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Mock My Brain:

Simon Diamond

Former ECW/TNA Superstar

January 6, 2005 

Our first Mock My Brain victim is none other than Simon Diamond.  Simon was a good little wrestler who made his name in ECW.  When ECW went under, WWE did the right thing and didn't sign Simon, so he floundered on the indie scene before NWA TNA started up and wanted to get in the business of losing lots of money. 

Booker Jeff Jarrett has constantly been changing poor Simon's ring name.  Is he Simon Diamond?  Or Irish Pat Kenney?  Or the Empire Saint?  No one knows, and no one cares, because it's TNA. 

So let's hear it from the horse's mouth.  Here now, is Simon Diamond, in all his shining glory.

Disclaimer: This is a mock interview.  Simon Diamond didn't really answer these questions.  We did.  But we know it's what Simon would say.

1.  First things first, please use this opportunity to plug anything you'd like and introduce yourself to those who may not be familiar with NWA TNA or ECW.

Look, stop asking me about Dawn Marie.  Yes, we broke up.  But I'm so OVER her.  Time to move on.  Oh wait, you asked me a different question.  Sorry.  Plug anything I want?  Hell yeah, I wanna plug Dawn Marie.  I miss her, you know.  But I'm SO over her.

2.  OK, so whose idea was this "Irish" Pat Kenney gimmick, and please tell us it's only temporary?

That idiot Jeff Jarrett was the genius who came up with it.  The good news is that the gimmick is already over with.  The bad news is that the next gimmick is even worse than that one.  Wait, don't print what I said about Jeff Jarrett.  It might hurt my push.

3.  My neighbor pitched for the San Diego Padres in the 70s.  In an ideal world, would you rather be catching for the Padres or main eventing WrestleManias?

Neither is going to happen in my lifetime.  I'd love to be a pitcher, but I've become both a pitcher and a catcher in my personal life so it's all good.  Oops, was that out loud? 

4.  I got to meet the late Dennis Coraluzzo at a convention in Cherry Hill, NJ once, and he was a very nice guy.  What is your fondest memory of Dennis, and how instrumental was he in getting your career off the ground?

One time at a bar, we both got really smashed and passed out.  I don't know what happened next, but we woke up in the same bed together.  So I'd like to give you a fond memory, but I don't remember anything about that night.

5.  Please fill in the blanks:

-In real life, the nicest guy backstage at NWA TNA is Trinity.  Wait, you said "guy."  Oh okay, same answer.

-The best version of the 4 Horsemen was the one with Paul Roma.  He's dreamy.

-The best year of the Wargames was 1992.  Lots and lots of blood.

-The wrestling promotion that paid me the best was ECW.  They gave me the best salary, but they never actually paid me.

-The smartest man in wrestling is Jeff Jarrett.  Anyone who can convince a multi-million dollar corporation to pay him nearly $200,000 a year while not drawing a penny is a very, very smart man.

-My favorite Ric Flair promo is when he introduced Paul Roma as the newest member of the Horsemen.  Ooh, hot hot hot!!

-During the Monday Night Wars, I usually found myself watching more of ESPN.  Baseball is my first love, but it didn't work out.  Wrestling is my second love, and that doesn't seem to be working out either.

-Paul Heyman looks 100 years old.

-The TNA wrestler who gets the most ass backstage after the show is me.  Wait, do you mean male or female ass?  My answer depends on which you mean.

-Besides yourself, the TNA wrestler with the most main event potential is Monty Brown.  Why would you even say "besides yourself?"  Even I realize that I don't have main event potential.  Helloooo.

6.  I was actually in attendance for Spike Dudley's debut match, when he wrestled in San Jose as Matt Hyson for Ron Hed's "Father's Day Bash" in 1994.  He's a great guy, of course.  But still, when you looked around the ECW locker room in 2000, didn't you think the last person who would still be with WWE in 2004, out of everyone there, was Spike Dudley??

That's a good point.  Wonders never cease.  What's next, he gets to date Dawn Marie too?

7.  Please answer the following statements with True, False, or I Don't Know:

-Mike Tenay dislikes Vince Russo legit: True.  No one liked Russo.  To be fair, no one likes Tenay, either.

-AJ Styles looks like a typical frat boy at VCU: True.  Except the frat boys were taller.

-Dawn Marie has complained to you about Paul Heyman's breath: Dude, I'm so over her.  Knock it off.  And yes, she did.

-Dawn Marie has complained to you about Al Wilson's breath: Dawn Marie, Dawn Marie, Dawn Marie.  That's all I hear.  And yes, she did.  To be fair, she has also complained about mine.

-Dixie Carter really knows her stuff: If by "stuff" you mean "how to lose money," then True.

-Panda Energy is with TNA for the long haul: I'm lucky if they stick around by the time I finish this sentence.

-You don't want Hulk Hogan in TNA, but if it means Vince Russo has to leave, then you're all for it: I'd do pretty much anything to get Russo to leave.

-When you played baseball, the other guys on the team thought you were lame for liking phony pro wrestling: No, they thought I was lame because I was lame.

-You've seen Johnny Swinger nude: That's a no-brainer.

