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jswift@student.highlands.edu

Every week, we will re-post classic Jimbo columns from the past.  Jimbo wrote several memorable columns for us in 2005 and 2006, and you'll slowly but surely see them archived here at The Armpit.  Enjoy.

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December 12, 2005

 

Sometimes you draw inspiration from the damnedest of places. Case in point: I
was watching Montel and they brought out that Sylvia Brown psychic voodoo
priestess. You see, Sylvia can do all of the following, no doubt acquired through
an unholy pact with Satan:

a.) communicate with the dead
b.) predict the future
c.) use remote viewing to gaze into people's pasts
d.) write shitty books
e.) appear on Montel every week

And that's when sweet lady inspiration hit me. Around this time each year,
wrestling sites begin putting out "year in review" pieces. You know, "the top 50
wrestlers of the year", "the ten best matches of the year", "Hey, it's been a year
later, let's count how many hairs Hulk Hogan has left"…so on and so on.

    Being the unconventional sort of guy I am, I decided to forego the whole
"look-back" approach and focus on the future. I mean, come on, we already know
what happened this year, and quite frankly, their isn't much to talk about
other than the nine gajillion gaffes Vince and Company made and arguing over
which TNA cable deal was worse. 

    So without further adieu, here are my top ten predictions for the
wrestling world in 2006…

10.) Rob Van Dam will come back from injury and still be criminally underused
by WWE management

No surprise here, comrade. No matter what your opinion of RVD is (which often
fluctuates between "The Jesus Christ of Wrestling" and "That Stoned Piece of
Shit That Blows More Spots Than Sabu, Lesnar, and Test Combined"), you have to
give the guy props: he's athletic as hell, he has a great, unique persona,
and contrary to popular belief, some of his spot matches are, you know,
entertaining to watch.

Unfortunately, the guys in the upper echelon of Titans (Sports) Tower don't
see him fit as a top draw, even though he was hands down the most popular
wrestler from the 2001 talent influx, getting cheered LOUDER than The Rock and
Stone Cold, and practically kept the wheel rolling in the dying days of ECW pretty
much all by his lonesome.

So here's the deal: RVD will come back from injury, get a minor push (which
means "hey, you don't have to wrestle on Heat anymore"), get booked in a
ridiculous feud for a secondary title against some newcomer while wrestlers with 1%
of his talent headline Wrestlemania. RVD will culminate 2006 by once again
getting injured, this time on purpose so he no longer has to job to the likes of
Super Porky and Linda McMahon.

9.) Ring of Honor fans will still act like Nintendo fanboys

I rarely speak about ROH, and it's for a good reason: I just haven't seen
enough of their product. However, from what I have seen, I am fairly impressed
and believe that it's one hell of a promotion, and in it's finer moments, is
easily putting on the best wrestling of the "One Big, Fat, Huge Giant and two
tiny pebbles".

However, if there is anything that gives ROH a bad rap, it's the fans. Well,
that and Feinstein in general, but to better iterate my point, let's use some
analogy, eh?

If you're reading this, than I assume you are an avid wrestling fan. If so,
than odds are, you're a male in the 18-34 age demographic, and if you're a male
in the 18-34 age demographic, odds are, you're a video game enthusiast. By
being so, than you're probably familiar with the Nintendo fanboys.

The similarities between ROH fans and Nintendo fans are striking. Both are
upset at the giant corporation devouring market shares in their given field
(WWE/Sony). They're both pissed that the number two company in the business
(TNA/Microsoft) isn't them, so they constantly attack said company because they
employ a specific hook that they do not promote (X-Division/Xbox Live). They both
claim to be the only companies putting out "real (wrestling/games)" and are
known to exalt their products to hyperbolic extremes (pick a ROH match/pick a
Gamecube title).

Honestly, don't expect either faction to change their tunes in '06.

8.) Chris Jericho will return to the ring and then go into semi-retirement
again

Now this is a hot stove issue. Will Chris Jericho go back to the 'E were he
will almost undoubtedly be pushed under by Triple H or will he go to TNA where
he will almost undoubtedly be pushed under by Jeff Jarrett? My guess is that
he will likely end up in TNA, but not for long. He'll wrestle a couple of
matches, and then fade from the squared circle (again) when "I Love The 80s"
becomes a weekly live telecast against Raw.

