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Edge and HHH in Cahoots

Blond Duo Has Secret Plan to Destroy WWE Roster

April 18, 2005

NEW YORK, NY--Wrestlers Edge and HHH have been in cahoots in recent months in a secret attempt to pick apart and destroy the once-mighty World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) roster from its very foundation, they announced this morning from LaGuardia Airport.  Plans are underway for a complete takeover by 2008, with what they termed a "combination strategy of women and power."

"It's a friendly game of competition," said Edge.  "Hunter's a 10-time champion, and I'm a 2-time husband.  We're competing with each other as to who can reach the number 20 first, without anyone noticing.  Based on 2005 alone, the plan is working to near perfection."

Edge and HHH.  The two plan to bury and divorce their way to the top.

Edge was first married to the sister of WWE wrestler Val Venis, but got divorced before his autobiography Adam Copeland on Edge came out in 2004.  He is currently on his second marriage, but "That's in the dumps too (laughs).  I'm aiming to be divorced by summer time, after which I'll work on marriage and divorce #3, and so on and so on."

Edge made headlines this year when it was made public that he was having an affair with WWE diva Lita.  At the time, Lita was living with boyfriend Matt Hardy.  The situation caused an uproar, and the result was a termination of Hardy from the company.

"That's the thing," chimed in HHH.  "Edge will sleep with the guys' wives, divorce his current wives, and then I'll tell Vince (McMahon, WWE CEO) to fire the guys.  If we keep up this strategy, the entire male roster should be depleted and finished within three years.  So far, so good."

Indeed, the plan worked in getting Hardy fired.  But Edge still has a long way to go to reach HHH's 10 title reigns; a number that will most likely increase a few times in 2005 as HHH trades wins with current WWE champion Batista.

"I gave Dave (Batista) the belt at 'Mania," said HHH.  "I always do my most high-profile jobs at 'Mania, because then it seems like I'm putting people over.  I'll then squash people non-stop the other 51 weeks of the year on Raw, in front of 10 times the audience that saw 'Mania.  But people don't focus on those squashes.  They focus on how I did the job at 'Mania.  Only the smart ones pick up on it, and fortunately, there aren't too many smart people in WWE."

Despite the strong lead HHH has in reaching the elusive number 20, Edge remains determined.

"I'm up for the challenge," he said with a shy smile.  "There's Jackie (Gayda), she's married to Charlie Haas.  The plan right now is to divorce my wife, marry Lita, sleep with Jackie, divorce Lita, and then marry Jackie," he further revealed.  "That right there puts me at #4, and by that time HHH should still only be at title reign #10."

"And then we'd fire Haas," HHH interrupted. 

Charlie Haas, whose days of marital bliss (and employment) may soon be over.

The recent news of a new WWE engagement between Doug Basham and Gail Kim has Edge excited about becoming a 5-time husband to close out 2005.

"If things go as planned, I can marry Jackie in the Fall.  At that point, I can sleep with Gail Kim," explained Edge.  "When that happens, I can probably work on the divorce with Jackie at the same time we fire Basham.  That puts me at #5, and HHH will probably be an 11-time champ by then.  But I plan on closing the gap in '06."

HHH pointed out that the seeds of the plan had been planted years ago, but it was purely coincidental.

"It's hard to keep track of it all, but this has been going on for years," said HHH.  "The thing with me and Steph, that led to Chyna's firing.  Then she got with Sean Waltman, and he was fired.  Stacy Keibler broke up with Test, and then Test was fired... I may have the sequence of events mixed up, but the end result has been the same: someone gets fired, someone gets his/her heart broken, and I increase my number of title reigns."

Gail Kim to be happily ever after?  Not if Edge has his way. 

While HHH was making his statement, Edge pondered about other WWE couples he could potentially break up.

"Ooh, don't forget Torrie and Billy (Kidman)," he remembered.  "I can steal her no problem, and then release Kidman from his contract.  Let's see... if Stacy and Randy Orton get together, that's another.  If DDP and Kimberly get back together, I could ask HHH to bring DDP back to WWE.  Then I’d sleep with Kimberly, and then fire Page again.  Umm, I was gonna do Dawn Marie, but she already broke up with Simon Diamond.  Tommy Dreamer and Beulah.  I'm sure there are others.  I'm not worried about it."

Edge paused to think, and then continued.  "Booker and Paisley, absolutely.  I've never had a Nitro Girl before.  Well, that's not true.  I've never had a Nitro Girl who was a minority.  No wait, that's not true either, because I had Chae.  Never mind.  I'll just marry Paisley.  But she'll have to divorce Booker first, and that could be a problem."

"And then we'd fire Booker," HHH once again interrupted.   

Booker T and his Spinaroonie might get the pink sliparoonie.

But Edge shouldn't even get ideas about messing with WWE's top female dog, Stephanie McMahon, who is married to HHH.

"Touch her and I'll kill you," laughed HHH as he looked at Edge, only half-jokingly.

"Don't worry Trips, she's butt ugly anyway," responded Edge, as they both fell on the ground laughing.

"I know, isn't she?" laughed HHH uncontrollably.  "I mean, f*ck, she's more manly than I am!  Whatever man, I got what I wanted: control of WWE," roared HHH as the two continued laughing to the point our news correspondent lost patience and ended the interview.

This story is brought to you by the AP (Armpit Parodies) Newswire.