Review of WWE WrestleMania 22

-Let the record show that this is the WWE edited version of the PPV, because trying to buy original ECW stuff right now costs an arm and a leg, and I’m more willing to just tape the stuff off of 24/7. Therefore we probably miss out on a few things, but I think you’ll deal…you guys are tough right?

-****DISCLAIMER OF DOOM!!!~**** WWE likes to edit stuff, but they left most of the swearing from the crowd in, and I will recap it. I know that I never edit myself anyways, but I’m throwing this in for the hell of it. I will swear, I will curse, I will tell you what people say, shit, fuck, shit, damn, hell. Prepared now? Awesome.

-Welcome to ECW’s very first pay-per-view from 1997. Yes, this was the one thing that all of us ECW fans had been waiting for, and something that we all thought would land the coveted weekly TV show (oh, we were so stupid back then). But seriously, this was a big deal back in the day, it seemed like ECW was becoming mainstream and would soon be the #2 promotion behind whoever came out ahead of the Monday Night War. Extreme Championship Wrestling wanted to make an impact, and let’s take a walk down memory lane and see if they succeeded…

-Live shot of Joey Styles in the ring with a massive “ECW” chant rocking the house. We are of course live from the “world famous” ECW Arena in Philadelphia, PA. Joey starts to go over the match we will see tonight, but the entire Dudley clan interrupts. Our first “Fuck you D-Von” chant of the night greets them, and he thinks that telling them to shut up will help. But, either way it is now time to TESTIFY! (Cue opening graphic)

Bring it

-I’m glad they left the Harry Slash and the Slashtones music in for the opening montage, that crap they play on the 24/7 opening is downright embarrassing.

-Back to the ring, the quintessential stud-muffin Joel Gertner lets us know that it’s our pleasure to gaze on the Dudley’s tonight. Honestly, you could make a case for them being the best tag team of all time.

ECW World Tag Team Titles

The Dudleys vs. The Eliminators

The Eliminators are sporting matching pink trunks tonight, which I guess shows they are very comfortable in their manhood. (Note to readers: if you try to do a Google image search for “barely legal” I cannot be held responsible for what you find. You have been warned. Thank you and have a good day.) Sign Guy Dudley tries to attack the Eliminators from behind, but he’s an idiot and takes Total Elimination. The Dudleys comes back in to attack and Bubba hits an MF’er powerbomb and D-Von comes off with a headbutt for two. Tilt-a-whirl slam by Bubba and a splash from D-Von gets another two count on Saturn. Now it’s Kronus’ turn to get double teamed as the Dudleys hit him with a suplex-cross body combination for two. Saturn ducks a double clothesline and manages to dropkick both Dudleys, but he walks in to a sidewalk slam from Bubba. The Dudleys try the 3D, but Saturn breaks it up and the Eliminators hit D-Von with some roundhouse kicks and then crescent kick Bubba to the corner. The crowd approves of this. Both Dudleys take slams and the Eliminators hit them both with stereo spinning splashes from the top.

If this man tried that, he would have killed us all

The Dudleys roll to the outside to regroup, but the Eliminators are having none of that and Kronus flips Saturn over the top and on top of the Dudleys before falling following with what Joey has named the Space Flying Kronus Drop…works for me. Back inside, Saturn hits a springboard spinning heel kick and Kronus nails Bubba in the corner with a flipping elbow. Saturn comes off the top with a nice elbowdrop and both Eliminators hit D-Von with leg sweeps and are just dominating. Saturn shows off with a double springboard Lionsault and Kronus launches his slightly pudgy body off the top with a very impressive 450 splash. This is so much faster paced than anything WWE was doing at this point. Hell, it’s faster paced than anything WWE is doing NOW.

Cody watches this tape and realizes this is Saturn’s world and he’s just living in it

The Eliminators catch Bubba coming off the ropes and both roundhouse Bubba in the back and the front at the same time. This sets up Total Elimination and we have new champions in the opening match.

Winners and NEW Champions: The Eliminators

-Post-match, Joel Gertner tries to announce that the Dudleys are still the champs due to a scoring system. The Eliminators are slightly annoyed by this (no doubt encouraged by the crowd’s “Fuck him up” chant) and nail him with Total Elimination. This would give Gertner the infamous neck brace that he would pretty much wear for what seems like forever.

-Well this was certainly a way to get the crowd up and pumped. The Eliminators basically dominated the Tag champs and while their double teams moves were impressive, I can give it **1/4. I might need to watch this one again soon to get a better idea.

-We get our first blatant edit job, as the Sandman’s hype video has a very very very watered down version of “Enter Sandman” over it. It has like 3 of the same chords and that’s it.

