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Every week, we will re-post classic Jimbo columns from the past.  Jimbo wrote several memorable columns for us in 2005 and 2006, and you'll slowly but surely see them archived here at The Armpit.  Enjoy.

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June 12, 2006

 

Boy, the Internet Wrestling Community needs an enema. Remember back in the day when we used to get, you know, excited, about wrestling? Well, it seems as if those glory days are all over, and somehow, what was once the proudest, most ferociously loyal sub-society of Internet trolls on the web has transformed into a communion of lethargic, jaded butt munches that do nothing but nit pick and piss upon people that aren't as disenchanted and pissed off as they are.

Okay, I admit, I do a lot of bitching, bellyaching, moaning, and pissing myself, but it's hard to not have a negative outlook on the wrestling world, right?

Wrong.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to say that there's never been a better time frame in pro wrestling history than right now. And, yes I mean it.

Just to counteract all of you snubs out there that spend all of your free time talking about how much the state of the industry sucks, I've decided to bring some yin to your yang and create a list of the 50 best things about wrestling today. And if you disagree with me, you hate wrestling, America, and apple pie…you communist bastard.

50.)    The WWE's tape library
Although the current product is about as entertaining as watching grass dry or paint grow, there's no understating just how awesome the tape library of Vince and Co. is. They've got everything associated with ECW, WCW and NWA on hand and can score some prima videos from the international market on a whim, resulting in truly kick-ass DVDS like the Ric Flair, Eddie Guerrero, and Chris Benoit sets. Though the future may seem sketchy, at least we know the past will be kept safe and sound.

49.)   Shawn Michaels
For being broken, bruised, and at an age most wrestlers are considered done with, is still one of the best workers in the business. Jesus! What a performer.  

48.)    Ring of Honor
For bringing old school wrestling back to the forefront and delivering an experience that almost replicates what good old ECW used to feel like. That, plus the black and red color scheme compliment each other nicely.

47.)    Alex Shelley
One of the most talented young lions in North America, he has a top notch assortment of wrestling skills, rules on the mic, and actually makes Kevin Nash watch-able. The nest Jericho/Van Dam.

46.)   Shelton Benjamin
The big breakout star the WWE refuses to push to the top of the company…although one day, he will be THE man in the company. One of the most amazing talents I've ever seen. Plus, there ain't no stopping him, now.

45.)   Mike Tenay and Joey Styles (tie)
Can you say "dream announce team"?

43.)   Chris Benoit
He may be getting on up there in age, but he's unquestionably THE definitive technical wrestler of the last ten years, and given the proper opponent, can still show up the entire freaking WWE roster.

42.)   Kurt Angle
Long story short…if you don't love Kurt Angle with the seem intensity as you do family, religion, or country, you don't belong in my society, pal. When it's all said and done, Kurt will be right up there with Flair as contender for greatest American wrestler of all time. That, and his pro-abstinence, pro-milk, and pro-personalized mouth guard demeanor makes him a good role model for a nation of children that sorely need one.

41.)    The Ultimate X match
For being the ONLY gimmick match TNA does right, and one of the few recent "innovations" that actually innovates, unlike certain other promotion's ideas (Elimination Chamber, hint-hint)

40.)   The Internet
For giving us the gift of idle message board chatter, The Armpit, and a good source to downloa…I mean, order ROH matches from the official ROH web site. Yes. That's it.

39.)   Rey Mysterio
Want to see one of the best workers in the world busting his ass every night, putting on killer matches against people that are nowhere near as talented as him and making them look like technicians in the process? Well, it's none other than the 5'1, 101 pound sensation that I've loved since '96. And yes, I know he's taller than 5'1 and weighs more than 101. He's at least 5'3 and I'm guessing about 138. Maybe 139 after a cheeseburger.

38.)   America's Most Wanted
For those of you that say tag team wrestling is dead, you've probably never seen Chris Harris and James Storm absolutely kill in TNA. With MNM done with (good job, booking department!), AMW is hands down the best tag team in the states, and with an actual tag team division in TNA, they even have some guys to prove it against.

37.)   Matt Striker, Charlie Haas, and Carlito (tie)
What the? Excellent wrestlers with excellent characters and superb mic skills…on RAW? How the? Who the?