I give Y2J two or three months in TNA, tops. Then it's back to "Best Week
Ever", where he'll feud with that one gap-toothed dude for the "VH1 Heavyweight
Championship".

7.) Randy Savage will finally get inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame…OH,
YEAHHHH!

The "Macho Man" is practically the Pete Rose of wrestling. Well, except he
didn't bet on wrestling. Now that would be just plain dumb. His crime
(allegedly) in the eyes of the Hall of Fame voters (which actually consists of just one
voter…guess who?) involves the stuff of wrestling folklore.

As the (alleged) story goes, "The Macho King" (allegedly) was caught in the
sack (allegedly) with none other than Queen Hippo herself Steph McMahon
(allegedly), who at the time was (allegedly) fourteen (allegedly).

While this story may or may not be true, it has certainly ingrained itself
into the very fabric of pro wrestling fandom. And it would certainly be
justifiable for Randy's omission from the WWE Hall of Fame.

That being said, Vince will let bygones be bygones. With the attention spans
of current WWE fans dwindling every week, expect Randy to get inducted this
year, if only to showcase a name that is somewhat noticeable to the John Cena
cheering, Lazer-Tag playing, Axe Body Wash - using casual fans of today.

Oh, and The Ultimate Warrior will be offered enshrinement in 06, if only to
extend the olive branch between the 'E and America's favorite possibly insane
conservative wrestling-related 80s relic. Of course, he will turn it down and
then go onto badmouth everyone involved on his blog, specifically going into a
three paragraph tirade about how he wants to introduce Vince to destrucity via
a Red Snapper and a can of KY jelly.

6.) Goldberg and Lesnar will return to the American wrestling scene

It's amazing how hard the mighty fall. Back in 1998, Goldberg was more
popular than Viagra jokes. In 2003, Brock Lesnar was the biggest thing going in the
'E. However, our burned-in impressions of both guy's careers will forever be
summed up by the train wreck at WrestleMania XX.

So Goldberg got lost and decided to make really crappy movies and host
generic truck-building shows on The Discovery Channel. Lesnar tried out for the
Vikings, hooked up with Sable, and went to Japan where he defeated Mothra and
Megalon in a three way dance to win the New Japan championship.

Two huge stars, practically exiled from North America. Now what?

Expect Goldberg to at least attempt a comeback. Of course, he will charge
outlandish fees for his presence, but he is somewhat of a bankable name. The
possibility of a WWE return is out of the question, but methinks TNA will
eventually cave in and give him a deal.

As for Lesnar, this will be interesting. He will return stateside, but as an
indy worker that will make a small fortune for one night appearances.
Eventually, by year's end, Vince will become fearful that a rival company will snatch
him up, and by this time next year, expect Brock Lesnar to once again be
employed by a guy named McMahon.

5.) TNA ratings will finally hit a consistent 1.0
  
There's some good news and some bad news regarding TNA: the good being that
ratings will finally hit a steady weekly rating hovering above the 1.0 share.
The bad? The time slot will stay as it is, although common sense dictates
that a two hour show on Thursdays will easily trump the ratings of a late night
Saturday show.

While 1.0 is still meager in terms of the WWE ratings, it's a good sign for
TNA, since it proves that they do have a solid fan base and more than a few new
viewers turn in each week.

Of course, the mixed blessing of the Spike deal will constantly make Impact a
50/50 deal in 2006. Expect more specials, but don't expect them to go all out
and promote TNA like they should. In other words, expect more of the same.

4.) Free agency rumors will run rampant, but in the end, nothing will happen

Hell, that statement could refer to any year, but in 2006, with ROH gaining
prominence and TNA solidly establishing itself as the new number two, the rumor
mill will damn near explode. Even as we speak, the big rumors going about
concern Benoit and Angle leaving the 'E. These rumors will run wild early next
year, but neither will leave. Alas, there will be a HUGE news story that will
throw the IWC into a frenzy, involving Vince raiding the X-Division of guys like
Styles, Joe, and Sabin.

If I even have to explain to you why that won't happen, you have no business
visiting a wrestling site.