Cover band THIS, bitches

-Joey lets us know that Chris Candido (RIP) cannot compete because of a torn bicep. He does have something to say though…

-In the ring, Candido lets us know he was on the FIRST ECW card and won the tag belts at WrestleMania. Chris is pissed off that he’s not on the Barely Legal shirt. Well, I mean, I guess that’s a valid reason to be upset. If there is one of the true sad stories in pro wrestling, it’s Chris Candido. After having a hard life of abusing drugs and alcohol, he finally got clean, got into terrific shape, landed a gig with TNA, and then died after breaking his ankle in a match. You never know, with how good Sunny looked on the 15^th anniversary of RAW, they could have had something there. Candido promises he will be part of the event somehow.

Rob Van Dam vs. Lance Storm

Wow, Lance looks YOUNG. He also has a really non-masculine looking blonde rat tail. Nice one Lance.

Your pit hair has more personality

Mr. Monday Night has a little bit of a chip on his shoulder tonight since he wasn’t even booked until Candido went down with an injury. Feeling out period to start and Storm gives RVD a clean break in the corner, but when presented with the same situation RVD punches Storm in the gut. Headlock by Lance leads to some trading back and forth off the ropes with Storm avoiding a monkey flip and catching RVD with a clothesline. Storm goes back to the headlock, but RVD armdrags out of it and hits a springboard cross body for one. Storm rolls to the outside so Van Dam comes out of the ring with a leaping somersault plancha. Lance comes back inside and gets slammed, followed by a legdrop from the top for two. RVD tries a Pot Smoker Whip to the corner, but Storm kicks off the turnbuckle and hits Van Dam with an elbow on the ricochet. Storm hangs RVD over the top rope with a suplex then dropkicks him to the floor. Lance tries a pescado, but RVD moves out of the way and Storm goes splat. RVD hits a moonsault off of the steel barrier, then rolls Storm back into the ring. RVD introduces our first weapon of the night as he brings a steel chair into the ring. Rob whips Storm into the corner and throws the chair right at his face as he bounces off and DAMN did that look like it hurt. Lance lays in the corner and RVD skateboards the chair right into his face while the crowd chants “sell out” to him. Storm rights to comeback, but a double-underhook slam ends that attempt. RVD heads up top and hits a Five-Star Frog Splash that’s not exactly five starts just yet; he doesn’t even sell it like he collapsed his own ribcage in yet. You know it’s not a real Five-star because Storm kicks out at two.

Didn’t Jean Claude Van Damme do this in the cinematic classic Timecop?

Your author = Stunned

RVD tosses the chair at Storm’s rat tail and is in danger of knocking the bleach out of it. Whip to the corner but RVD misses a cartwheel splash and Storm dumps him headfirst on the chair. Off the ropes, RVD’s spin kick misses but Storm’s does not. Lance connects with his own cartwheel splash and adds a flying clothesline off the top for two. Lance gets a rolling Boston Crab off the ropes, and he hasn’t really perfected it as he would in later years, but RVD gets to the ropes anyways. RVD backdrops him to the apron and nails a guillotine legdrop to get a nice pop. Back inside, Rob tries the Van Daminator, but Storm chairshots him with the weakest shot this side of Hulk Hogan. He almost makes up for it with a Tiger Bomb onto the chair for two. Lance heads up top and hits his own guillotine legdrop with Van Dam’s head over top of the chair for another two count. Off the ropes, a standing switch leads to a low blow from Rob and he crotches Storm on the top rope before screwing up a back elbow from the top. That’s minus 1 there, Rob. Storm comes back with a german suplex for two. A second chairshot from Storm is TERRIBLE and the crowd boos the hell out of him for it. A third doesn’t even give off a sound, so Rob says “enough of this shit” and hits him with the Van Daminator. He throws in a standing moonsault for good measure and it’s 1, 2, 3, good night.

Winner: Rob Van Dam

I want YOU...to swing a chair like a man

-After the match, Rob wants nothing to do with a Lance Storm handshake. Crowd lets him know he sold out. RVD doesn’t give a shit about respect from anyone and is pissed off that he wasn’t booked prior to the injury. He says this match will make him worth more money elsewhere.

-Match was decent enough and Lance’s chair shots sucked my balls. ** for alright stuff, but nothing to write home about.

-Joey warns us that this match is going to be a little different. They have invited the best from Michinoku Pro Wrestling in Japan, and this should be interesting to recap.

