Main

Build a Better Body

Learn Self Defense

Meet Women

 

 

jswift@student.highlands.edu

Every week, we will re-post classic Jimbo columns from the past.  Jimbo wrote several memorable columns for us in 2005 and 2006, and you'll slowly but surely see them archived here at The Armpit, in addition to his new articles.  Enjoy.

--------------------

October 24, 2005

 

Batista and the Superstar Cycle
    Really, this is only the Red Giant phase…

    Late breaking news, folks: In an unprecedented event, a wrestler with a
huge ego makes controversial comments that make him appear, in a word,
asshole-ish. This surprising turn of events is a first for the wrestling world.
Nothing like this has ever occurred before, and god willing, never will again.

    Also, new investigations report that the Pope may or may not be Catholic,
and that bears, more likely than not, defecate in the woods.

    I seriously don't see why people are angered at Batista's latest
comments. No, let me rephrase that; I CAN see why they're angry, but for the life of
me, I can't see why anybody would be SURPRISED by what he said. Let's face it,
the heavyweight title is a lot like the titular ring in The Lord of the Rings;
at first, you just kind of marvel at how shiny it is and how awesome it is to
be holding it. Then, before you know it, you're clawing out your best
friend's eyeballs because he looked at for a split second too long.

    The heavyweight title changes a man, I tell ya'. Even the guys we respect
and adore, the Ric Flairs, the Bret Harts, the K-Kwiks (and yes, he won the
TNA title, so it counts)…they all underwent severe changes after initially
strapping on the gold. Remember how amicable and full of life The Ultimate Warrior
was before he won the heavyweight title? Now look at him…the number one
wrestling related DVD in the world is dedicated to how shitty his life is.

    That being said, what we're witnessing with Batista is merely phase one
of the oft-whispered about yet rarely spoken "Superstar Cycle". Phase one, of
course, is the "Red Giant" phase. At this point, you are a fairly popular
wrestler. You are showered with praise. You're getting hot poon and/or man-tang
24/7, whichever one you choose (or both). You get free meals. You're more
recognizable to the 18-34 male demographic than any and all scientists, philosophers,
authors, and poets on Earth combined. Your life is, in a word, good.

    At this point, your ego begins to balloon out of proportion. In Batista's
case, it increased at double speed because of his previous acquaintances with
a certain sledgehammer carrying, Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2
look-a-like. Add a tape recorder and an inquiring mind and you've got a highly
volatile recipe for controversy.

    So when Batista was thrown some sticky questions in a recent interview,
he, of course, responded in a soft-key, neutral manner that in no way would
make him appear like a self-fellating jerk-wad, right?

    My friend, you know nothing of the pro wrestling world.
   
Interviewer: "So Batista, what do you think of TNA?"

Batista: "Well, I've never heard of that inferior brand and their so-called
star attraction AJ Styles, however I glanced at said product for a second and
immediately jumped to the conclusion that any and all matches in said promotion
are similar in a manner that they can all be best described as car wrecks…"

Interviewer: "Umm…okay. So what about the Muhammad Hassan controversy?"

Batista: "The character of Muhammad Hassan received little or no heat, and I
liken the reason to the substandard performance of Mark Copani. (The sound of
fumbling script pages is clearly audible) Uhh…Daivari, who is still under
contract with the WWE, was way better anyway."

Interviewer: "Yeah. So, uh, who is your dream opponent?"

Batista: "Oh, that's easy: Sting. That guy was so freaking awesome in the
90s. I remember watching him and saying…

A voice that sounds vaguely familiar to that of Vince McMahon: "Damn it,
Batista, stick to the script! Say Lesnar! Say Lesnar!"

Batista: "Oh, wait, did I say Sting? I meant Brock Lesnar. Sometimes, I get
them confused. Anyway, Lesnar is a real son of a bitch and I hate him.
Goldberg, too. I want to fight them both in a street fight for besmirching my
company's good name. Good night, and I rule.

Okay, so maybe that's not 100 percent accurate of how the now-infamous
interview played out, but it's close enough. Anybody that read that interview walked
away with one of two impressions: Either the powers that be have turned
Batista and the world's beefiest puppet OR Batista truly is one loud-mouthed
a-hole.  

My assumption? A little bit from column A, and a little bit from column B.
Did good old Leviathan use some choice words? Of course. Were they meant to stir
up the marks? You bet. Are those his true sentiments or are they just post-it
notes from the WWE hierarchy? Now that's where things get a little iffy.
All things calculated and tabulated, this isn't even the fun part of
Batista's ascension/ roller coaster ride to destruction. Just wait until Batista
reaches superstar cycle level two, the "Super Red Giant" phase, in which he must
relinquish the beloved strap to a guy that's getting more heat than him. That's
when he starts hurling words of ire and rage towards people within his own
company, as in his fellow employees and even, gulp! The guys backstage! Then the
interviews will start to get really interesting. We're talking "Shane Douglas
proclaiming himself better than Flair and Hart" ego tripping here.

But that doesn't even begin to register on the "Whoa!" scale compared to
Phase three Batista. This is when not only is he out of the world title fray, he's
not even dark matching for Smackdown. Yup, we're talking phase three, the
"Super Nova" phase, in which Batista's ego will become so massive that he either
quits or gets fired for being so douchey. This is when he just cuts loose.
Nobody, and I mean nobody is off limits. At this point, he may go as far as to
write a tell-all book that displays the upper echelon as the no-goodniks they
are. Then again, this is Batista we're talking about here. In his case, it'd
probably be a pop-up book.

Then, much like the life of a star (you know, a real one, as in a gaseous,
light and heat giving - gigantic, spherical space body), the final phase of
Batista's descent can go one of two ways. His gigantic head will finally pop,
allowing him to eventually admit he's sunk as low as he can go and is no longer,
nor will he ever be again, a bonafide wrestling sensation. This is Phase Four -
- "The Black Hole" Phase.

But Batista has one more option, although only one wrestler has ever declined
into this almost pre-historic level of regression. That level is "Phase Four,
B: The White Dwarf". At that point, Batista will actually reach a level of
intensity and insanity so immense, he becomes his wrestling persona and will
then dedicate his life to issuing New Orleans area fishing reports and posting
macabre notes on whom he wants to see die on his blog. The rules of life will no
longer apply to Batista, and he will truly life in his own world. Reminds me
of someone, but who?

So the moral of the story is don't get too upset over Batista's comments.
Let's face it, unless you run OVW, he really didn't say anything derogatory about
you. Besides, just wait until he has to job to The Boogeyman at Wrestlemania
XXII…then he'll really give some great interviews.  

,Your Friendly Neighborhood Jimbo