taking those bumps at this point. JR reminds everyone that Flair broke his back 30 years ago, but COME ON. I’m all for selling a previous injury, but a 30 YEAR OLD BACK INJURY? Flair gets carried out and is selling a knee injury. Meanwhile, Shelton hits the ladder, but RVD misses Rolling Thunder and only hits ladder, and that one looked like it hurt.

“BOOM! Hope you got those ladders at ACE Hardware!”

Lashley takes advantage and does the slow climb, allowing Shelton to climb up the other side and slug it out. Shelton shows why he should be World Champion TOMORROW by busting out a sunset flip OVER the ladder and powerbombing Lashley. How is this man not main eventing EVERY SINGLE MONDAY?!? It boggles my mind. Matt sets a ladder on top of Finlay in the corner, but gets it tossed in his face for his troubles, nice loud smacking sound on that one. Finlay plays with the ladders while Ric Flair makes his return and chops Finlay on the outside, so I guess the knee is feeling better. Flair tries for the briefcase again, but Hardy and Shelton interrupt him. He chops them and fights them off as much as he can, but Finlay nails Flair with his shillelagh (I’m just calling it a club from now on, I’m even Irish and don’t know how to spell it) and Ric goes falling backwards. Shelton comes back up the other side of the ladder and slugs away with Finlay, so Lashley rams the ladder with another ladder to knock them off, and this a Dominator on Shelton. Lashley tries for the case, but RVD comes out of nowhere and dropkicks a ladder into Lashley’s back, sending him to the mat. Matt takes advantage and hits the Screaming Legdrop off a ladder in the corner on top of Lashley. Matt gets a hand on the case, but Finlay interrupts him by climbing the same side of the ladder but Hardy hits a Side Effect off the ladder. RVD climbs the ladder in the corner and hits a splash onto Finlay, drawing an ECW chant. RVD tries for the ladder but Shelton SPRINGBOARDS ONTO THE LADDER and hammers away. I worship at the altar of Shelton F. Benjamin.

Call off the search, we have our WrestleMania MVP

Matt sets a ladder up next to those two and tries to sneak in the backdoor, but Shelton moves to Hardy’s ladder and fights both of them at the same time. RVD finally shakes the cobwebs though and shoves over the ladder, sending Matt and Shelton to the floor. That’s finally enough and RVD is Mr. Money in the Bank.

Winner: Rob Van Dam

-While I always appreciate people falling from high distances, I can’t honestly say this was a blow away ladder match. I mean, it was pretty good, had some nice spots, and at the time I was marking out for RVD. But, in hindsight, it’s a *** match, with half of that rating going to Shelton Benjamin because he changed my life with that springboard ladder leap.

-Backstage, Josh Matthews has “Mean” Gene Okerlund, who is interrupted by Randy Orton. Orton’s shirt is pretty much an exact replica of the nWo Wolfpack shirt. Batista stops by to say hello who reminds Randy that no matter if he wins, he would just be holding it until Batista can win it back.

-Howard Finkle introduces the Hall of Fame class: Okerlund, Sensational Sherri, Tony Atlas, Verne Gagne, William Perry (as big as an RV and a joke), the Blackjacks, Eddie Guerrero, and of course Bret Hart.

-It’s hard to argue with that class, except that Perry is a walking punchline and doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as Bret Hart and Eddie. Krystal, who escorted the inductees, was sporting some cleavage that was seriously a 5.4 on the Pop Out scale.

WWE United States Championship

Chris Benoit vs. JBL

JBL is accompanied to the ring by Jillian Hall, and are you ready for a picture that will change your life? Check out what a boob job and WWE’s marketing machine will do to a normal looking young wrestling wannabe girl:

Meet the former Jillian Hall

Holy crap

Don’t believe me? Google Macaela Mercedes (her ring name in GLORY) and see for yourself. Damn, that hair dye job alone had to cost thousands. Oh yeah, the match. They trade rights in the corner to start and JBL grabs a headlock, then shoulderblocks Benoit down. He tries to do the same thing again, but Benoit catches him with a drop toe hold and tries for the Crossface early. This, of course, never works, but you can’t tell Benoit that. Chris headbutts the shit out of JBL’s neck, but Bradshaw counters and grabs a headlock again. Benoit reverses and pounds JBL’s neck again before chopping away in the corner. JBL hits the corner and Benoit catches him with a hiptoss and tries a Sharpshooter, but gets kicked off. JBL rolls to the outside and hides behind Jillian. Benoit doesn’t deck her because he’s afraid he’ll hurt his hand on all that silicon and bleach. Back inside, JBL takes over and pounds away in the corner. JBL is dragging this match down so much at this point, it’s not even funny. JBL misses a blind charge to the corner and Chris hits the triple German suplexes and tries to go up top, but JBL shakes the ropes and crotches Benoit. Always the class-act of the room, JBL mocks Eddie Guerrero to piss on his grave even more and then hits a superplex for a two count. More mocking of Eddie, and he decides to hit Benoit with the Three Amigos suplexes and hits a big boot for two.