International 6-man Tag

The Great Sasuke, Gran Hamada, Masato Yakushiji vs. Terry Boy, Dick Togo, and Taka Michinoku

Some of you older readers (wow, was it really that long ago?) will remember Terry Boy as part of Kaientei in WWE in the late 1990s. Taka, of course, was brought in earlier than that and given the revived Light Heavyweight title, and we all know how that ended up. Quick, who’s the Cruiserweight champion right now? Seriously. Is it still Hornswoggle? Just let the damn thing die already. Anyways, Michinoku Pro is always fun to watch so I hope this one doesn’t disappoint. Taka, Dick, and Terry Boy are the international members of the Blue World Order. That joke just didn’t get old, did it? Japanese names just dominate my computer’s spell check. Crowd chants “Power Ranger” at Masato. Hamada starts with Taka and gets a quick armdrag out of nowhere and follows with a dropkick and a snap mare. Masato comes in with a head stomp and a legdrop for two. Sasuke tags in and kicks the living hell out of Taka, but Taka gets the tag to Terry Boy and the bWo international takes turns dropping elbows on Sasuke. Japanese whip sets up a spinebuster for Taka into a Boston crab into a camel clutch from Terry Boy and finally a dropkick to the face from Togo. That was a solid sequence. Togo stays on Sasuke with a senton for two before Masato comes in a gets his ass kicked. Taka tags in and hammers away before bringing in Terry Boy again. A couple of knees to the head set up a delayed vertical suplex for two.

Yakushiji’s brother cheers him on

Togo comes back in and Masato takes a HIGH flapjack. Another flapjack attempt, but Yakushiji hits a hurricanrana and follows with a tilt-a-whirl armdrag that sends Togo flying outside the ring. Yakushiji celebrates with a backflip, but he loses his balance like a goof, so Taka comes in to kick his ass. Yakushiji comes back with another tilt-a-whirl armdrag and tags Hamada while Taka tags Terry Boy. They stiff the shit out of each other with slaps and Hamada gets a big headbutt to send Terry Boy to the mat. Japanese whip is countered to an armbar by Hamada, but Taka comes in and tries a back body drop and Hamada lands on his feet. Terry grabs Hamada from behind in a full nelson, but he moves out of the way and Taka nails his own partner with a forearm. Hamada locks Taka in an armbar again and drops Taka with a back suplex before Sasuke tags him and grabs a chinlock. Terry Boy jumps in again, but he takes a shoulderblock and this action off the ropes is so fast paced there’s no way I could possibly recap it for you. It ends with a cartwheel cross body from two and Yakushiji and Taka comes back in. Yakushiji gets trapped in the heel corner and gets sent to the outside but rolls back in twice. Yakushiji finally catches Terry Boy with a baseball slide into a hurricanrana on the floor. Back inside, Hamada gets smoked with a dropkick from Togo but comes back with a hurricanrana for two. Taka checks in and gets rolled up quickly for two. All the faces gang up on Taka and it ends with Sasuke grabbing a single leg crab, but Taka wriggles out and hits an enzugri. This brings in Yakushiji, but he gets dumped unceremoniously. Taka hits Sasuke with a forearm in the corner, so Togo and Terry Boy come in to dish out some more damage with a double facebuster. In a bad ass move, Terry and Togo make Sasuke stand on his head, spread his legs, and then Taka comes off the ropes with a dropkick to the crotch. Awesome.

GAH!

Crowd loves the heels. Then they actually use Sasuke as a PROP, as Taka and Terry hold Sasuke while Togo FLEXES while standing on his back. These men are the greatest heels of all time. Joey is mortified. Another triple team move ends with Sasuke getting dropkicked in the face yet again. Togo hits a delayed vertical suplex for two and tags in Terry Boy, who takes Sasuke down and uses his namesake’s Spinning Toe Hold. Sasuke kicks out for it though, but gets caught with a running DDT that just SPIKED him. Sasuke rolls to the outside and Yakushiji comes in and takes a brainbuster for two. Terry Boy tries his luck with a boot to the face of Yakushiji. In yet another sick triple team move, Terry Boy slingshots Yakushiji into a clothesline from Togo, and when Yakushiji bends back over Terry Boy’s legs, Taka hits him with a kneedrop to the chest. That should have been the finish, but Yakushiji kicks out at two. Togo hits a somersault senton and Terry Boy comes in to hit a high angle backdrop for two. Hamada comes back in and takes a back body drop and gets trapped in the bWo corner. SPIKE piledriver on Hamada leads to Yakushiji coming back in and taking a triple powerbomb, but Sasuke interrupts the count at two. They try the triple team powerbomb on Sasuke but they MESS IT UP! Dammit guys, you were going for the full monty before that one!! They try it again anyways, but Sasuke hurricanranas out of it for a two. Sasuke catches Terry Boy and Taka off the ropes with a springboard moonsault for two. Togo catches an elbow to the face that sends him outside and Sasuke follows with an Asai moonsault into the crowd. In the ring, Hamada sets Terry Boy on the top rope, but gets caught and takes a SUPER inverted atomic drop from Terry Boy. OUCH. He rolls to the outside and Taka goes out after him with a springboard plancha while Yakushiji hits Terry Boy with a missile dropkick for two. Snap suplex sets up a moonsault for another two count. Terry Boy comes back with a running swinging DDT and hits a very impressive chokeslam into a powerbomb, but it’s broken up by Hamada. Togo then hits Hamada with a powerslam for two and this is impossible to keep up with. Togo misses a blind charge to the corner and Hamada hits a SWINGING DDT from the turnbuckle for two. Togo comes back with a powerbomb for two and tries to go up top again, but gets stopped by Sasuke which gives Hamada time to recover. He brings Togo off with a hurricanrana and decides to leap out of the ring at Terry Boy for some reason. Yakushiji comes off the top with a beautiful hurricanrana, which sends Togo to the outside and Yakushiji follows with a suicide dive through the ropes onto Togo.

