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jswift@student.highlands.edu

October 15, 2007

 

Internet: “Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is, Fedor didn’t get signed by the UFC.” 

Me: “Good lord, how is that good news?” 

Internet: “Because the bad news is, Randy quit.” 

I remember back when I was a wee young lad, I was upset that my kitten had been run over by a semi. I cried and thought that nothing on Earth could possibly be worse than that notion. Later that afternoon, My uncle Lou had a heart attack and died on the kitchen table while I was eating soup and his big dead hand landed right in my bowl. Suddenly, that squished cat wasn’t that big of a concern anymore.

And thusly, Fedor signing an exclusive contract with the KGB or whoever is running MMA up in Siberia is but a single drop of rain compared to the monsoon of lame-ness that is the UFC Heavyweight champion literally taking his ball and running home with it.

When Captain America defeated Tim Sylvia and his broken arm for the title back in February, I was ecstatic. Odds are, you’ll never hear a pop half as loud as when Randy initially took down Boring McBoring during that fight. Grown men openly wept as their hero made the most inconceivable comeback in MMA history. Randy was OUR champion.

Then he beat the crap out of this giant Jiu-jitsu guy that nobody thought he could. And like that, Randy was elevated to living legend status, right alongside Evel Knievel and Bigfoot.

We all waited for the fight. What fight? THE fight. Couture vs.

Fedor. America vs. Russia. Rocky Balboa vs. Ivan Drago in REAL life. For a brief moment, it seemed like a reality.

Then, Fedor has to go and not sign with UFC. This made the MMA world very upset. That being said, it didn’t make anyone quit their job, hand in their title and vow to never work for their chosen company ever again.

Well, except Randy.           

Apparently, this failure to secure the fight of the decade so enraged The Natural that it made him turn in his resignation, and by resignation, I mean “championship belt”. 

            Right now, Dana White is shaking like …(choose one of the below)

                        A.) A French soldier at a fireworks display

                        B.) Michael J. Fox after a three day Mountain Dew binge

                        C.) a Polaroid picture (Shake it, yeah, shake it)

                        D.) a Chihuahua in an igloo 

Seriously, I feel sorry for the guy. Coupled with Chuck Liddell’s recent unfortunate case of the sucks, the UFC is losing star power faster than a PS2 after someone yanked the Guitar Hero controller out of the socket (I really, really like that last joke, by the way). This is like having the Indianapolis Colts lose to a Canadian Football team and then the crappiest team in the Arena league, followed by the Dallas Cowboys joining the NBA and culminating with the Patriots deciding to stop playing all together. Long story short, Big Dana is doing a lot of cursing right now, and that’s a lot of cursing even by Dana White’s standard.

Things are looking mighty bleak for the MMA world right now. Were the experts truly right? Was it just a fad, like televised Poker and Crystal Pepsi?

Well if it is, then we need a scapegoat. That scapegoat’s name is Randy Couture, and for giving my beloved sport a black eye from which it may never recover, I will now begin a long tirade on how and why at this moment in time and space, Randy Couture is the suckiest person in existence.

Randy Couture, you are a sorry piece of crap and I hate you. I want to challenge you to a fight in the octagon, or failing that, a dodecagon.

Yeah, so what if you outweigh me by approximately 180 pounds? You’re not allowed to use the dreaded three knuckle octopus choke in UFC, and guess what move I’m going to throw you in first? That’s right, an elevated knee bar, but after that, THEN it’s time for the dreaded three knuckle octopus choke. I once saw a Zulu warrior strangle a crocodile to death with that maneuver, and that was while underwater. Imagine what I can do with it on dry land?

Randy Couture, you got knocked out by Chuck Liddell like fifty times, and Chuck Liddell just lost to a guy that looks like he works at a San Bernardino gas station. You also got beat up by Jet Li in that crappy movie that I can’t remember the name of, but it was probably a shoot and not a movie scene at all, meaning you really did get beat up by a poor man’s Jackie Chan in actual reality.

You know what the worst part of all of this is? He quit UFC to film The Scorpion King II. Now, The Rock quit the WWE to film The Scorpion King I, and we all know how that turned out for that promotion. Maybe in five years, the Ultimate Fighting Entertainment heavyweight champion will be a rapper and the belt will have giant spinning “U” on it.

Now, as I slowly wind down that road to tomorrow, I realize that it will not include the merriment that is watching a giant Russian guy punching a giant American guy in a ring while Joe Rogan says stuff that you really don’t know whether or not its supposed to be a joke, so this makes you really mad because you want straight up play by play announcing but at the same time you kind of appreciate his ability to kind of deliver that when the temptation to provide color commentary is always there.

This makes me sad. As a matter of fact, I’m so sad that I have to go out and do something productive for society that makes me feel like a better citizen. But first, I’m going on a message board and complaining about Randy being a traitor and make broad, asinine comparisons to his leaving of the UFC to that of the work of Hitler. Because, you know, it’s not outlandish or anything.

In all sincerity though, we may want to burn Couture in effigy right now, but in two weeks we’ll probably forget all about this incident and ponder deeper, more meaningful aspects of the human existence, like “Save Us 222” and Triple H not putting people over.

Good luck with whatever you chose to do in your retirement, Chuck.

We’ll miss you.