Dick

Bradshaw goes deep into his moveset and grabs a chinlock, and even Benoit can’t raise this crap to acceptable wrestling. Benoit tries though and hits a back suplex and decides to try his version of the Three Amigos, which gets a slightly better response than the last three. Chris hits the diving headbutt, but it only gets two. Benoit misses a blind charge to the corner and JBL tries for the Clothesline From Hell, but Benoit ducks it and grabs him for a german suplex. JBL uses the referee’s shirt to hold on, then tries the Clothesline one more time and gets caught in the Crippler Crossface. JBL rolls him over though and grabs the ropes for the three count.

Winner and NEW Champion: JBL

-Match was boring, had a cheap ending, and was dragged down by JBL * and move on.

Front Row tickets at WrestleMania: $2000

-Recap video of Edge/Foley feud, and if this were in ECW I think they would have shit themselves with the awesomeness of this angle. However, it was done on WWE fans that cheer when John Cena salutes, so guess what? It wasn’t a smash hit.

Hardcore Match

Edge vs. Mick Foley

Joey Styles steps in to do commentary on this one. I know she’s a total skank and I wouldn’t touch her with a stolen dick, but Lita had to be one of the hottest women in the world at this point. Foley comes out with his flannel shirt buttoned, so you know something’s up.

[wwe+lita.jpg]

She could spit in a Petri dish and start a whole new civilization

Edge has a bat to start things off, but Mick quickly unequips him and gets a facebuster before tying Edge up into the Tree of Woe. Edge comes back with a boot and an elbow and Lita throws him a cookie sheet, which is always a good OHHHH moment. Edge tees off with the cookie sheet, and then drives a road sign into Mick’s head with a dropkick. Edge tries for a spear already, but Foley opens up his shirt at the last second and reveals he had wrapped himself in barbwire before the match. Foley then WHIPS Edge with the barbwire in a sick spot, that’s just nasty. Foley grinds the wire into Edge’s arm and then ties him in the ropes and finds a barbwire baseball bat. Lita jumps on his back, so Mick uses the Cactus Clothesline to take both of them out of the ring and get a two count. A swinging neckbreaker gets another two, and Foley hammers away on Edge against the step. Foley charges, but Edge hiptosses Foley and his back slams into the steps hard. Edge whips Mick HARD into the steel steps in a very visually impressive bump from Foley. I don’t know how this man walks.

Bring it

Edge looks for some plunder under the ring and finds a table, which he sets up on the floor right next to the apron. Edge sets Foley on the table, but Mick rolls off and instead gets whipped backwards and his head SLAMS against the steel entrance ramp. Back inside, Edge busts out the lighter fluid and SPRAYS FOLEY DOWN, yikes. This pisses Mick off and he PLANTS Edge with a piledriver for two. Foley puts Edge’s head on top of a cookie sheet and tries for a conchairto, but Lita interrupts against, allowing Edge to DDT Mick on the cookie sheet for two. Now Edge has the barbwire baseball bat and whacks Foley with it, then drives it into his skull to bust Foley open. You get the “grind barb wire into face” spot that always makes me squirm a little. Facebuster onto the barbwire bat gets two and Edge is getting frustrated. Edge goes underneath the steps and finds A LOT of thumbtacks, which is never good news for anyone involved. Edge tries another facebuster, but gets backdropped on the tacks WITH NO SHIRT ON! This man is insane. Foley gets Mr. Socko, but makes it hardcore by wrapping the sock in barbwire and stuffing it in Edge’s throat. Lita comes in and gets the barbwire in her mouth too. SHE’S HARDCORE! SHE’S HARDCORE! Foley is wearing the crimson mask and gets ahold of the barbwire bat and buries in into the gut of Edge. Mick drives it into Edge’s head and now it’s his turn to bleed. Foley drops the bat onto Edge’s face and gets a well-deserved reception from the crowd. Mick snags the lighter fluid and sprays a lot onto that table at ringside, but Lita nails him in the balls with the barbwire bat, while Mick’s on the apron and she lights the table on fire! Edge comes off and spears Mick through the ropes ONTO the flaming table, OH MY GOD!