Warrior fears workrate

Inside, Sasuke kicks the hell out of Taka, but runs into an overhead belly to belly and gets missile dropkicked in the back of the head. I think this match has more workrate in it than 10 episodes of RAW at this point. The crowd agrees. Taka hits the Michinoku Driver and Yakushiji interrupts at two, but gets dumped cause he’s a loser. Taka comes off the top but gets dropkicked by Sasuke and he hits a springboard moonsault press for two. He smokes Taka with a powerbomb and hits a Salto suplex with a bridge and it’s FINALLY over.

Winners: Gran Hamada, Yakushiji, and Great Sasuke

-Holy shit that was one hell of a match. I know the recap was long, but I even LEFT STUFF OUT and it was still awesome. I’m deducting ¼* for the f’ed up powerbomb in the middle, but this is a ****3/4 match, EASILY. That’s as close to perfection as you get my friends. Go watch this match, NOW. Just an all around solid performance.

-But when you speak of solid performances, you speak of Mr. Nanny.

Just unbelievable character acting

-Cut to a backstage soliloquy for Stevie Richards.

ECW World Television Title

Shane Douglas (w/ Francine) vs. Pitbull #2

This was set up by Shane breaking Pitbull #1’s neck and stealing their manager, Francine, away from them. Needless to say, Pitbull #2 was a little pissed off about this, and made it his goal to break Shane’s neck as soon as he could. That might constitute assault, right? Shane gets ahold of the house mic and lets everyone know he’s the one that led them here. Francine apparently had a coupon for Hookers R Us and is barely wearing clothes at all.

Buy one implant, get one free

Douglas goes on and on and on (he’s almost as bad as HHH) about how great he is, and I just don’t care. Pitbull #1 is sitting ringside, and you know that’s not a good idea. Pitbull #2 finally comes to the ring and attacks to start the mask. The big stipulation is that if Pitbull #2 loses tonight, the masked man who has been stalking Shane has to unmask. Joey pretty much says it’s Rick Rude, and is curious as to what he looks like. Um…probably pretty close to what he looked like the last time he was on TV. Pitbull hits a spinning heel kick and a clothesline sets up a front facelock. I don’t think this match is going to be nearly as good as the last one. Pitbull wrenches the front facelock as the crowd tells him to break his neck. Douglas goes low and grabs a front facelock of his own, but Pitbull reverses into a side headlock takeover for two. Shane fights out of it but gets tripped down with a drop toe hold and Pitbull goes back to the front facelock. Shane again fights out and catches Pitbull with his head down and grabs, can you guess? Yes, another front facelock. Pitbull comes back and crotches Shane on the top rope. They screw something up off the ropes and Pitbull hits an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline for two. Pitbull wrenches Shane’s neck in front of Pitbull #2 in a classy move, but this match just ain’t doing it for me.

