1.  OK, first things first.  Clear the air: Why did you drop out of an

Ivy League university to work for ECW, and do you have any regrets about that decision?

 

Look at me now; of course I regret it.  I was lucky enough to have been born into a rich family, and got into college largely based on their net worth.  They paid for 3 years worth of my costly education… and then I pissed it all away to work ECW spot show gigs for $40 a pop. 

 

At the time, it was an easy choice.  School sucked, and I was doing well in my role in ECW.  Years later, my decision paid off, as ECW got cable TV and I was a household name in households that watched ECW.  I was riding high atop the Monday night wars, soaking in all the fame and glory. 

 

And then reality set in.  ECW went out of business, and I was out of work.  No college degree, no nothing.  WWE wouldn’t hire me, and neither would anyone else.  I guess Mom and Dad were right.  The Quintessential Studmuffin had been ceremoniously dumped by a woman named “real life.”

 

And I’m your host, from Joel “I chose to drop out of an Ivy League school, and then learned how life can be so cruel” Gertner.

 

 

2.  Was there ever any resentment from the boys in the back that you

never trained, hardly took a bump, weren't in shape, yet had hundreds of fans

chanting your name in unison and were more over than some of them were?

 

No, because they knew that they had real futures in this business, and that I’d be unemployed the second ECW went under.  And guess what?  They were right.  Sucks to be me.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “I never took a bump in my life, except for that time I got slapped by your wife” Gertner.

 

 

3.  It was never a shock to me that ECW’s ratings on TNN could never get past the 1.0 mark.  Every show seemed to spend 20 minutes getting non-wrestling talent over and  started out the same: You spewed obscenities, Cyrus cut you off, you two put up your dukes but never touched, and then cut to commercial.  That is quite a contrast from the groundbreaking innovation of the 1994-1995 era of ECW TV shows.  Was this obvious to you too, or were you too happy in your role to notice?

 

If common sense were obvious to me, do you think I would’ve dropped out of an Ivy League college in the first place? 

 

And I’m your host, Joel “Such bad aim in the bathroom it’s hard to keep from squirtin’ her” Gertner.

 

 

4.  Don Callis aka Cyrus got the PPVs, and you got the TV shows.  Now that you're no longer working together, be honest and tell us what you really thought about Don's commentating abilities compared to yours. 

 

How can Don and I be working together if I’m not even working at all?  Don was smart and went back to school to get his MBA.  Thus, he is employed.  The only time he and I will work together again is if I one day have to park his car.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “I once had the crowd in the palm of my hand, and now I live with Mom and Dad” Gertner.

 

 

5.  How did you prepare for your Japanese Hardcore Wrestling PPVs?

 

a) Studied old videotapes of FMW and IWA – Nah, I had to sell all my tapes to make last month’s rent

b) Went back and read archives of Chris Zavisa's year-in-review columns

in the Pro Wrestling Torch yearbooks – Nah, those are in Mom and Dad’s attic, and they don’t let me in the house anymore.

c) Consulted with Abdullah the Butcher over the phone for an hour and tried

not to laugh at his whiny, high-pitched voice – I don’t know Abdullah, but at this rate, I’ll probably look like him in another year.

d) Jumped in a bathtub full of thumb tacks to get an appreciation of the

pain those guys go through – Nah, I don’t bathe.

e) Just winged it, since hardly anyone ordered that PPV anyway – Bingo.  Speaking of bingo, and the halls they are played in, I sure miss ECW.

 

I did the same preparation I did for my post-ECW career: zilch. 

 

And I’m your host, Joel “I’ll make all the girls’ panties wet, and take any low-paying gig I can get” Gertner.

 

 

6.  Is it true you once met Howard Finkel at a WWF show at MSG, and if

so, what did the conversation between two of wrestling's best ring announcers

consist of?

 

Yes, but back then I was a nobody, had no name in the business, and didn’t have a job in the business.  No one knew who I was.  It was yesterday.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “The world’s biggest heartthrob who simply wants to take Lillian Garcia’s job” Gertner.

 

 

7.  Before you managed the Dudleys, you were ECW timekeeper and ring

announced some classic ECW lucha matches in Spanish.  Do you speak

Spanish, or did you learn just enough for the ring intro's? 

 

“Learning” is not in vocabulary; if it was, I’d have finished college.  Of course I don’t speak Spanish.  I just know the basics: “Yo necesito un trabajo.”

