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Frankie Kazarian Signs Multi-Million Dollar Contract with WWE 

February 26, 2005

STAMFORD, CT--Fresh off a heel tag team run with partner Michael Shane and manager Traci Brooks, Total Nonstop Action (TNA) mid-carder Frankie Kazarian announced his departure from the Nashville, TN based wrestling organization and his signing with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) for a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract. 

"I'm excited, yet only mildly happy with the terms of the deal," said Kazarian.  "The worldwide exposure will be nice, but truthfully, they're getting me at a bargain.  I'm doing this more as a favor to Vince (McMahon) than anything.  From a purely financial standpoint, I was making more on the indie scene.  But I consider Vince a friend, so I'll help him out." 

Exact terms of the deal remain undisclosed, but WWE Chairman Vince McMahon sounded overjoyed from his speaker phone at home, where he is currently rehabbing two torn quads.  "This is, by far, the biggest coup in the history of WWE.  To think how TNA, specifically Bob Ryder, could have let the first-class talents of Mr. Kazarian go is beyond me.  Here they have arguably the biggest draw in the business today, and they let him perform with an expired contract?  Preposterous.  It's their loss, and our gain." 

Kazarian became well-known with his excellent series of matches in TNA's X Division, in which lighter weight wrestlers are encouraged to provide more aerial maneuvers and high spots, climaxing in the so-called "Ultimate X."  Other standouts in this division include A.J. Styles, Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, Christopher Daniels, "Prime Time" Elix Skipper, and the artist formerly known as Jean-Pierre Laffitte.   

Former tag team partner Michael Shane, also an X Division contender, expressed his subdued happiness for Kazarian.  "I'm happy and I'm sad," said the cousin of current WWE superstar Shawn Michaels.  "No doubt Frankie deserves it, but I consider it a step down.  They're on Spike, we're on Fox Sports Net, including full coverage of the Middle East.  We have hundreds of loyal fans in Orlando.  What does WWE have?  I guess he's happier being a big fish in a small pond, because in TNA he was floundering.  But still, floundering in TNA is far more rewarding a career than headlining WrestleMania.  My cousin Shawn (Michaels) blows up cell my phone every day trying to ask (TNA owner) Bob Carter to hire him away from WWE, for far less pay." 

Competition for a slot in TNA is cutthroat, insiders say. 

"I literally had to beg to come in.  And even then, it only lasted for a few shots," remarked pro wrestling icon Sting.  "They constantly said 'No Sting, maybe next time.'  It's only because I got my start here in Tennessee that Jerry Jarrett was kind enough to give me a tryout.  After it was apparent I couldn't cut the mustard, I lost my slot to Dustin Rhodes.  It broke my heart." 

Larry Pfohl, who performs as "The Total Package" Lex Luger, echoed Sting's comments.  "TNA is where the big boys play, no doubt.  Their pay-per-views have either held steady or gained a few new viewers each time out.  Not one other wrestling promotion in the world can say that.  They're in total growth mode.  I don't stand a chance there, so I may have to settle for WWE." 

Over in WWE, the mood is much different. Their top superstars seem eager to wrestle the TNA newcomer.  "I'm NOTHING to this guy," shouted current WWE Raw champ HHH.  "If Kazarian and I were walking down the streets, 9 out of 10 people would recognize him ahead of me.  THAT'S the power of Fox Sports and the plum time slot Impact has.  That's what we're buying with this multi-million dollar deal with Frankie.  I'm so eager to learn from him, put him over like a million bucks, and get the rub from his incredible star power.  It's... it's just awesome.  Move over, Batista." 

Other stars, though, had different priorities.  Take former WWE champ Shawn Michaels, who wrestles as the Heartbreak Kid.  "I'm thrilled Frankie's here.  Maybe this frees up a spot for me in TNA, I hope (laughs).  But don't print that."       

Things appeared to be looking downward for Kazarian anyway.  According to his on-screen manager Traci Brooks, Kazarian's fate in the promotion didn't look good.  "They were going to break the team (Kazarian, Shane, and Brooks) up anyway.  I just saw the script (for tonight's Impact TV taping) and they have me in this storyline where I have to French kiss Dusty Rhodes, so they had no plans for the three of us as a unit," said Brooks in between doses of Pepto-Bismol.  "Now if you will please excuse me, I'm going to go vomit." 

TNA superstars Scott Hall and Hector Garza could not be reached for comment. 

This story is brought to you by the AP (Armpit Parodies) Newswire.