-You wish Glen Gilbertti would just go away already: Ditto.

-As a catcher in baseball, you've smelled your share of gas-passing: Oh God yes.  Oh wait, I thought you wrote "ass-passing."  In that case, yeah, a little.

-Chris Harris' ears are way too big for his head: Yes, and so is his ego.  Oh wait, which head are you talking about?

-When Dutch Mantel wears a shirt, you can see his back hair poking out through his rear collar: It pokes through the collar, sleeve, and even through the clothing material itself.  It's a real turn-on if you ask me.

-Now that Don Callis has his MBA, he probably makes more than any of the guys in the locker room except for Jeff Jarrett: No.  We all can't draw flies, but we make really good money.  I told you, Panda is really good at losing money.  Best in the business since Ted Turner.

-Without his dread locks, Road Dogg Jesse James looks like Randy Quaid from National Lampoon's "Vacation" movies with Chevy Chase: Now that you mention it, yes.

8.  Rob Feinstein is someone you've known in the business for many years.  Briefly, what is your take on the NWA TNA/ROH fiasco?

I'm behind Rob 100%.  You can take that sexual innuendo for what it's worth.

9.  Have you ever heard of Word Association?  Well here we like to play NUMBER Association.  The rules are self-explanatory:

-Number of PPV buys NWA TNA is doing every week: We're not doing weekly PPVs anymore, which means the buys weren't that many.  I know I used to buy them every week, so that's 1 right there.  Plus Johnny Swinger, that's 2. 

-Cost per week of one hour of time on Fox Sports Net: If I answered this, the Panda stock holders would revolt.

-Number of days a week you actually get to see Dawn Marie: In my dreams, nightly.  In real life, never.  But it's okay, because I'm so over her.

-Amount of money Paul Heyman owes you: About the same as what we spend for one hour of time on Fox Sports Net.

-Number of dogs you own: Three.  Minus Dawn Marie, two.

-Number of times you appeared on TV during your stint with WCW: A very round number (zero).

-Number of internet interviews you've done where the name "Dawn Marie" has NOT come up: See previous answer.

-Percentage of TNA wrestlers who have tried to pick up on the TNA dancer girls: 99.9%  I, however, want nothing to do with them.

-Joel Gertner's IQ: Before ECW: 150.  After ECW: 50.

-Dusty Rhodes' cholesterol level: Hovering around 300.

-Number of autographs you sign per week: See answer on the "Number of times I've been on WCW TV" question.

10. Over here in California, NWA TNA will come on at Fridays at noon.  The last time wrestling was on cable in the afternoon was when Joe Pedecino and Boni Blackstone treated us to the Global Wrestling Federation.  Before that, it was the Von Erichs and Freebirds reruns on ESPN.  Did Jeff Jarrett even consider that everyone is either working or in school at 12pm, or does he somehow think the entire West Coast just doesn't matter?

Well it switches to 4pm this Friday.  HA!  And you thought we had a bad time slot!

11. Which do you prefer:

-Johnny Swinger's pecs of steel or Dusty Rhodes' man-boobs: I've felt both, and would have to go with Dusty.  Soft, moist, and there's just more of him to love.

-Working at Pepsi or working as a personal trainer: Whatever pays the bills.

-Simon Diamond or Irish Pat Kenney: Neither.

-Ric Flair with long hair or Ric Flair with the "wet" look: I'll take him anyway I can get him.

-Tully & Arn in NWA or Tully & Arn in WWF: Tully & Arn in TNA.

-JJ Dillon or Hiro Matsuda: Hiro.  Weird Asian fetish I have.

-Howard Stern or Don Imus: Johnny Swinger and I don't get up that early.

-Hannity or Colmes: Both.

-Bush or Kerry: Bush.  This is wrestling, after all.

-Nikita Koloff or Nikolai Volkoff: Ivan Drago.

-Rock N Roll Express or Midnight Express: I'll take 'em all.  Throw in Cornette, too.

-Baby Doll or Precious: Neither.

-The Observer or Torch: The Torch is still around?  Get out!  Really??

-C.W. Post or C.W. Anderson: How about C.W. Diamond.  Hell, anything is better than Empire Saint.  Help me, please.

-Cheesy goatees or manly beard stubble: The stubble.  I like it rough.

12. If Dawn Marie gets paired up with Rene Dupree, how soon before she slaps him for putting the moves on her?

Well she's a free woman now, so she'll probably like it.  How about that, I lost my girl to a friggin' teenager.

13. In 10 words or less, what went through your mind when you heard the following people passed away:

-Dennis Coraluzzo: One less indie payday.

-"Flyboy" Rocco Rock: Wished I could've wrestled him.

-Junkyard Dog: A childhood hero of mine.

-Curt Hennig: I once caught his gum after he slapped it into the audience.

-Andre the Giant: Can drink with the best of 'em.

-Owen Hart: World champion ribber.

-Eddie Gilbert: Probably banged Dawn Marie, too.

-Art Barr: Should've been a big star.

-Hercules: Nice guy.

-Rick Rude: (drools), um, I was a big fan of his.

-Wahoo McDaniel: Could whip anybody's ass.

-John Ritter: Funniest man alive.