34.)   Bryan Danielson
The ROH champion, and he's arguably the best champ in all of North America. An excellent old school style performer, and he's a hero to pale men everywhere.

33.)   Jay Lethal
You know this kid is only 20 years old? Well, you should, because Don West brings it up every damn match. A gifted performer and definitely a future star in the making.

32.)   Ric Flair
For the sake of paying off the IRS, Ric Flair is willing to bleed like an overturned blood-mobile and do outstanding ladder spots at an age in which most people are scanning the early bird special circuit. That, and I heard that he had some good matches back in the day in something called NWA or something like that…

31.)   TNA Impact
For giving us an alternative to the snooze-fest that has become WWE programming by offering a show that's faster paced, more energetic, and a whole hell of a lot more fun to watch. The Impact Zone = Most fun fans ever.

30.)   UFC
Okay, so technically, it's not really wrestling, but if the industry wants to pull in 1998 money again, they're going to have to take a cue from MMA and make the product way more sport, and way less entertainment. And I'm putting 100 down for that deaf guy to win Ultimate Fighter 3.

29.)   Finlay
Finlay is a man that can legitimately kill you in at least fifty different ways. And that's with his bare hands. Somebody book him against other technical favorites like Regal and Benoit and you'll have another late-bloomer coming into his own. One of the few (and I do mean few) highlights from Smackdown. And he owns a pet leprechaun.

28.) Kendrick and London
They dress like Slipknot and wrestle like the amalgamation of the entire X division, if the X-Division was deathly afraid of going up top and nailing stiff drivers and bombs. And damn it, London looks just like that guy from Kung Pow: Enter The Fist. Long story short, they rule.

27.) Low-Ki/Sen-Shi/Shen-Ki/Lo-Shin or whatever he's calling himself nowadays
The name's not important: Just remember that the artist formerly known as Low-Ki is one of the best wrestlers in the world, and he can and will stiff the hell out of you to get the crowd roaring. An amazing talent.

26.) CMLL
It's almost worth buying one of those damn satellite dishes to see this kick-ass lucha libre promotion. Hell, there are some weeks when it kicks WWE, TNA, and ROH's ass combined. Plus, you get to learn how to say "Flying Neckbreaker off the top rope" in Spanish.

25.) KENTA
For those of you unfamiliar with the name, KENTA is arguably the biggest talent in Japan right now. Still fairly young, he's one of the few wrestlers to ever lay claim to showing up Kenta freaking Kobashi. Think about that for awhile. Do yourself a favor and do some research on this guy. If you want to see strong style at it's best, there's only five letters you need to Google.

24.) Chris Hero, Necro Butcher, and Super Dragon (tie)
For when ROH isn't niche enough, there's always CZW, which went from being ECW rip-off garbage promotion #1,347 to being the fourth biggest promotion in the states. And these three men are easily the cream of the crop, displaying varied personas and styles, ranging from old school brawling (Necro) to borderline insane lucha (Dragon). And if you want to see a guy with some real personality, there's no better character on the independent circuit than Chris Hero. He shut down the ROH forums for god's sake! Now THAT'S a heel for the 21st Century.

21.) CM Punk
It's only a matter of time until Punk is the undisputed king of the wrestling world. He's already conquered ROH and OVW, and there's a pretty good chance he'll end up in ECWWE pretty soon. Essentially, he's got the wrestling skills of Triple H minus the ego, and he's a clear cut candidate for a Pepsi pitch man. Quite possibly the only man in wrestling not addicted to painkillers, alcohol, weed, or whatever Simon Dean has to take to ease the unbearable torment of being Simon Dean.

20.) AJ Styles
This man is a real life Spider-Man. His stuff goes so far beyond typical cruiserweight that I'm convinced he made some sort of pact with a higher power to pull of what he does. Not only that, but he knows how to carry a match, and has put on some of the most amazing bouts I've ever seen. If you combined Bret Hart and Rey Mysterio into one person and gave him a bad haircut, his name would be AJ Styles.