ECW fan or not, this man still rules Shane’s world

Francine shows off her acting skills (a.k.a. none at all) by showing concern for Shane’s neck. Pitbull runs him into the buckle, but Shane counters a powerbomb into a hurricanrana and still manages to run into a clothesline. Pitbull takes his time with a powerbomb, but that only allows Shane to hammer away when he’s picked up and both guys tumble over the top and to the outside. Shane rolls him back in and hits a piledriver, continuing the neck psychology. Another piledriver and then one more for the hell of it. Shane wrenches the neck some more and the crowd is bored so it lets Francine know that she has herpes. Here’s a fun game: What percentage of the guys at the ECW arena that night would STILL have slept with Francine, even if she had herpes? I’m going with 60%. The ECW fans were a little sexually frustrated…not that I would know or anything. Ahem…on with the match. Shane takes Pitbull over with a snap mare and a dropkick to the back of the head sends him to the outside in front of Pitbull #1. Shane brings Pitbull in from the apron with a delayed vertical suplex and locks on the camel clutch. The neck psychology is a good idea, but it’s just boring as hell. This is like watching Goodfellas on HBO and being all pumped up, and then the next movie is The English Patient. It might be a decent movie, but I sure as hell don’t want to sit through it. I digress, but Shane has turned his riveting camel clutch into an even more riveting side headlock. Pitbull comes back with a toss to the corner, and hits an inverted atomic drop off the ropes and a clothesline to the mat. I’ve seen that sequence before. Irish whip to the corner and Shane tries a cross body, but Pitbull catches him. Now what does he do? If you said put him down gently on his feet and punch him, you win a gold star.

Yay for you

Can you tell I’m bored? Then out of nowhere, Pitbull dumps Shane over the top rope and through the timekeeper’s table. Wow, they didn’t tease or set that up at all, did they? Pitbull whips Shane into the steel barrier and Pitbull #1 jumps the railing and beats the hell out of Shane until the “Philadelphia Riot Police” pull him off. Do police always tackle guys with broken necks? Pitbull throws a piece of the steel barrier into the ring, drawing the biggest pop of the match so far. The crowd wants blood. Pitbull tries to crotch him on the guardrail, but Shane reverses and tries the same thing but Pitbull kicks over the railing during the move and fucks the spot up. Ok, just go home guys, I’ve seen enough. It almost seems like the crowd WANTS to be excited for this match and cheer and boo and all that stuff, but there’s nothing to react to. That’s a shame too because wasting a hot ECW crowd is usually never a good thing. Douglas headbutts Pitbull #2’s nuts and tosses him to the outside. Shane dumps the guardrail out of the ring and on top of Pitbull, and that could not have felt good. Now Shane crotches him on the outside of the ring on the railing, then hits him with a chair across the back.

How much could they possibly have paid him for THIS?

Joey reminds us that Shane earned the nickname “Franchise” in the ring and not by playing a ridiculous Crow gimmick like Sting. That’s what he said, just in a “wrestling announcer” way. Back inside, Shane hammers away in the corner, but Pitbull is hulking up as the “Boring!” chants start. A very lame comeback attempt is ended with a knee lift and an elbowdrop. Crowd is entertaining itself calling Francine names. Douglas goes to the top rope, but gets caught coming off and gets placed back on the top rope, but Shane shoves him off. Shane tries again but gets dropkicked in the air and they clothesline each other for the double KO. Back on their feet, Pitbull hits a shoulderblock and a clothesline, then catches Douglas off the ropes with a powerslam for two. Back elbow off the ropes gets two, and a standing dropkick connects for another two count. Off the ropes and Pitbull hits a press slam, but Francine hands Shane something when the referee isn’t looking. SHANANIGANS~!!! Isn’t it kind of pointless to hide it though? I mean, it’s ECW, there are no rules. The referee can’t DQ you for handing your guy something; they just spent 10 minutes fighting with a steel guardrail. Anyways, Shane nails him with whatever is in his hand then breaks a piece of table over his head for two. Shane brings a chair into the ring and really his chairshots aren’t much better than Lance Storm’s. He gets two off of it anyways. It must be Foreign Object Grab Bag Night at the ECW Arena because now Shane nails him with the ring bell, and again it only gets two. They are all over the place with this booking. First, it’s about both people working the necks and now it’s Shane beating him with everything in the arena and him kicking out…make up your minds. Another piece of table gets broken over Pitbull’s steroid-grown head and he gets another two count. Pitbull is apparently hulking up again but he is totally GASSED. Pitbull whips him into the corner, but the TV title belt is waiting there for Shane, who grabs it and cracks Pitbull over the head with it. Shane goes old school and tries to take something out of his boot, but Pitbull surprises him with a pumphandle slam for two. Pitbull digs in Shane’s boot, finds a chain and nails Douglas with it. Chris Candido makes an appearance, but gets smacked with the chain as well. Francine distracts Pitbull and Shane rolls him up for two. Short arm clothesline sends Douglas down to the mat. Shane ducks another clothesline and catches him with a belly to belly off the ropes for the three count.

Winner: Shane Douglas

-So wait. Pitbull gets busted in the face with a table, a chair, a steel guardrail, and a ring bell…but an f’n BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX gets the pin??! What kind of booking is that? Match wasn’t good at all, and guess what? It was given the MOST TIME IN THE SHOW! Paul E. must have been on some good shit when he thought that one up. **, but just barely.

