Mock My Brain: Wade Keller

For those of you read the Torch and like Mr. Keller, you probably shouldn't read this. The Torch was a good newsletter, but the more we did research on Wade post-2000, the more we were appalled. What happened? Wade has lost all self-respect, all dignity, and all journalistic moral value. Thank goodness we ended our subscriptions.

Disclaimer: This is a mock interview. Wade didn't really answer these questions. We did. But we know it's what Wade would say.

1. First off, please use this first question to plug anything you'd like. Newsletters, books, websites, whatever. The forum is yours.

The Pro Wrestling Torch is wrestling's #1 newsletter, the "weekly journal of news and opinion." Cute slogan, huh? I made it up myself. We employ the incredibly obnoxious Bruce Mitchell, who thinks he's above everyone else, which is funny because he makes peanuts as a public school teacher. But that doesn't mean I don't stop by his classroom from time to time, role play, and get a spanking.

We're also responsible for that large and lovely Mark Madden.

I'd plug my website, but I'm afraid of overloading because we're swamped with idiotic teenage marks who think I'm a genius and are too stupid to understand that Dave Meltzer and the Wrestling Observer Newsletter put me to shame. Thank God for stupidity or else I wouldn't have a career.

2. Even though you started the Torch in 1987, I'd say your really big break came when Dave Meltzer plugged you in 1992, right smack in the middle of the regular news pages of the Observer. He called the issue in which you ran the transcript of the Donahue show as "One of the best issues of any newsletter I have ever read." That's when I first heard of you, and when I started subscribing. Would you agree that was the break you needed that really propelled your business to the next level?

I think Jim Cornette loaned Meltzer his crack pipe that day, because that particular issue sucked. I mean, look, all I did was copy and paste the transcript of the show into the newsletter. Nothing too terribly difficult. CTRL-X and CTRL-V, that's all I did. And that makes me a genius? I swear, the public is so gullible.

3. Jim Cornette wrote a nasty letter about you this past year, re-igniting your feud from the early 90s. What is your (brief) response to his diatribe?

I have no response, because he's 100% right when he calls me an idiot. But if I said that, then the teenage marks who make me rich might turn on me. Luckily, teenagers have no idea who Jim Cornette is.

What started it is I wrote this huge article about a "riot in Wise, VA" for a Smoky Mountain Wrestling house show. It wasn't a real riot, but the headline sounded good, so I wrote it.

Here's my career, in a nutshell: I used to be a great journalist, but it was a lot of work. I then found out that I could make a lot more money being sensationalistic, with a lot less effort. So now I take even the slightest rumors, no matter how small or unconfirmed, and turn them into huge headlines that look real. And presto, I make a ton of money. You should try it sometime. Sure, I've lost all sense of self-dignity and respect from my peers, but I'll take cold, hard cash instead. Which feels better rolling around naked in, cash or respect? Thank you.

4. Speaking of Cornette, let's go back to 1993/1994. You published a Torch Talk with him right after he debuted for WWF, which was a big coup at the time. Then you ran the article about the "riot" in Wise, Virginia, and he has hated you and Bruce Mitchell ever since. Do you think Cornette, who has tremendous respect among the wrestlers, affected the way people view the Torch, and do you feel it hurt your personal credibility as a news reporter?

See my previous answer. No one respects me, but again, I'm rich. Would you rather be rich, or respected? I'll take the latter. Or is it the former? Darn, my grammar sucks. Latter is last and former is first. Okay, let me rephrase that. I'll take the former. Yeah, that sounds right.

5. Yes or No, has Wade Keller ever:

Considered folding the Torch and getting a day job: Day job = work, so NO.

Traded wrestling tapes in the black market in the old days (it's okay, we all have): Being that WWE has threatened me with legal action in the past, I'll plead the fifth.

Shaken Dave Meltzer's hand and thought, "Yeah he's ripped, but what a shrimp!": Yeah, I had to bend down just to shake his hand. Sigh, back then I had lot more respect, but much less money. Today it’s the opposite.

Eaten lunch with Dave Meltzer during courtroom breaks at the 1994 WWF steroid trial: No. During breaks I was balancing my enormous checkbook and thinking up outrageous headlines for my next issue.

Thought in your mind which self-defense moves you'd try if Jim Cornette ever saw you and jumped you from behind: No. I figure I’ll just throw a cheeseburger into the street, he’ll run after it, and get run over. I do that with Mark Madden whenever he gives me lip.

Wanted to be a fly on the wall if Jim Cornette and Bruce Mitchell ever got in a room together: No. I don't think it's a good idea for a fly to be anywhere near a crazy nutcase who wields a tennis racket.