19.) Christopher Daniels
There are times when I watch Daniels wrestle and I think to myself, "there's no way he just did that." Daniels is Kurt Angle, Dean Malenko, and Rey in one person. Technical, high flying, strong style, hardcore…this guy can do it all. I propose we start new religion based on his teachings and moonsaults.

18.) Team Canada
The best stable in pro wrestling today. Screw the Spirit Squad, TN-eh has them beat on all fronts. Talent? Check. Funny? Oh yeah. They cover all the bases: an excellent cruiserweight (Williams), an excellent tag team (Roode and Young), and a pretty good booker/mouth piece (D'amore). That, and there's a guy named after steak sauce in their clique.

17.) Paul Heyman
The greatest booker of our generation. Already a legend, all he needs is the keys to the ride and he'll have a promotion cruising to greatness in no-time. In his capable hands, ECWWE should succeed, and with Vince's billions backing him up, that whole money thing is no problem. But Rollerball still sucked.

16.) William Regal
The single most under-appreciated wrestler in the 'E. An outstanding talent and a damn hilarious man. His face has more muscles than Scott Steiner has on both arms.  

15.) NOAH
You need to watch Japanese wrestling. That's right. Go do so now. NOAH, the best promotion in Japan (okay, so maybe that's just an opinion) is the way wrestling should be booked. The matches feel more like heavyweight boxing fights, with the fierce, brutal almost MMA style wrestling making the matches feel like legitimate sport. Also of interest to people who like streamers.

14.) ECW
Okay, so maybe in a few months we'll look back on our hopeful aspirations of what EC-Dub 2.0 could've been and alternately laugh and cry ourselves into a watery grave. Of course, there's a REALLY good chance this boat will sink and crush the morale of the entire IWC, but for a chance to recreate that magic that got us back into wrestling in the first place, it's at least worth a shot. That and, if there's anything a post-9/11 society needs more than ever, it's more CW Anderson.

13.) Chris Jericho
Turn on the TV. Put it on VH1. Chris Jericho is probably on it. I've always been a huge Jericho mark, not only because he kicked ass in the ring, but also because he pulled of some of the most hilarious promos and skits ever. But most importantly of all, he's the best ambassador the wrestling industry has to the outside world. Unlike a bunch of washed up muscle bound 80s relics that have their own reality shows, Jericho comes off as a decent, normal person and not just some slobbering madman, which is the stereotypical portrait of them there 'rasslers. Now, if only he would step inside the ring every now and then…

12.) Eddie Guerrero
Not because his untimely death, which was then used to get over a heel in time for Wrestlemania (which is the single most disgusting thing the 'E has ever done and something I'll never forgive them for), but rather for the fact that his memory will never, ever fade away. Every time someone nails a frog splash, every time a cruiserweight rises to ascension, every time a performer gives it his all, the fans, the REAL fans, will give the great Guerrero his due. Twenty years from now, we'll still be hearing chants of "Eddie! Eddie!" echoing throughout arenas.  

11.) The Joe/Kobashi Match
Every now and then, a match comes along that becomes the measuring stick for the industry. Flair/Steamboat. Guerrero/Malenko. Benoit/Angle. There's no doubt that this decade's watershed moment was the ROH clash between America's numbero uno Samoan death machine and Japan's near god-like national hero Kenta Kobashi. One word of warning: for those of you unfamiliar with the puroresu style of wrestling (namely the ones that have never seen a non-WWE match)…your face will literally be rocked off. Seeing this match for the first time is like your first kiss, or getting your learner's license, except with way more watching guys kick each other in the face.

10.) Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
All sports have their sacred commentators. Hockey's got Don Cherry. Football has Howard Cosell. And the pro wrestling world has The Coach…kidding! As far as I'm concerned, the greatest color man of all time is the immortal Bobby Heenan, and there is no one reading this that will disagree. His sporadic appearances in ROH and TNA instantly bring smiles to fans everywhere, and even after a lengthy battle with cancer, he still has a disposition that makes you want to give him a platonic, strictly hetero man hug.