Give ME all the acid!

-Post-match, the masked man says that a deal is a deal, but Shane has to give up Francine or else. Gee, I wonder who it could be? Masked Man even comes out in his “Simply Ravishing” robe…just to throw us off the track I guess. He makes out with Francine, so Shane nails him with the belt. Of course, in true ECW fashion, the masked man is not Rick Rude, but Brian Lee. Rick Rude just happens to be dressed as one of the riot police at ringside (which explains where they stole that gimmick from for One Night Stand). Rude beats the hell out of Douglas and Brian Lee chokeslams him to draw a pop from the ECW faithful. Damn shame they built this whole thing up, and then Rude left as soon as WWE came calling with a spot open in Degeneration X.

-Backstage, Raven gives one of his token brooding promos.

ECW Grudge Match of the Century

Personally I would vote for the whole “Germany vs. The World” conflict as my Grudge Match of the Century, but hey what do I know? For those of you who weren’t watching ECW at this point, this match was hyped FOREVER and then a day on top of that. They even featured it when ECW invaded RAW by having Sabu jump (fall) off of a big RAW sign onto Team Tazz. Sabu doesn’t even wait for his music to get into the ring as Joey Styles let’s us know that even if we are “smarks”, we have no clue how much these two hate each other. Staredown to start and they exchange slaps to let us know that they really don’t like each other. Tazz clotheslines Sabu and he rolls to outside to get his bearings back, but Tazz catches him coming back into the ring and tries for the Tazzmission, but Sabu reverses into a headlock. They exchange hammerlocks and Tazz hits a drop toe hold into an anklelock. More wrestling sequences and Tazz invites Sabu to try to take him down. Of course, Sabu cannot and Tazz crossfaces the shit out of him, bloodying his nose in the process. Ouch.

Potato Delivery Man

Really slow paced match to start, which is the opposite of what I would expect for this type of booking. I expected a big, knockout, drag out brawl from start to finish, but hey, what do I know? Sabu dropkicks the knee of Tazz and then hits a springboard leg lariat, which causes Tazz to the roll to the outside. Sabu follows him out with a baseball slide and then dumps him into the first row. Sabu retreats into the ring and gets a chair, then jumps onto Tazz with a double jump springboard plancha. They brawl in the crowd for awhile meaning, with ECW’s grand total of three cameras, we barely see anything going on. Sabu tries a chair-assisted splash, but Tazz moves and Sabu goes gut-first into the steel railing. Tazz clotheslines him back to ringside, and then rolls him back into the ring where he slugs away. Drop toe hold into a variation of the bow and arrow by Tazz and Sabu fights out of it, but gets caught in a Fujiwara armbar. Sabu comes back with an enzugri and a springboard somersault legdrop. Sabu grabs another chair and just throws it from across the ring into Tazz’s face…simple, but effective. Sabu sets the chair up and we see where the Hardy Boyz stole their corner move as Sabu comes off the chair with Air Sabu to nail Tazz in the corner. He goes back to the well one too many times (to quote Gorilla) though and ends up getting dropped face-first on the chair. Just as soon as I type that, Joey Styles says the exact same thing, creepy.

Reads people’s minds on his day off

Tazz hits a STIFF clothesline off the ropes and gets a two count off of it. Damn, no wonder everyone in the locker room hated his guts. Tazz gets a spinebuster but gets dumped to the outside. Sabu tries a triple jump springboard but he misses and Tazz belly to belly suplexes him into the first row to add insult to injury. Fonzie reminds Tazz that Sabu is still alive. Meanwhile, Team Tazz has built a bridge using a table between the ring and the steel railing, kind of like sniveling henchmen.

The ultimate goons

Sabu attacks from behind and sets Tazz up on that same table (IRONY!), but Sabu aborts his springboard attempt when he sees Tazz standing on the table. Tazz grabs him and tries a northern lights suplex on the table, but Sabu tries to reverse into a swinging DDT, but Tazz shoves him off and Sabu crashes through the table in the first nice spot of the match. They exchange punches on the outside and Tazz toss him back inside. Tazz is suddenly selling a shoulder injury, but I’m not sure from what. Sabu kicks him in the head to take control and sets him up on the top turnbuckle and hits a nice hurricanrana from the top for a two count. NICE distance on a legdrop that Sabu actually dropped from the RING POST and not the top rope. Tazz comes back with a Tazzplex that looks like it almost broke Sabu’s neck again, and then follows with a headlock Tazzplex. Tazz tries to go for another one, but Sabu comes back with his own T-bone Tazzplex, and then mocks Tazz with his pose. This is not a good idea however, because Tazz is no-selling behind him. Tazz charges, but Sabu grabs his own version of the Tazzmission before Tazz counters with a belly to belly Tazzplex. T-bone Tazzplex has Sabu looking like he was in a car accident and now Tazz grabs the Tazzmission. The crowd really just isn’t into this match as much as I thought, and an anticlimactic bell rings as Sabu taps out.