Kid in the front row with cameo t-shirt = Stunned

That’s more than enough to get the pin, and the match is finally over.

Winner: Edge

-Foley is an absolute madman for taking that bump, and Edge is even crazier for doing all of that with NO SHIRT on. Are you kidding me? I have to give that ***1/2 for pure guts and an absolutely brutal match. Even sicker, the blood runs into Edge’s eye as he kneels in the aisle, turning the entire thing completely red. Mick gets the standing ovation on the way out, and he deserves it.

-Backstage, Booker T is with Sharmell, who is freaking out about Boogieman and asks why all the freaks follow Booker around. They run into Paul Burchill (the pirate of course), if you don’t remember him, you didn’t miss anything. But then it’s MARK OUT CITY as Eugene and Ted DiBiase are reenacting the famous “Bounce the Ball for Money” angle. Here is the video if you have never seen it, one of the all time great wrestling segments.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=nwoQ2b3k8Uo

-Best…evil…laugh…ever. Then, in a sight I really didn’t need to see, Snitsky is licking Mae Young’s feet and I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Finally, Goldust stops by to visit his old friend, who I think tells Booker to shove worms up his ass. Snitsky lets everyone know it’s not his fault.

-Todd Grisham is with two broads who I don’t care about.

-Joe Theismann is there, and he’s still the worst announcer ever.

Booker T and Sharmell vs. Boogeyman

Who the hell sits at Titan Tower and comes up with shit like the Boogieman and gets paid for it? Do they seriously see this guy main eventing WrestleMania one day? Or even winning a title of some sort? Damn, this stuff makes my head hurt. His hometown is even the f’n Bottomless Pit. That’s worse than Parts Unknown. Booker runs away as the match starts and lets Sharmell start, but he jumps Boogie from behind and hammers away in the corner. You can’t even see anything with all that smoke in the ring. Side kick gets two for Booker and he chokes him out on the bottom rope. Booker keeps up with the punching and the crowd is growing restless as apparently Boogie is Hulking up. Boogie takes a swing, but Booker catches him with the Book End for two. Boogeyman comes back with some pushes (?) I guess, and Booker misses the axe kick and walks into a forearm. Boogie whips him into the post in the corner, and then hits his big move…he eats worms. Sharmell tries to hit Boogie with his own stick, but she gets caught and Boogieman kisses her with the worms in his mouth. Gross. Booker misses a charge in all this crap, and the double-handed chokeslam gets the pin.

Winner: The Boogeyman

Johnny Cash did not like that match

-That match sucked, DUD.

-Recap video of Trish/Mickie James feud. This was actually kind entertaining with the whole “Single White Female” angle.

Entire Male Population = Stunned

WWE Women’s Championship

Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James

They lockup to start and Trish gets pissed and slugs her down, even getting a Thesz Press to hammer away. Trish beats on her in the corner and hits a nice sounding chop, which is rare for a women’s match. Trish catches one of Mickie’s kicks and yanks her into a split, OUCH. Mickie rolls to the apron to get some air, but Trish bootkicks her off and follows to the floor. She gets a little too aggressive though and Trish kicks the post by mistake. Mickie wraps Trish’s leg around the post and a dropkick to the knee sends Trish back to the mat. Mickie drives Trish’s leg into a mat for two and the crowd is chanting for Mickie (?!?!). Mickie stays on the knee and she channels Lance Store and locks on a single leg crab, which eventually gets two. Mickie wraps Trish’s leg in the ropes and then jumps on it in a nice looking move. Another leglock gets two, but Trish gets a spinning hurricanrana to get out of it and the crowd is booing for some reason, even King and JR can’t ignore it.

Absolutely no reason for this picture at all

Trish mounts a comeback and hits a weak-looking clothesline and a spinebuster gets two. JR basically says the crowd is just being difficult. Trish tries a splash in the corner, but Mickie catches her with both feet. Mickie goes up top, and gets caught with the handstand hurricanrana, but Mickie blocks it and drops Trish’s leg over the top rope for two. Trish rolls Mickie up out of nowhere for two and Mickie tries a hurricanrana, but Trish counters with a powerbomb for two. Trish comes back with right hands, and matrix-ducks a move off the ropes and tries for Stratusfaction. Now, here Mickie just rubs her hand in Trish’s crotch, but on the live PPV after she did that she LICKED HER HAND. Wow. Trish doesn’t like this, but gets caught with a kick to the face, and then Mickie hits her own version of the Chick Kick for the win.