14. Let's play "Where Were You?"  We give you a famous event, and you tell us where you were at the time it happened:

-Hogan slams Andre at the Pontiac Silverdome: Watched it with all the other bat boys.

-Vince screws Bret: Wishing Paul E. wouldn't watch it and get any ideas.

-Ole turns on Dusty at the Omni: Was so mad I threw my fanny pack into the ring.

-Ole kicks Sting out of the Horsemen: My knee hurts just thinking about it.

-Flair pins Steamboat to win his 6th title, and then judge Terry Funk jumps him: I really thought Flair broke his neck that night.  I'm such a mark.

-Shane Douglas wins the ECW title, changes "Eastern" to "Extreme," throws down the NWA belt, and double-crosses your friend, Dennis Coraluzzo at the ECW Arena: I was watching Dennis' jaw drop a mile wide.

-The Horsemen attack Dusty in the parking lot in the famous "Make it good!" baseball bat angle: We're thinking of doing that in TNA, complete with the Make it Good quote.  We're determined to go out of business, and damnit, we're gonna do it.

-Mark McGwire breaks the home run record in 1998: That could've been me...

-Ivan Koloff pins Superstar Billy Graham: Could hear a pin drop in the arena.

-Jesse Ventura is elected Governor of Minnesota: Wrestling had truly peaked.

-David Shultz slaps John Stossel on "20/20:" Wish I could've slapped him too.

-Larry Zbysko breaks Bruno Sammartino's neck: I sent him flowers.

-Hulk Hogan turns heel & joins the nWo: Look out money, we're gonna draw you.

15. How's this for a booking idea?  You and Swinger get back together, go on some sort of losing streak, and you guys tease friction and tension.  Then you guys do an interview and say that because of your slump, you've gone out and hired a famous "tag team consultant."  This person knows all about tag team wrestling and will get you guys back on track.  You then bring out Tully Blanchard as this great consultant, and he manages you guys to the tag team championship, and you and Swinger go on to become one of the great tag teams in NWA TNA history.  Would you do it?

Are you paying attention?  We want to go out of business.  No interesting angles allowed.

16. When you walk down the street hand-in-hand with Dawn, do you ever look at men walking toward you and notice how their eyes are just fixated on her?  How annoying is that?

You're half right.  I'm looking at the men walking toward me.  And it's not annoying, I like looking at them.

17. If it is true that our mouths permanently contain the germs of everyone we have ever kissed in our lives, then does that mean you've made out with Torrie's father, Al Wilson? 

All right!!!!  Good point!!  That's fantastic!!

18. It's just a matter of time before you're called up to WWE.  Honestly, I think your career is just fine where it is now, and you're better off without them.  Johnny Ace is now in charge of talent relations; do you have a good relationship with him, or have you never met him before?

You think my career is just fine?  Dude, what are you ON?? 

19. NWA TNA is losing thousands of dollars every week.  Logic says the company should try to cut costs as much as possible.  What has been the biggest waste of money incurred by NWA TNA thus far?

A. The TNA dancer girls (already gone, thankfully)

B. Hiring Vince Russo, which is akin to hiring termites to build your house

C. Lex Luger's pathetic slo-mo performances

D. Jeremy Borash, doing his best to make TNA look professional by dressing like a mall-rat teenager

E. Red Shirt Security

F. The Harris twins, who remind everyone of the dying days of WCW

G. David Young & Glenn Gilbertti

H. Hiring an interpreter to decipher Roddy Piper's interviews

I. Don West, when you could just use Scott Hudson and have a better product anyway

J. Bob Ryder, hero to all internet marks who know nothing about wrestling

K. Paying Sting to wrestle without even advertising him ahead of time

L. Jonny Fairplay, who generated all of one newspaper story for TNA

M. Flying Jeff Jarrett to Japan for an angle with Hogan that went nowhere

N. The video wall used for ring entrances.  Really, would anyone notice if it was gone?

O. Trinity, Goldilocks, and Traci

P. Other

Q. I'm afraid to answer for fear of losing my job

P.  Biggest waste of TNA money?  You're talkin' to him.  Although (B) is close.

20. Who is the most annoying Jesus freak you've ever been around?

A. AJ Styles

B. Nikita Koloff

C. Sting

D. Lex Luger

E. Road Warrior Hawk

F. Superstar Billy Graham

G. Ted DiBiase

H. Tully Blanchard

I. Matt Cappotelli

J. Jake Roberts

K. Marc and Rena Mero

L. Shawn Michaels

M. Reverend Slick

N. Reverend D-Von

O. Eddy Guerrero

P. Other

Q. I'm afraid to answer for fear of going to Hell

Definitely Q. 

21. Finally, thank you for agreeing to do this ridiculous interview.  What can your fans expect from you on Fox Sports Net and the rest of 2004?

You can expect to see me change my ring names another hundred times and jobbing in the openers.

--------------------------- 

Whew, Simon gave us a great interview!  Thanks goes out to Simon Diamond and to TNA for letting him do it.  You guys rock!!

Disclaimer: This is a mock interview.  Simon didn't really answer these questions.  We did.  But we know it's what Simon would say.