Winner: Tazz

-Post-match, Tazz does the respect bit and Tazz even tells one person in the crowd to shut his mouth. He offers the EVIL HANDSHAKE OF DOOM~! and Sabu accepts and even raises Tazz’s hand. They even go with the hug, which the crowd boos, and Rob Van Dam finally runs out to end this male bonding by attacking Tazz. Tazz tries to suplex RVD, but Sabu saves his tag partner and the two lay the BEATDOWN on Tazz, capping it off with an Arabian facebuster from Sabu and splashing him through a table.

-Fonzie reveals his true allegiances all along by taking his Team Tazz t-shirt off and revealing a Sabu shirt, as we have our big heel tag team for the next year and beginning the Mr. Monday Night character that I loved so very, very much. The post-match angle got more heat than the actual match.

-For the “Grudge Match of the Century” this seemed an awful lot like just another wrestling match. Really the only high spot of the match was the table spot and the rest was all typical ECW stuff, nothing to make it stand out above the rest. Honestly, this is a **1/2 match, which was very disappointing given the buildup and the lack of a crowd reaction.

The REAL Mr. Monday Night

-Joey Styles introduces his special guest commentator for the next match, Tommy Dreamer…but of course the crowd chants for Beulah.

Dreamer had no chance against this

Stevie Richards vs. The Sandman vs. Terry Funk

The winner of this Three Way Dance gets a shot at the ECW champ, Raven, immediately following this match. It’s different than a WWE Triple Threat match in that the match isn’t over on the first pinfall, but it’s an elimination match. The entire Blue World Order hits the ring to kick things off, as I totally forgot about the Dennis Rodman rip-off they had, AND the Syxx clone that they dubbed “7-11”. Sandman, of course, busts himself open with a beer can before the match even starts…although I have to say that the entrance loses its entire luster without “Enter Sandman” blaring behind it. Best entrance in wrestling history if you ask me, and because Vince is cheap I never get to see it again. Thanks Vinnie Mac. Terry Funk is clearly the crowd favorite, but seriously how many different wrestlers have been nicknamed “Living Legend”? I can think of three right off the bat. Sandman is still drinking, by the way. Start of the match finally and all three grab a side headlock before Sandman shoulderblocks Stevie down. Now, Sandman and Terry take turns firing away on Stevie in the corner, but Sandman gets a LOUD chop on Terry. Stevie comes up from behind and gets a two count on Sandman. Funk grabs his signature spinning toe hold (it’s not the 1970s anymore, Terry) but Stevie breaks it up and he and Sandman take turns dropping elbows. Sandman drops Stevie on top of Terry and gets a two count, and Stevie is stupid enough to ask Sandman to do it again, so of course he drops Stevie with a back suplex. Terry comes back with four neckbreakers on Stevie while Sandman retrieves a ladder from the back. He tosses it into the ring and manages to hit BOTH of them in the head…now that’s talent.

If Terry only still had this hair to absorb the impact…

Sandman suplexes the ladder onto Stevie and then nails Terry with it to get a two count. Dreamer sucks as an announcer, by the way. Sandman DDTs Stevie, and then he and Funk fight on top of the ladder, but Funk makes a very bad decision and tries to moonsault onto Richards, but misses by a mile and Stevie still has to sell it like he was shot. Sick looking spot as Sandman comes off the top while holding the ladder and smashes Stevie with it. Sandman slams Stevie on top of Funk in a spot I’m surprised I haven’t seen recently. Stevie comes back by dropkicking the ladder into Sandman’s face and gets a quick two count, and sends Sandman head over heels into the ladder set up in the corner. Richards takes over on Funk with a slam for two as Sandman sets the ladder up in the middle of the ring. Sandman and Richards fight on top of the ladder and Terry staggers into the ladder, knocking both men off the top and clotheslining them on the top rope. Then, we gets the famous spot with Funk putting the ladder on his shoulders and spinning around in a circle, nailing everything that moves and even causing the referee to duck and cover. They actually referenced that at the last ECW One Night Stand, but I think it went over most people’s heads. Funk gets a standing ovation for that one. Funk sets the ladder up against the top rope and sends the Sandman face into it, then Sandman returns the favor, but Stevie comes off the top and hits the other side of the ladder, causing the bottom to spring up and hit the other two right in the face like a see-saw. More stolen WWF spots here. Richards tunes up the band and superkicks Sandman, but he kicks out at two. Another Stevie-kick for Terry Funk, but that only gets two as well. Sandman comes back and dumps Stevie, then tosses the ladder on top of him for good measure, and then dumps him into the first row. Sandman uses the same see-saw move on Stevie, this time using the steel railing and a plancha to launch the ladder into his face. Funk gives chairshots out to everyone and Sandman retreats to the back again while Funk hits a vertical suplex on Stevie in the ring. Sandman tosses a garbage can into the ring that BOUNCES off Terry’s head, and then he has a shot for Stevie as well. Some double teaming on Stevie, as Funk and Sandman suplex him onto the garbage can but it only gets a two count.