 

And I’m your host, Joel “I may not know Spanish, but after ECW died, I sure knew how to vanish” Gertner.

 

 

8.  Grade the following managers, F being lowest, A+ being highest:

 

Well, if the grades are anything like I received during my last semester in college, then it’s all F’s.  Nevertheless, here goes.

 

Jim Cornette: A+.  He never went to college, and still made it.  I’m jealous.

Bobby Heenan: A+.  When I wore that neckbrace, I was copying Heenan.

Jimmy Hart: B.  Well he does work for Hogan, so make that an “A.”  I’ll kiss the ass of anyone who’s hiring right now.

Paul E. Dangerously: A+.  I owe my 15 minutes of fame to him.

Judge Mike Jones: F.  Overrated a**hole.  Thank goodness his career bombed after ECW died too, or else I’d be even more jealous than I already am.

Bill Alfonso: D.  Yells too much, and has a job.  If you have a job, I automatically hate you.

Rico: A.  I should’ve played a queer.  Maybe then WWE would have hired me.

Coach (John Tolos): F.  All I remember is that f*ckin annoying whistle of his.  Reminded me of gym class.

Paul Bearer: A.  At least he had the decency to do a Pick My Brain with you, unlike me.

Slick: B.  If he can call himself a doctor (of style) without going to school, then maybe I should too.  Dr. Gertner, I like the sound of that.  Ok ladies, who needs their breasts examined?

Virgil: C.  I wish I had my own Ted DiBiase to fall back on.  But “Virgil” sounds like “virgin,” and we all know how I love those.  Come to papa, ladies, Joel’s gonna pop that cherry. 

Gary Hart: C.  I think I kept my job even longer than he did.

Paul Ellering: A.  That man was smart.  He took a percentage of the Road Warriors’ salary, and was set for life.  Why didn’t I think of that?  I could be taking a piece of Team 3-D’s action if I had done that.  Hey D-Von, get the tables… and my paycheck.

Johnny V: D.  A fat guy calling himself “luscious?”  How ridiculous.  And that’s coming from a fat guy who called himself the Quintessential Studmuffin.

Mr. Fuji: F.  That creep couldn’t even speak English and still got a job with WWE.

Sir Oliver Humperdinck: C.  The red-headed, uglier version of me.

JJ Dillon: A.  James, are you hiring?

 

And I’m your host, Joel “I got a huge pop at ECW One Night Stand, and the very next morning, I was canned” Gertner.

 

 

9.  Not many people manage to get their company's name mentioned in TV

Guide, but you did.  Was Paul Heyman elated, or furious, at your

comment on Kennedy's death and the negative media response to it?

 

Elated.  He loved the publicity.  I have that TV Guide incident on my resume, and still no takers.  What gives?

 

And I’m your host, Joel “My Kennedy joke may have been tasteless, but the taste of my semen is priceless” Gertner.

 

 

10.  Who was the first wrestler you ever managed in your career?

 

I don’t remember.  But whoever it was, he’s probably doing better than I am.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “Twinkle twinkle little star, oh how I wonder what the f*ck ever happened to me” Gertner.

 

 

11.  Did you ever have any checks bounce, and does ECW owe you any

money?

 

I bounce checks all the time.  Oh wait, you mean checks that I write or that were written to me? 

 

And I’m your host, Joel “The checks I write might bounce like a ball, but if it’s real bouncing you need (wink wink), just give me a call” Gertner.

 

 

12.  What is the best match you ever saw in ECW?

 

Me against life.  Life won.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “Scratch my back and I’ll stab yours, and if you’ve got 5 bucks, I’ll scrub your floors” Gertner.

 

 

 Grade the following ring announcers, F being the lowest, A+ being the highest:

 

Howard Finkel: A+.  We’re both finks.

Gary Michael Capetta: C.  That little twerp made a lot more money in this business than I ever did.  C stands for “celos,” which is Spanish for “jealous,” which is what I am of him.

Michael Buffer: D.  The guy got rich of one stupid catch phrase, “Let’s get ready to rumble.”  I spent hours developing tons of catch phrases, and I can’t afford to do my laundry.  What’s wrong with that picture?

Jimmy Lennon: A.  Boxing, eh?  Perhaps I should try that sport, since wrestling seems to not want anything to do with me.

Rhubarb Jones: F.  He had careers in both radio AND wrestling, so he beat me at two of my own games. 