Winner and NEW Champion: Mickie James

-Interesting, the match really wasn’t all that bad, but the ending came out of nowhere. I’m going to give it **1/4 for some good moves from Mickie.

-Backstage, Vince is with the whole McMahon clan and wants to have a family prayer. Hilarity ensues.

Casket Match

The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry

Did anyone REALLY think Mark freakin’ Henry was going to end the winning streak? Henry gets absolutely no reaction on the way out. Do you think the druids look forward to WrestleMania, I mean they know they are going to get called? I don’t think there’s a huge market for druids elsewhere, so I’m sure they love it.

Taker lured Yoko in with promises of pudding

Mark Henry attacks as soon as Taker turns his back and he slugs away in the corner. Irish whip, but Henry misses a blind charge and takes a pair of clotheslines of the ropes. Taker can’t knock Henry over so he tries a third time, but Henry hits a clothesline and still no one cares. Henry tries to jump on Taker while he’s draped on the 2^nd rope, but he falls out of the ring and has to act like he meant to do it. Taker comes back and bounces Mark’s head off the steps, but Henry reverses and does the same. Back inside, Henry chokes Taker out on the mat but Taker fights back and tries for (very) Old School, but Henry counters.

“Have you seen the one guy? He’s like 90!”

Henry tries to put Taker in the casket for the first time, but since he didn’t actually do a MOVE beforehand, it doesn’t work. Henry misses a blind charge and Taker starts working the left arm, and yes for all those who care, he does finally hit Old School. Taker tries a Downward Spiral, but Henry counters and slams Taker to the mat. Crowd lets Henry know he sucks, and not in a good way. Henry tries jumping on Taker again, but he falls into the casket and Taker joins him and they brawl. Taker grabs Mark by the throat and he slugs away in the casket. Back in the ring, UT gets caught off the ropes with a front slam, and Henry goes for a cover like a total moron. So he’s a terrible wrestler and he’s dumb…awesome. Henry rolls Taker into the casket, but he pops up and drops Henry’s neck on the second rope. Mark Henry hits another clothesline and slugs away in the corner, then climbs up and tries a 10-punch but Taker powerbombs him out. It wasn’t really a Last Ride or a powerbomb, more just dumping Henry on his head. Mark gets tossed outside and UT flies with a plancha and he actually CLEARS the casket on the jump. Not bad. He still splatted on the floor because Henry couldn’t catch him. Back in the ring, it’s a Tombstone piledriver and that’s all.

Winner: The Undertaker

-What did you expect, it gets ½* for the plancha and that’s it.

-Recap video of the McMahon/Michaels feud, and was I the only one who thought the Spirit Squad were really good heels? Anyways, Vince made Shawn’s life a living hell and even inducted him into the Kiss My Ass Club.

No Holds Barred Match

Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon

Shawn jumps Vince as he is coming to the ring and chops the hell out of him on the outside of the ring and tosses him on top of JR and choking him with his headset chord. The crowd wants Bret. Microphone to the face sends McMahon to the floor and Shawn breaks Vince’s Muscle and Fitness famed cover over his head.

If I had PhotoShop, I would have put little birdies around his head

Shawn mocks Vince and HERE COMES THE SPIRIT SQUAD. They give Shawn the Alley Oop slam and it gets NICE height on it. Mitch scooting across the mat on his ass almost makes me spit my Miller Lite on the computer. Kenny heads up top, but he misses his big legdrop and now Shawn beats the shit out of everything with a megaphone.

That’s right baby, you do what you have to do daddy!