Stared at Missy Hyatt's cleavage: You're forgetting I'm a hardcore liberal. Women are people too. They deserve respect, equality, and power. Hear them roar! Missy Hyatt, you go girl!!

Seen one of the Gagnes shopping at the Mall of America in Minneapolis: I hire people to shop for me. Are you forgetting I'm filthy rich?? All those annoying pop-ups you see on my website are there for a reason. C-A-S-H.

Visited Brooklyn Park, the city Jesse Ventura was once mayor of: My limo has ridden through there, yes.

Wished you were shorter so you wouldn't be so noticeable trying to snap some photos of wrestlers at live shows: Nope. There's nothing about my life I'd change. I have it made. I rake in the dough and have no talent. Tell me you wouldn't want that lifestyle.

Known anyone who went to the same high school that Curt Hennig, Rick Rude, Barry Darsow, and Tom Zenk went to: I don't talk to any of the losers I went to high school with. Those suckers actually studied hard and tried to better themselves through hard work and an honest day's pay. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

Called your cable company and demanded WWE 24/7: Yes, but I disguised my voice.

Seen "Fahrenheit 9/11": Many, many times. I'm a bomb-throwing liberal, everyone knows that.

Gotten offended once during this ridiculous interview: Many, many times. I'm a bomb-throwing liberal, everyone knows that.

Had someone walk in the room when something stupid (like Mae Young kissing Mark Henry) was on the air and ask why you watch that crap: No. People know why I watch that crap, because how else would I make my Ferrari payments.

Had heat with a relative for missing a family event because you had to meet a deadline for your newsletter: Family's a pain in the ass, always wanting this and wanting that. I've bought my family house after house after house, and it's nothing but give give give. Can't these people be bought?

Received a threatening phone call from Jim Cornette: Yes, and I recorded it for when we eventually go to court. He's dead meat, man.

Thought that Bruce Mitchell sounded like a hick: Bruce is my lackey. Can't say anything bad about him. He works cheap, and never complains when I refuse his requests for a raise.

Been a guest speaker in either of Bruce Mitchell's or Chris Zavisa's classrooms: I don't do anything for free. Except this interview, I guess.

Been to White Bear Lake: My life is a constant vacation. Of course I have.

6. We'll ask you the same question we asked Dave Meltzer, and let's see if your responses are similar. In the early 90s, you and Dave were invited to WWE's headquarters in Stamford, CT for a tour and meeting with Vince McMahon. Both you and Dave have been suspiciously tight-lipped about the whole thing, almost as if Vince threatened to put a hit out on you guys if you ever talked about what happened. Come on now, can't you tell us something (anything?) about that whole thing? Curious subscribers wanna know.

I'll just re-iterate what Meltzer wrote. Hell, how do you think I write my newsletter in the first place. Copy Dave, copy Dave, copy Dave.

7. You claim to be the #1 newsletter out there. So does Dave Meltzer with his Wrestling Observer Newsletter. So does Bryan Alvarez with his Figure 4 Weekly newsletter. So does Karl Stern with his Dragon King Press. Damnit, whom are we supposed to believe?

Jesse Ventura once stated that he made the most money of all the announcers, which automatically made him the best announcer. Using that analogy, I'm the #1 newsletter. The bank book doesn't lie. I can buy and sell Meltzer, bury Alvarez in $100 bills, stone Karl to death with 50-cent pieces, and you? The interest in my checking account would be enough for you and your wife to live on for decades. Eat shit and die, Professor.

8. All writers have pet peeves about grammatical errors people make. You and I have both written about some of the ones that bother us. For instance, it used to tick you off when people would say "try and do it" instead of "try TO do it." That bothers me too. Which pet peeve is currently bothering you the most?

Wow, you figured out that I'm anal. My pet peeve now is bank books. When I balance my checkbook, I constantly have to deal with the space they give me. How can I possibly fit 15 digits in the little tiny space where you put your running account total? That was fine back in ’93 when I actually had respect and didn’t make much, but now that I’m filthy rich from all my scams, I need more room to squeeze in all those zeros. Try fitting “$15,000,000" in half an inch of paper.

9. You get asked this all the time, so you might as well answer it here once and for all. Please tell us what happened to these three old Torch columnists:

Chris Zavisa: Realized that being associated with me was ruining his reputation, so he wisely quit to save his dignity.

Eric Kroll: Nerd alert, nerd alert. Who knows and who cares.

Carlie Gill: This was during my "women's movement" phase. As a hardcore liberal, I must always enforce equal opportunity. Carlie was my token female. Who cared if she didn't know a thing about wrestling, she had a vagina.

