"Spinning Pec" Takes Market by Storm

STAMFORD, CT -- In line with his well known knack for "Turning negatives into positives," Vince McMahon has decided to cash in on the string of muscle tears that have plagued his company by marketing a new line of "Muscle Tear Toys." The immediate best seller has become John Cena's "Spinning Pec," which is a new twist on the top selling spinning championship belts that fans of Cena had been buying in droves.

Fresh off a pectoral muscle tear suffered on the October 1 edition of Monday Night RAW, WWE champion John Cena pitched the idea of the "Spinning Pec" to Vince McMahon the following morning while laid up in a hospital bed.

"The muscle was torn completely off the bone, and so it just hung there like a water balloon," said Cena from his physical rehabilitation therapy session in Massachusetts. "This kid came up to me and slapped my chest, and the chest muscle started spinning like a globe. I thought to myself, 'That's f*ckin' awesome; we should market this.'"

Cena's "Spinning Pec" belt puts a new twist on an old idea

Cena said he then phoned WWE's Marketing division, which drew up a business plan and pitched it to McMahon that afternoon. Vince was reportedly, "Blown away," and authorized an emergency prototype. Seven days later, the "Spinning Pec" was refined and on the toy market, where it has become a best seller at retail chains across the country.

WWE has said other performers with notable chest regions will also have their own line of Spinning Pec toys, including Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle, Mickie James, Melina, Viscera, and Dusty Rhodes.

"I want my chest to spin just like Cena's!" screamed Jameson Price, a 7-year-old from Boston who just started the 3rd grade. "Mommy bought it for me yesterday, saying it's an early Christmas present. Next, I want her to buy me the Torn Quad."

Price was referring to a new product modeled after HHH and Vince McMahon's famous injury, which is a torn quadriceps. The new "Torn Quad" product is the #2 seller, behind the "Spinning Pec."

"World Wrestling Entertainment performers have spent years abusing anabolic steroids," said Vince McMahon at a conference call with stock holders Monday morning. "This has led to a sharp rise in muscle tears, which unfortunately have depleted our roster as our performers have spent months recovering from surgeries, rehab stints, and long bouts of physical therapy. In order to offset this short term negative effect on our business, we're instead turning a negative into a positive. Hence, our new line of "Muscle Tear Toys" will bolster our bottom line and ensure profitable quarters for years to come."

Aside from Cena and HHH, other performers who have suffered recent muscle tear injuries are Undertaker, Batista, Edge, and Vince McMahon himself. Each will have his own line of Muscle Tear Toys, including Undertaker's "Undertendon," Batista's "Biceps Unleashed... and Unattached," Edge's "Rated X SuperPecs," and McMahon's "Billion Dollar Quads."

The new toys have removable muscle parts, shaped like real human muscles, made out of molded clay. Only Cena's actually spins, which toy industry analysts believe is a fan-friendly feature that has fueled its popularity.

There have also been undocumented reports that WWE will rescind its Wellness Policy, therefore increasing steroid use, and therefore, muscle tears.

"I personally wouldn't be surprised to see Vince yank (the Wellness Policy)," said a source within WWE who commented on the condition of anonymity. "The Spinning Pec has generated $5 million its first week, which is a lot more than some of the PPVs have done that (Cena) has headlined. Vince told us he thinks some of these guys might draw more money if they're injured with muscle tears, because each tear acts as a launch of a new product line."

At the time of this writing, the WWE Marketing group was formulating plans for a new product called Leaking Implants, which would be modeled after the Divas and help launch the annual WWE Diva Search series.

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