JR makes fun of the Spirit Squad for bringing a weapon that Shawn can use into the ring. Shawn LAUNCHES Kenny out of the ring on the top of the rest of the cheerleaders, but Vince has finally recovered and clotheslines Shawn down. He chokes Shawn out in the corner and then whips him with his belt, just because he’s a dick. The crowd brings Shawn back to life, but Vince clotheslines him with the belt, then mocks Shawn. Vince is so over the top it’s almost impossible to hate him in any way. Vince tries for his own version of Sweet Chin Music (Sweet Dimpled-Chin Music?), but the kick is piss-poor and Shawn catches it and kicks his ass. Forearm off the ropes leads to a Shawn Michaels kip-up, and he WHACKS McMahon with the belt. Holy God, that looks like it hurts. HBK goes up to the top and comes down with a flying elbow and tries for Sweet Chin Music, but Shane comes out of nowhere and cracks Shawn with a Singapore cane. Shane-O-Mac busts out the handcuffs to really get the party started as Vince pulls down his pants.

Dude, that was gay.

I know it sounded bad, but it made sense in the context of the storyline. Dammit, nevermind. Anyways, Vince wants Shawn to kiss his ass, but HBK counters while Vince is busy and Shane is the one who tastes Vince’s 60 year old ass. How did he talk him into that one? I’m convinced Vince is batshit insane, but I was hoping his kids weren’t AS bad. Low blow for Vince and a clothesline over the top for Shane before HBK handcuffs him to the bottom rope. Shawn makes Shane think about it before he canes the living hell out of him, and the crowd approves. Shawn gets a chair and just DESTROYS Vince with it, he freaking dented the chair. Shawn thinks about hitting Vinnie Mac with Sweet Chin Music, but he stops himself and goes out to get a ladder. He runs the ladder into Vince’s face, and McMahon has a pretty decent blade job going. HBK stops himself doing Chin Music yet again, and now retreats to the outside and gets a whole bunch of garbage cans.

At least we know what Duke’s job was that night

Shawn even throws in a table for good luck. Garbage can shot sends Vince to the mat again, and now HBK sets up the table. He tosses Vince onto the table in the ring and heads up to the top of the ladder, but he stops himself yet again and busts out a Jeff Hardy-sized ladder. It’s legitimately about a 15 foot ladder, if not bigger. He stuffs Vince into the trash can, AND THEN puts him on the table, he climbs to the top of the huge ladder and a DX chop draws a HUGE pop, and he comes off with a BIG elbowdrop drawing a well-deserved “holy shit” chant. The medical staff tries to take Vince away, but Shawn fends them off and threatens to kick their asses if they touch Vince. They keep talking that Shawn has turned into the “old Shawn Michaels” which reminds me that the old Shawn Michaels used to kick ass. Basically it’s today’s version except with less Jesus and a whole lot more drugs, women, and offensive behavior. It ruled. Shawn stands Vince up and badmouths him before he finally hits the Sweet Chin Music to end the massacre.

Winner: Shawn Michaels

-As an exhibition of how much punishment Vince could take, it was very effective. The only problem was that it was so brutal that I actually started feeling kinda sorry for Vince, which is not good. It was kinda fun to watch, but it was only a ** match really.

-Video package announces WrestleMania 23 will be in Detroit, MI. I’ve already reviewed that one, have you read it yet? If not, I will fight you.

-On a side note, it’s annoying WWE splits up these events into 2 DVDs once they release them. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the video release of WrestleMania IV being split into 2 different VIDEO TAPES. It made trying to find 1 match to watch impossible.

-Recap of how they pushed Rey as the underdog all the way to WrestleMania. They even decide to include the classiest line in the business, when Orton told Rey that Eddie Guerrero was in hell. Honestly, how do these people sleep at night?

World Heavyweight Championship

Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio

I am always in favor of Kurt Angle suplexing the shit out of everyone and then pinning them while laughing. With the Rey/Orton feud being center stage, I knew going in that it wasn’t looking good for my fellow Pittsburgher. P.O.D., who I didn’t even know was still alive, sings Rey’s entrance theme while he comes out with a headdress that’s bigger than he is. It looks dumb. Just for the record, Kurt Angle got a bigger pop than Rey Mysterio, the supposed favorite in the match.