3.) The new steroid policy will fall apart…yeah, I know, big surprise

Sadly, a deterrent used to possibly save lives will got routed early on.
Sure, we'll see a couple of guys get cut loose, just so Vince can say "look, we
really are running thorough drug tests!" to the media, but nothing short of
mandatory federally operated random screenings will make the WWE gas-free.

It's a sad affair, but unfortunately, it's the norm. With a hierarchy ruling
over the dressing room and people get fired left and right, of course
wrestlers are going to do anything to achieve an edge, and with a physique-obsessed
culture presiding over the locker-room, it's almost inevitable that talent will
turn to steroids.

The new policy will crumble just like the previous policy, simply because it
is designed to do so.

2.) Stone Cold vs. Hulk Hogan…ain't happening

Let's take a look at Wrestlemania XXII…we've got Randy Orton vs. Batista,
Cena vs. HHH, and of course, the MAIN EVENT of main events…the biggest star of
the 80s versus the biggest star of the 90s…sports-entertainment personified…

…oh, never mind. Hogan vs. Austin isn't happening next year or any other year
for that matter.

Well, you've got two of the biggest egos in all of wrestling. These two guys
do stuff to Vince that the Ultimate Warrior himself would consider ballsy.
Steve has had more no-shows than Viscera at Weight Watchers meetings, and Hulk
demands air tight control of everything involving him. Hell, you might as well
throw in Shawn Michaels and make it a three way just to see how long the ring
can stand before caving in due to the massive pressure being inflicted upon it
by the wrestler's enormous heads.

My guess as to why the match won't happen? Backstage disputes over control of
the match, which in spin doctor speak  roughly translates to "Hulk Hogan is
not physically cleared to compete in tonight's match-up. And oh yeah, if you
try to sue for false advertising, read the stub, bitch: 'Card subject to
change'."

…y numero uno…

1.) It's about damn time…unionization for wrestlers

        In 1996, The N.W.O. changed wrestling forever. Not only was it a plot
point that has been ripped off time and time again, it was a moment that
significantly altered wrestling's history. It came *this close* to putting Vince
McMahon out of business. It put WCW on the map. It made a lot of people very,
very rich.

        In 2006, the real New World Order of wrestling will be established…a
worker's union for professional wrestler.

        There have been far too many deaths in the wrestling business. The
absolute most tragic thing about these deaths is that in an alternate world,
those deaths could've been prevented. These guys go out every night and decimate
their bodies to the points that they have to turn to painkillers just to keep
a job. Thanks to stigma, they feel as if they have to do steroids just to stay
employed.

        It's that kind of bullshit that ruins lives. Thanks to age old
standards and antiquated wrestling "codes", wrestlers are treated inhumanely. How
many times have you read stories about big 80s stars living in poverty post
tenure? There are no retirement plans in the wrestling industry as of today. There
have been for too many guys that have retired penniless, in bad health, and
often sustaining serious injuries that will hinder them for life.

        That's why in 2006, there will be an organized union for wrestlers,
simply because there has to be. Odds are, it will start off as an Independent
Wrestlers' Union (a concept that has been kicked around for a couple of years
now), with Indy guys, who often receive no health benefits and in some cases
aren't even guaranteed pay, forming  just to make sure they'll get paid and make
promotions responsible for taking care of their employees.

        It's from there that a revolution spreads. We get a couple of big
name stars to attach their names for the Indy guys and soon the idea for a
universal Worker's Union begins to coalesce. With secured pay, guaranteed
healthcare, and an actual retirement plan for those involved, the changes that need to
get made WILL be made. It doesn't matter what Vince says in a news conference,
the steroid policy will be unsuccessful if he goes unchallenged. A union will
make sure that policies like that will be enforced, and with wrestlers having
financially stable futures, then maybe, just maybe, we don't have to worry
about guys in dying in their early thirties.

        Personally, I believe these changes need to be made by any means
necessary. Imagine if the entire WWE roster threatened to go on strike unless
these changes were made and a union came to fruition. There would be media
support. The stiffs like Jim Rome would be behind the regulating policies. For once,
there would be good news for the industry.

        It's something that has to happen. In the immortal words of Rage
Against the Machine, "what better place than here, what better time than now?".

- Your Friendly Neighborhood Jimbo