9.) Matt Cappotelli
It was one of the most heart wrenching things I've seen in a wrestling ring, going far beyond the realm of wrestling and transcending into an overwhelming display of bravery and the human experience. Matt's farewell speech in which he relinquished the OVW championship after being diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer is one of the most emotional moments not only in wrestling history, but in any sport. How a man so young could come face to face with death right at the precipice of his career with the sort of dignity, honor, and hope is absolutely inspiring. Matt Cappotelli is a man that makes you proud to be a wrestling fan.

8.) The Steroid Policy  
With wrestlers in their mid 30s dying from heart irregularities at a percentage triple that of the national average, it's no misconception that steroids was single handily not only destroying wrestling, but wrestler's lives as well. The new steroid policy is a step in the right direction, and hopefully it may save a few lives down the road. Not applicable: TNA.      

7.) Rob Van Dam
RVD, God bless him, is the last of a dying breed. He was the reason to tune in to ECW in the late 90s, he busted his ass in the early 00s in killer ladder matches in the E, and by the time your reading this, he'll FINALLY have a world championship around his waist. He helped pioneer the concept of the modern day spot-match (alongside Jerry Lynn), which has lead to some truly fantastic stuff in ROH and the X Division. So for all us flip floppy fans out there: Thanks Rob. FUN FACT: RVD is second only to Sabu in all time most table spots blown. Rumor has it that Sabu even blows his spots during Thanksgiving dinner.

6.) The ROH Pure Championship
It's amazing how foreign a concept "wrestling" seems to be. Who'd thunk that you can have matches without ridiculous aerial moves, tables, fire, and having to throw a guy off a twenty foot ladder? That's what the Pure Championship is all about: real wrestling, which mark my words, will be the thing that saves the industry. Huh. Wrestling being wrestling's savior. What are the odds.

5.) The Real Fans
If you get two great wrestlers, have them put on a killer match, and then have a crowd that knows absolutely nothing about wrestling chant "boring" because it doesn't involve rapping and/or usage of "knux", it's all for naught. That's why going to a ROH show, or heading out to the Impact Zone, or being at a WWE show in NY and Philly is so much damned fun: there's smarks in the crowd that love and appreciate the business, and see through all the bologna. If you rock, they'll let you know. If it's a well fought bout, they'll give you applause. If your name is John Cena, you might want to duck. The fans make up 50% of the show, and it's always more entertaining knowing that the guys beside you love the industry as much as you do.

4.) Kenta Kobashi
A little history: if you don't know who Kenta Kobashi is…He's freaking Kenta Kobashi! The near Christ-like figure of all things Japanese wrestling is the Ric Flair of Puroresu, and the amount of five star, mind blowing, life affirming matches he's had can be counted on one hand…one hand with fifteen thousand fingers. Do yourself a favor and check out some of his classic bouts, especially if you've never seen him wrestle before. You won't regret it.

3.) The Do Fixer/Blood Generation Match
On Wrestlemania Saturday, ROH held their own super card in Chicago, which was highlighted by an absolutely INSANE six man tag match featuring alum from the Japanese uber promotion Dragon's Gate. All I can say is that this match is like something from the damn future. You have never seen anything even closely resembling the stuff they can do in the ring. Literally, words can't describe it. An absolute must-see, with the side effect of having to mop your own face off the walls after it's been blown away by the sheer awesomeness of the match.

2.) The X Division
You always know you'll get your money's worth while watching TNA, because of one thing: Don West. But even after that, there's the X-Division, a smelting pot comprising elements of lucha libre, strong style, hardcore, technical, and whatever the hell you call what Shark Boy does. It's a microcosm of the wrestling world in general, and is one of, okay, THE reason to watch TNA.

1.) Samoa Joe
There's no doubt who THE man is in wrestling. Cena? Batista? HHH? Jarrett?
Please. Wrestling today can be summed up best with one word: Joe. Already a bonafide superstar, if he never wrestled another match, he still would have a career 99.9% better than every other wrestler on the planet. There will come a day when Joe is the biggest star in wrestling, and it is certain to come much sooner than later. He's the heart and soul of two promotions, the king of the independent circuit, and everything "sports-entertainment" isn't. Joe IS wrestling.

Phew! So there you go, fifty things that kick ass about modern wrestling. The next time someone complains about current wrestling sucking, punch him right in the sack…or you could show him this article. Either way works fine.

Your friendly neighborhood JIMBO