This picture was so awesome it made the photographer pregnant

Orton dumps Angle before the bell rings, and catches Rey in the middle of a springboard with a dropkick for a quick two count. Angle comes back and hits a German suplex on Orton. Orton tries a german on Rey, so Angle just grabs Orton while he is holding Rey and suplexes them BOTH. That, my friends, is why he is awesome. Orton comes back with a neckbreaker for two, but walks into a belly to belly suplex from Angle. Kurt perches Orton on the top, but Rey interrupts and rams Kurt’s head into Orton’s crotch. There are a lot of gay innuendos going on here tonight. Rey charges and Kurt throws him over his head and onto Orton’s shoulders, and Rey gets a hurricanrana off of that. Two very nice spots early. Angle chucks Rey out of the ring and gets a two count on Randy. Suplex by Angle gets two. Kurt then tries for an anklelock, but Rey interrupts and gets clotheslined for his troubles. Rey reverses a sunset flip to a kick to the face and that gets two. Judging from the crowd chants, it’s definitely mostly little kids cheering for Rey and the real men in the audience are rooting for Angle. Off the ropes, Rey gets a spinning hurricanrana, which leaves Angle in position for the 619. Rey gives it a shot, but Angle catches his feet and turns in into the anklelock in a pretty good reversal. Rey taps out, but Orton is distracting the referee with a chair, so he doesn’t see it. ANGLE SCREWED ANGLE!

Was also the ref at the Pitt-West Virginia game

Orton interrupts the Ankle Lock, but takes a german suplex and then an overhead german for Rey. Suplexes, you say? Have some more! Angle dumps Rey to the outside and locks the Ankle Lock onto Orton, then turns it into the dreaded heel hook submission. Now it’s Orton who is tapping out, but Rey is cheating and grabs the referee to prevent him from seeing it. So basically what has happened is: Angle has outwrestled both of them, he’s made them both submit, and he’s been screwed twice. Kurt is pissed so he boot Rey in the face and locks on the heel hook again, but Rey comes off the top rope with a legdrop for two on Angle. Whip to the turnbuckles and Angle ends up sending Rey shoulder-first into the post and to the outside. Angle pulls the straps down so you know IT’S ON NOW, BITCH! Crowd loves Angle. Orton reverses an Angle Slam into an RKO out of nowhere , but it only gets two.

I wonder if the tower does steroids too.

Orton decides to try his luck on the top rope, but that’s really dumb because Angle gets up and races to the top rope to suplex Orton across the ring. Angle is leaning against the turnbuckle and Rey tries to 619 him from the outside, but he slips off the post like a dolt, so he just kicks Angle in the face. Rey drops the dime and gets a two count. Orton is back up and gets rid of Angle, then hits a reverse neckbreaker for two. Orton does that weird “pushup waiting for the RKO” thing, but Angle ends it with a quick Angle Slam out of nowhere for a two count. Angle gets all intense, but an Angle Slam attempt on Rey is reversed into an arm drag to the outside. Dropkick for Orton and Rey connects to the 619, springboard hurricanrana gets the three.

Winner and NEW Champion: Rey Mysterio

-Even though I usually hate Triple Threat matches, I was really into this one. Some creative spots to open everything up and some near-falls to get the crowd going. *** for a really good match. It’s a shame that Rey would be a total and complete bust as champion.

-Post-match, Chavo and Eddie’s wife Vicki congratulate the new champ.

Newsflash: Vicki Guerrero is taller than YOUR World Heavyweight Champion

-Split screen of John Cena and Triple H. JR paints this as a working class vs. rich snob match, which is stupid because when was the last time HHH’s wealth and privileged upbringing was mentioned? Judging by the way THIS crowd has been acting all night, I’m going to predict a rough night for Mr. Cena. I can’t wait to hear JR and King’s excuses for why the crowd is booing Cena in the main event at WrestleMania. Actually he just made it, he said the crowd is “old school”. I think that just means they know what a good wrestler looks like.

Playboy Pillow Fight Match

Candice Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson

Are you kidding me? Talk about throwing a match out there to die.

The only thing Candice is good for

The only thing Idaho ever gave us worth anything

I hate recapping this garbage, so you’ll have to watch the tape if you want specifics. They are both wearing evening gowns for some reason and there is a bed in the ring. I think Frank Gotch won the World Title in 1930 in this kind of match. There’s a lot of terrible wrestling, clothes get torn off and Torrie wins with a rollup.

Winner: Torrie Wilson

-You like boobs? Look at them on the internet. This isn’t worth your time DUD.

-Recap of the press conference, nothing here at all.

WWE Championship

John Cena vs. HHH

As most people know, HHH comes out dressed like a barbarian king, but still has bottled water. Hey, barbarian warriors get thirsty too!

Aquafina! What all Barbarian Kings drink!

Weird moment as John Cena’s intro begins with a history lesson about Prohibition and Al Capone…interesting. It all leads to making John Cena a gangster. I think Vince confused gangster (which is what Al Capone and the Corleones were) and gangsta (New Jack). So an old 1930 car comes out with “gang members” and…hey! Is that CM Punk as one of the gangsters? If not, he looks just like him. Crowd boos the shit out of Cena when his music hits, gangster outfit or no gangster outfit.

