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jswift@student.highlands.edu

October 1, 2007


MMA is all about secrecy; much like some subterfuge, underground cult, the practices of the upper echelon fighters are often shrouded and well hidden from the general public. Of these rituals, perhaps the most notorious is the art of cutting weight.
Cutting weight is essentially losing a whole lot of weight in a short amount of time and then quickly regaining said weight immediately afterwards.

The result is a fighter goes into a bout about twenty or thirty pounds heavier than his adversary, and there isn’t squat the athletic commission can say about it. Not one word.

Now, there are many physicians out there that believe that the practice of weight cutting is an extremely dangerous endeavor that should not be attempted by anyone for any reason at all.

Well, Dr. Jimbo disagrees with that assertion.

You see, as an amateur fighter myself, I know all too well the sheer mind boggling fun that is weight cutting. Because of this, I have a newfound respect for the human body; who’d thunk that you can drop double digits in a matter of hours using only a couple of garbage bags, a stationary bike, and convectional heat?

The hardest part, in all seriousness, isn’t the cutting part. That’s pretty easy, since all you have to do is sweat and lots of it. The real challenge comes in regaining all those pounds; there’s only so many simple carbohydrates and cherry sports drink a man can consume before heaving like a school girl on a tilt-a-whirl. Any skinny guy will tell you how hard it is to metabolize poundage, and nothing sucks worse than going into battle feeling like your carrying a ten pound bag of hoagies in your stomach.

That’s why I admire guys like Matt Hughes and Tito Ortiz, whom have this thing down to a science. Those two guys can drop and add about twenty in a day. Go back and watch the Hughes/ Penn fight from UFC 63. Matt looks like he outweighs BJ by about 30 pounds, and that’s probably because he did.

Cutting weight is beneficial only if you’re good at it. Amateurs like me can go about plus or minus 10 pounds, tops, and even then I’m groggy, exhausted, and one solar plexus shot away from barfing on the mat.

So, if you’re still interested in going the hardcore route, I’ll give you ten vital pointers. Remember, I am not in any way shape or form a medical expert, so if you try these and die, neither myself, Armpit Parodies Incorporated, or any of our sponsors can be held responsible for your demise.

Besides, if you die trying to lose four pounds in an hour, that’s just Mother Nature’s way of saying “You suck, time to get out of the gene pool, you wimp.”

Rule #1: Stick to cardio.

There are some morons out there that try to cut weight utilizing a full workout regiment. That mean cardio, weight lifting, and conditioning. It also means a potential ride in the back of a hearse, so if you’re going to dry out, stick to the cardio work and every hour or so take a breather. An hour on a speed bike never killed anybody, but an hour on a speed bike, after an hour doing bench presses, after an hour of stair suicides just might have you shaking hands with Hitler and Benoit before you know it.

 
Rule #2: Saunas…there not just for homoerotic encounters anymore.

If you have a membership to a gym with a sauna, well lucky you. I say take full advantage of it. There’s nothing sweeter to a fighter’s ears than the sound of dropping pounds without having to move a muscle, and saunas are a good way to rest while still dripping off ounces. Can’t afford a sauna? Try some good old fashioned American ingenuity: My sensei welded an actual bike to the frame of a 1978 Oldsmobile with the interior ripped out.

Add the midday sun to that equation and you have yourself the ultimate iron- cast weight-cutting device.

Rule #3: Plan in advance

It’s a whole lot easier to cut weight when you know how much room you have to work with on a metabolic level. I can drop about five in a day simply by fasting, so my metabolic rate is about average. If I need to drop, oh, say about 15 in a couple of days, I’ll begin that week by cutting my caloric intake to about a quarter of my usual intake, the second day I’ll fast, and on judgment day, I only have to spend a few hours working out before I hit critical mass. Figure out what your limits are and work them into your strategy.

Rule #4: Forced starvation…you think Kate Moss could be an Ultimate Fighter?

What do you eat when you cut weight? Well, let’s see, you’re trying to lose weight, so what do you think you eat? That’s right, nothing.

And keep your water breaks to a minimum. And cut your hair while your at it.

That won’t help you lose weight, but I’m sick of kids running around today with those dumb emo hair dos. Either grow it out all long and awesome or stop looking like Edward Scissorhands, you no-talent schmuck. And that was my mandatory anti-emo culture rant for the day. Remember, only you can prevent My Chemical Romance.
Rule #5: Doing your best Rosie impersonation

As stated earlier, the hardest part of cutting isn’t actually achieving the desired weight loss, but rather packing it all back on afterwards. It’s way easier to empty a drawer than it is to fill it up with stuff, and the human body works the same way. The best way to accumulate weight is through mass carbohydrate-loading. Eat as many starches as your gut will allow you, and try to drink sports drink instead of water (it hydrates while simultaneously providing you with sugars). That weight-gain powder doesn’t work, and protein takes too long. Glucose is clearly the way to go here.

Rule #6: Don’t over do it

What good does yo-yoing weight do if you’re too tired and sluggish to fight? That’s right, it doesn’t, so know your boundaries. It’s better to go into a fight a few ounces under than it is plus ten and exhausted, so play it smart, you big dummy.

Rule #7: Investment banking

Buy a whole bunch of vinyl suits in advance. Nothing is lamer than having to use garbage bags, and those things can leave some nasty rashes. If all else fails, just throw on a couple of extra layers of clothes and be done with it.

Rule #8: Watch what you eat

I don’t expect you to go to the extremes of some fighters (like our good friend the Muscle Shark, whom eats freaking baby food to lower his caloric intake. Seriously, if you’re having to diet like Robocop to make weight, you’ve taken it too far). That being said, watch your calories. Diet sodas are a godsend, and you can eat plenty of salad (preferably baby spinach and herb mixes) by the bucket and consume only a dozen or so calories. Yeah, you’ll miss pizza, but as Mike Goldberg is fond of stating “So you want to be an Ultimate Fighter…”

Rule #9: Maintain a homeostatic body weight

If you fight at 125, try to stay about 130 or under. We’re talking day one stuff here, folks. Seriously, why should you listen to some fruit like Richard Simmons? He’s never made a Japanese kick boxer tap to a kimura. I have, so who would you trust with dietary advice?

Rule #10: Aw, fudge it…just get fat instead.

Can’t handle the pressure of weight cutting? Just weigh 260 something instead. Maybe you’ll get a K1 deal. They’re always looking for fatties to get trounced by jiu-jitsu guys, so maybe you’ll have a career after all.

So there you have it. You are now medically cleared for the ultimate crash diet. Now, let’s talk about book deals. How come some pansy like Dr. Atkins made a gazillion dollars off his diet, which frankly, is way more dangerous than mine, while I have to sit here and type up articles on a public computer? It’s not fair, darn it. It just isn’t fair, I tell you.

(WARNING: The above is a parody and not intended for actual dietary use. Some of the advice dispensed can be harmful, or even deadly if used under the wrong supervision. Always consult a physician before beginning any diet…you big wimp. Cluck, cluck! What are you, afraid to sweat out a few pounds? Look at me, I’m worried that cutting weight might be harmful. Maybe later I can put on a tutu and prance down gumdrop lane wearing rainbow shoes made out of unicorn smiles. Ah, can it, you big fatty.)