10. Which do you prefer:

The term "sheets" or the term "rags": Pin me, pay me.

Duluth or Minneapolis: Neither will ever be as wonderful as my dream city: San Francisco, CA. I wanna grab a picket sign, grab a megaphone, and protest my way down Market Street.

Howard Stern or Don Imus: I hated Stern until he started his Bush-bashing, then he became my idol.

Verne Gagne or Greg Gagne: Verne’s a millionaire so I used to be jealous of him. Then I surpassed him, and now he begs me for change. Revenge is so sweet.

Vintage AWA or vintage Mid-South: Neither. I’ll take vintage red wine and a vintage Rolls Royce.

Mark Madden or Jason Powell: They’re both quickly becoming a pain in the ass. Madden kept wanting more money, so I canned his fat ass. And now Powell’s getting the itch for a raise. Don’t these people know they’re interchangeable? I can replace Powell with my 5-year-old nephew tomorrow, and no one would know the difference.

Jesse Ventura the Governor or Jesse Ventura the college professor: How about Jesse Ventura, my limo driver? The secret is out.

Digital cameras or Polaroids: Digital cameras. They make it easier to doctor up fake photos to go with my fake news headlines.

IRA's or SEP's: IRA = I’m Rich, A**hole.

Corporations, S-Corporations, Sole Proprietorships, or LLC's: All of the above.

Fox News Channel or CNN: Isn't Fox the Republican channel? Eww, none for me. Which network airs "Moneyline?" That's my favorite.

Hannity or Colmes: Oh God Alan Colmes is a goober. Hannity looks like a tightwad. But Alan’s the liberal, so I’ll go with him.

Bill O'Reilly or Chris Matthews: He always plugs his cheap, crappy merchandise. He and I have that in common.

Colin Powell or Condie Rice: She is woman, hear her roar.

11. You and I both have something in common: each of the 2 stars in "Predator" became our Governor. Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing an admirable job here in California, which I knew he would and which is why I voted for him. As a Minnesotan, just how bad or good was Jesse Ventura's reign at the top? You'd know better than anyone.

Well he let me get away with tax evasion, so I gotta give him that. Otherwise, he sucked ass. But so do I. And guess what, we’re both rich. And you’re not, so eat it.

12. One of your listeners used to send me tapes of your old radio shows from the early 90s. I thought they were pretty damn good. One show I remember in particular was when Brian "Grand Master Sexay" Christopher called in. You remarked that he was going to be a big star and great talker one day. You would've been right, had Brian not been his own worst enemy. Why do you think he never made it like he should have?

Ummm, the reason he failed is probably his bad attitude and his drug bust.

13. As a longtime resident of Minnesota, you've seen lots of indie guys pass through who eventually went on to bigger and better things. Remember the old PWA and their Wrestle for Shelter shows in Minnesota? Two guys from that scene were Sean Waltman (X-Pac) and Jerry Lynn. Did you ever think either of those guys would become as big as they did, and was there anyone else you saw come through who really made it big?

A couple. It’s so funny, because they’ll all bust their asses and break their bones. Literally, they’d splatter themselves on the concrete, right in front of me as I took pictures. After all those bumps, they’re broke, and I’m filthy rich. God I love America!

To answer your question, no I never thought they'd be big stars. And I'm right, because Waltman only made it because he was friends with Hall, Nash, and HHH. Jerry Lynn was a main eventer with ECW, but that and 25 cents will buy you a bag of chips.

14. Let's play Number Association. Please give us a number for each of the following:

Number of email messages you receive per day: 3,000

Number of pop-ups your average website visitor has to suffer through when visiting pwtorch.com: See previous answer

Percentage of your subscribers who have a VIP pass on your site: Just the really dumb ones. Thank God for them.

Best year you ever had for newsletter subscriptions: 2005. There's a sucker born every minute, so my subscription base literally grows every minute.

Average age of your subscription base: 11. They have no money but they're very good at asking their mommies to send me big checks.

Number of years you've been a wrestling fan: The day I first pleasured myself to my first weekly allowance.

Year you were able to quit your day job and do the Torch full-time: The very first year I started. What are my expenses? Nothing. Real estate is cheap out here because no one in his right mind would live in freezing-ass Minnesota.

Your height, in inches: 80.

Number of cameras you own: 10, but 5 of them have pictures on there that are doctored and could probably get me arrested in some states. So I change my answer. 5.

Number of videotapes you own: 2,000. Oh wait, that arrested thing again. Make that 1,000.