The shorts really complete the outfit

I love it when they do the match introductions in the ring, always gives the “big fight” atmosphere. Lockup to start and HHH grabs a headlock and turns it into a hammerlock. HHH takes him down with a drop toe hold to prove he’s a better wrestler and the crowd approves. HHH gets a wristlock into a hammerlock and kicks Cena to the mat, HHH is being a dick and half the crowd loves it. A hostile “fuck you Cena” chant breaks out and the 15 year old girls in the crowd are powerless to stop it. HHH takes a whip into the corner and Cena tries an early FU, but HHH will have none of that and slugs him down. The crowd is doing that weird “YAY” “BOO” thing again. This is starting to get like that “WHAT?” thing that just won’t die (please let it, 7 years is more than enough of that crap). HHH gets a knee and tosses Cena to the outside, but he gets cocky and Cena comes back with right hands in the corner. Irish whip to the corner into a BAAAAACK body drop gets two. Cena runs HHH into 2 corners and hits a suplex for two. JR hates that people call Cena a bad wrestler, and just as he finishes talking about that, Cena grabs a chinlock (IRONY!)

JR can’t handle the truth

Crowd tells Cena he can’t wrestle. HHH gets out of it, but Cena stays on him with right hands and a whip to the corner sends Hunter head over heels over the top and out. Cena follows him out, but gets thumbed in the eye and tries a piledriver on the entranceway, but Cena back body drops out of it…at least it sounded good. Back inside Cena gets two and keeps slugging away, which is basically his only offensive maneuver at this point. Off the ropes HHH catches Cena with a high knee and hammers away with right hands of his own. Back to the floor and Cena gets whipped into the steel steps and is bleeding a little from his mouth. HHH rolls him back inside but only gets a two count, so he hits a suplex and a kneedrop for another two count. Cena fights back, but puts his head down and eats a facebuster and a clothesline for two. That was a damn hard clothesline too. Delayed neckbreaker gets another long two count for HHH and Cena fights back with more right hands. Like an idiot though, Cena puts his head down AGAIN and gets hit with a swinging neckbreaker for a two count. HHH keeps working on the neck with a neck vise and the crowd is even staying into the match during rest holds. That’s kind of impressive. Cena fights out of it, but runs into a sleeperhold. Cena finally fights to drive HHH into the corner and delivers a hard clothesline off the ropes. They trade right hands in the middle of the ring and Cena hits a clothesline into a powerslam. Cena dumps HHH to the mat and it’s the You Can’t See Me fist drop, but HHH pops up and hits a spinebuster for two. Cena comes back with a shoulderblock off the ropes, but he runs into a sleeperhold, only this time he reverses to a back suplex and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He tries an FU, but HHH avoids it so Cena locks on the STFU. HHH fights to the ropes to the delight of half of the crowd, and Cena lines him up for the FU but HHH slides behind him and shoves him into the referee in the corner. HHH then hits a low blow on both the referee and Cena at the same time…now that’s one knocked out referee. HHH mocks Cena with the DX chop and goes out to get the old reliable sledgehammer. Cena manages to fight HHH off for a few seconds, but he gets blasted in the face and the ref…slowly…crawls…over…for…two of course. Hunter tries for a Pedigree, but gets back dropped and Cena hits the FU, but it only gets two. Cena goes up top and misses a cross body and Hunter tries for the Pedigree, but gets reversed into the STFU. HHH does the old school “lift the arm 3 times to check” spot and he tries to will himself to get the ropes, but he can’t break the hold and finally taps out.

Winner and STILL Champion: John Cena

-The John Cena Monster Super Gigantic Push continues and it wasn’t a bad match, but it wasn’t an amazing match either. It was a pretty damn good match that was made better by the crowd being constantly in it no matter what was happening. *** for a good showing from both.

-Well, can’t say this one was a blow away WrestleMania. There were 3 throwaway matches in the UT/Henry, Playboy match, and Booker/Boogeyman match. JBL/Benoit was a disappointment, and so was the Tag Title match. On the other hand, Edge and Mick totally destroyed each other, the Money in the Bank is always good for a view, and the last 2 matches certainly delivered. This is a good card to watch on DVD and fast forward through the bad parts.

Big game this week, Tom Brady must die

Go Steelers

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