Bob Eucker: That’s a joke, right?  He thinks he can walk in to wrestling and immediately be an announcer?  How would he like it if I walked on the set of “Mr. Belvedere” and immediately became a cast member?

Mike McGuirk: A+.  Chicks with guys’ names are hot.

Mel Phillips: A+. Hey Mel, come molest ME!

Tony Gilliam: D.  Has my life come to this, when my peers are people like Tony Gilliam and Rhubarb Jones?

Bob Artese: B.  He was in ECW when I started, and I sort of took his job.  I feel bad about that. 

 

And I’m your host, Joel “I took a bump from JBL at ECW One Night Stand, just before he beat the crap out of Blue Meanie (for real) with his bare hands” Gertner.

 

 

14.  You really popularized your Joel "(insert funny rhyme)" Gertner

trademark promos, and to my knowledge, pulled off each one without

messing up.  How hard was it to think of those jokes several times a week, and did any of them ever bomb to the live audience?

 

Yes, but that’s what post production editing is for.  Man, I sure wish we could go back and edit my life, too. 

 

And I’m your host, Joel “If the cream really does always rise to the top, then prepared to feel something in your mouth about to pop” Gertner.

 

 

15.  ECW had a big following, a solid product, and successful video game, yet drew average to below-average ratings, didn't draw a whole lot of PPV buys, and was deeply in debt.  What makes Jerry Jarrett think people will pay to watch his show every week, when ECW struggled to get viewers to watch them for free?

 

Because he’s a f*cking idiot.  Any other questions?

 

And I’m your host, Joel “The Jarretts might be dumb as clay, but I’d still love to work for TNA” Gertner.

 

 

16.  Trivia time: Tell us one thing about Joel Gertner we’d probably be surprised to know.  (For example, a lot of people don’t know that the first person Jim Cornette ever managed was Sherri Martel.) 

 

I once worked for ECW.  It may not surprise you to know that, but it sure stumps the f*ck out of me how that ever happened.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “If your wife ever came my way, then odds are her mouth is full of my DNA” Gertner.

 

 

17.  How long do you give each of the following before they are out of

business?

 

XWF: Already out of business.

WWA: Aren’t they in Mexico?  Who cares?  Que importa?

Jerry Jarrett: If they hire me, they’ll never go out of business.  Guys?  What do you say??

Lloyd's of London: As long as they stop insuring wrestlers, they stand a fighting chance.

Paul Heyman's lawyers: They went belly up a long time ago.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “I kiss the girls and make them die, and then aim my love potion straight for their eye,” Gertner.

 

 

18.  If you do get a spot in the WWE, let's say alongside a serious announcer

like Jim Ross, would you alter your comedic style to fit in, or stick to your schtick?

 

This is WWE; do you really think they’d give me a choice??

 

And I’m your host, Joel “As creepy as Lawler but nowhere near as rich, and if you ask me nicely, I’ll scratch your vaginal itch,” Gertner.

 

 

19.  You joked in recent interviews that you lost weight because ECW never sent you checks.  What do you really credit your successful weight loss to, and have you been able to keep the weight off?

 

Because ECW never sent me checks.  What made you think I was joking?

 

And I’m your host, Joel “If you wanna gain some weight, ask me out on a date, and I’ll make you a protein shake” Gertner.

 

 

20.  Wade Keller once flattered you during a Nitro TV review several years ago.  When the Giant was doing his gimmicked ring announcing as part of the nWo, Wade wrote that he was doing "his best Joel Gertner impersonation."  How did that make you feel, and don't you think Paul Wight should be trying to impersonate your weight-loss rituals and work ethic instead of your ring introductions?

 

I don’t know, but last week our local newspaper ran a story on our unemployment division, and the reporter said everyone standing in line was doing their best Joel Gertner impersonation.  That’s not cool.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “Unemployed and uncircumcised, well rested and super energized” Gertner.

 

 

21.  Do you and "Iron" Mike Sharpe ever sit down together and talk about what it's like to wear medical injury recovery devices (a neck brace for you, a forearm brace for him) seemingly forever while the injuries never seem to heal?

 

It’s called sympathy sex; try getting some.  Your neck will be jerkin’ from so much bedroom action that you really will need a neck brace.  Now shut up and stop spoiling my gimmick.

 

And I’m your host, Joel “If you think I had whiplash, then try me on for size, for you will soon see that it wasn’t whiplash that hurt my neck, but too many Space Mountain rides” Gertner. 

 

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