Today's temperature in Minneapolis: Negative 40 degrees. But in my nice, cozy mansion, it’s a comfy 75 degrees.

Mark Madden's weight: Large and in charge. 350 pounds of spunk, baby.

Biggest phone bill you ever had: That time I called Jim Cornette with a phony voice, threatening to be a lawyer.

15. One of the many things I'll give you credit for is indirectly getting Bill Watts fired. Everyone knows the story: Watts made racial remarks in a 1991 Torch book, Mark Madden faxed them to Turner nearly 2 years later, Hank Aaron (a TBS guy in addition to a baseball legend) saw them and was shocked, and eventually Watts had to resign. Thank you SO MUCH for that. Watts' run in WCW was disastrous, and it paved the way for a young Eric Bischoff to take over and eventually lead this business to the biggest boom ever seen. Looking back, what are your thoughts on that whole situation, and do you feel responsible for it in any way?

That was all Mark Madden's doing, so thank him, not me. Bill Watts gets fired, and I benefit. Another boon for me, woo-hoo!

16. Let's play the "Last of Wade Keller." Please tell us the:

Last time Vince McMahon called you: This morning. But only because I called him first and hung up, and he star-69'd me.

Last time someone asked for your autograph: When I walked by the local teenage hangout. They make up the bulk of my subscribers, you know.

Last 5-star match you saw: Anytime that liberal Mick Foley wrestles, it's a 5-star match.

Last time you spoke to Jim Cornette: Ask my lawyer.

Last time you ordered one of Todd Okerlund's PPVs: Last week. I love re-living my youth.

Last time you checked your PO box: Ask my bitch, er, assistant, Jason Powell.

Last time you spoke to Mark Madden: When I ran into him on his way to Jenny Craig.

Last shoot interview you saw (either RFVideo or ROH): Mine. It will be released shortly, earning me even more wads of cash.

Last time someone in the media contacted you for a soundbite on a mainstream wrestling story: They contact me only when they're not able to get a hold of Meltzer first.

Last 900 line update you gave: Wait, do you mean wrestling update or my “How to Scam Kids” update? If you mean wrestling, then 5 years ago.

Last radio show you did: Dr. Laura

Last time you argued with Jason Powell: This morning. He noticed his paycheck was smaller than usual, and he complained. Oh, did I tell you I’ve got an opening for a brand new columnist? Email me for details.

Last time you pulled an all-nighter: On days when the newsletter is at the printer, that's my day off. So last week, I called my accountant, and we stayed up until the wee hours of the night laughing at how badly we cheat the system.

Last time your hard drive crashed: I crash it nightly, on purpose. The Feds have me on their radar, monitoring my scams. Crashing it throws them off.

Last time you sold a Torch t-shirt: I sold one to Mark Madden last month, and it took 6 weeks to make him one that would fit.

17. You live there, so you must know the latest on Brock Lesnar. Any idea on how he's doing, and how much has the local media really covered him ever since he tried getting with the Vikings?

He’s yesterday’s news. I don’t concern myself with real news. There’s no market for real news. All the money’s in tabloids.

18. Really, aren't you freezing? Why not live out here in California where it's nice and warm?

Because then it would look like I'm copying Dave Meltzer even more than I already am.

19. For each of the following years, please tell us which show (Raw or Nitro) had the more entertaining Monday night program:

1995: Big Sexy was the champ. No ka-ching.

1996: HBK was the champ. Slightly more ka-ching.

1997: Bret Hart was the champ. Canadian ka-ching.

1998: Raw. Austin was champ. MAJOR KA-CHING!

1999: Raw. Rock was champ. MAJOR KA-CHING!

2000: Nitro. WCW spiraling downward = easy phony headlines. KA-CHING!

20. You're a journalist, so you must have some opinion on the impending retirements of Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, and Peter Jennings. If so, please share your (brief) thoughts with us.

Brokaw sounds like he's giving oral when he talks. Rather looks like a stiff. But Jennings is a condescending jerk, so he and I have something in common.

21. Okay, last question. In your opinion, who screwed Bret? Thanks a lot for your time, Wade. I've been a longtime subscriber and appreciate all your effort over the years! Hope you enjoyed this silly interview.

I don’t know who screwed Bret, but I know who is screwing America’s youth and gullible people: ME!!

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Okay Wade, we hope we didn't take up too much of your time. Many thanks goes out to Wade Keller and the Pro Wrestling Torch for doing this interview. Knock 'em dead, kid.

Disclaimer: This is a mock interview. Wade didn't really answer these questions. We did. But we know it's what Wade would say.

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