Simon Dean is closing his eyes, clicking his heels and wishing he was still in ECW in 1997

Spike piledriver on Stevie and Funk adds a garbage can shot for the hell of it. Sandman gets ahold of the ladder again and sets it on top of Stevie, then hits him with a springboard somersault legdrop for two. Another see-saw move hits on Stevie but it sends the ladder FLYING into the audience, LOOK OUT!

RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!

Terry and Sandman decide to form an alliance again and they both powerbomb Stevie and finally get the pin to eliminate him. The crowd doesn’t like that one. Sandman slugs away on Funk, but gets backdropped to the outside and lands on Richards. He finds a strand of barb wire under the ring, but gets hit with the piece of sheet metal that the garbage can was wrapped in before he can use it. Funk commandeers the barb wire, which is wrapped in streamers by the way, and whips Sandman with it, but he comes back by hitting him with the piece of sheet metal. Sandman wraps the barb wire around his own body and runs into Funk, and then comes off the top rope with a sloppy legdrop, but it only gets two. Stevie distracts Sandman, allowing Funk to put the garbage can on his head and Richards hits the Stevie-kick and Funk follows with a moonsault to get the pin.

Winner: Terry Funk

ECW World Title Match

Raven vs. Terry Funk

Raven immediately runs out and goes to work on Terry Funk, nailing him with the title belt and stomping away. He grabs a chair and sets it up in the middle of the ring and then hits a drop toe hold on Funk, causing Terry’s face to crash into the chair. Funk is busted open and Raven goes to work on the cut. It’s a shame that Raven is such an ass because he could be a booking FORCE. Imagine if he and Jake Roberts got together and were allowed to book Smackdown, I don’t think I’d ever miss it. They bring the doctor out to take a look at Funk, who is bleeding like a stuck pig, and Dreamer calls bullshit. The crowd chants for Tommy, but he promised Terry he would not get involved in the match. Terry is bleeding all over himself and the ring, and Raven keeps hammering away on the cut.

Dick

Raven drags Terry to the outside and then suplexes a table on top of him, then grabs another table from under the rings and sets it up. He puts Terry on top of it, gets back into the ring and dives over the top rope and crashes Funk through the table. He even punches out the doctor just to be a dick. He calls the entire Raven’s Nest out and Reggie Bennett (whoever the hell that is) hits a sitdown powerbomb on Funk. Raven gets on the mic and promises to end Funk’s career in front of Tommy Dreamer by chokeslamming him through three tables off of the Eagle’s Nest, just like they did Tommy. Dreamer stands up to confront Raven, but Big Dick Dudley (fresh out of jail) comes from behind with a garbage can shot as Raven DDTs the referee. Big Dick tries to chokeslam Tommy through the three tables, but Tommy goes low to stop it and shoves Dick off the landing and through the tables…OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD! Tommy beats the shit out of all of the Raven’s Next members and makes his way to the ring. He DDTs Raven in the ring to a big pop, but it only gets two, even though the bell rings which makes it look like a fuck up. Small package from Funk gets the pin and the title for the upset and the HUGE pop.

Winner and NEW champion: Terry Funk

-I’m rating these both as 1 match, since it was one giant soap opera anyways. The matches were pretty much nothing to write home about, but the storyline head it together strongly enough. I’m going to go *** for the whole mess, with it getting big boost from the story telling.

Final Verdict

Well, ECW is definitely not for everyone, it’s an acquired taste. But even if you aren’t a fan of the extreme, that Michinoku Pro match is DEFINITELY worth seeking out as you won’t see any more fast paced wrestling for a long time the way WWE is going. Some decent hardcore stuff, but the Douglas/Pitbull match will put you to sleep and the main event isn’t something you haven’t seen a dozen times before in ladder matches. It’s still a piece of the short history of ECW, so I think it’s worth adding to your collection, but just know what your getting yourself into.

This is Crosby’s world…you’re all just living in it

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