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It Makes No F'n Sense

The Illogical World of Pro Wrestling & MMA

The idea for this section is for all of you to contribute those wacky instances in wrestling and mixed martial arts (MMA) that, well, make no f'n sense.  The things that make you scratch your head.  The things that, after thinking them through, you feel insulted to be a wrestling fan. 

If you have something to add that makes no sense, please contact us.  Let's go.

Trading Punches

When wrestlers trade punches, each one throws a punch and then... waits for the other person to punch back.  And then he punches him again.

Wouldn't it make more sense to punch your opponent repeatedly instead of waiting for him to hit you back first?  It's like he's expecting to get punched, and somehow something would be wrong if he didn't punch back.  Imagine Cena is punching Orton, and Orton doesn't punch back.  Does that ruin the rhythm?  In wrestling, it looks more "normal" if the guys each take turns.  Logic says that if a move is repeated in a certain pattern, the next guy's move should be easy to predict.  In chess, if you know what the guy is going to do next, you practically win the game.  In MMA, if you know what your opponent is going to do, you can counter it and win immediately.  In wrestling, you know a punch is coming, and you wait for it, expect it, and take it.  It makes no F'n sense.

Revolving Door O' Partners

Don't you just love wrestling's on-the-fly rules?  Last week at TNA Bound for Glory, Ron Killings found out his tag team partner, and champion, Pacman Jones, was not allowed to wrestle.  So he grabs some guy no one has ever heard of, Consequences Creed, to be his replacement.  

Basically, the guy became an instant champion of the world in the supposed greatest wrestling promotion on Earth, for doing nothing.  Now that's a great gig.

So what exactly are the limits to this?  Can Killings recruit anyone he wants and he's an instant champion??  Doesn't TNA have a hiring process, do background checks, reference checks, drug tests, and need the guy's name and address so they can send him a paycheck?  What if Killings brought in his grandma, or some wimp like Senator John Edwards, or a non-athlete like Rudy Giuliani?  Are they allowed to be tag champs too, with no qualifications?  What about Eric the Midget, or Beetlejuice, or Nancy Reagan?  Why stop there?  How about animals, like my toy poodle?  And if animals are allowed, why not the king of the jungle like a lion or elephant?  Are convicted murderers, rapists, and child predators allowed too?

Imagine the equivalent in football.  "Hey coach, Alex Smith can't be the 49ers quarterback this week; can we replace him with Wayne Newton?  We tried calling Carmen Electra but she was busy."  Leave it to TNA to so something so F'n lame, but WWE is guilty of it too.

Our advice: befriend a tag team champion.  If his partner gets injured, you just might be picked to replace him and become an instant world champion in the supposed hardest sport in the world.   

"The Slap"

You know the routine.  The bell rings, two guys do a staredown, one shoves the other, he shoves back, and then... SLAP.  One slaps the other.  His face turns to the side in utter amazement, and his head stays in the same position for several seconds as the crowd goes "Ooooooh," as if now we've got ourselves a fight.

There's also a scenario just like above, except the heel's valet slaps the wrestler.  The "Ooooooh" is now louder, because it's a woman doing it.

When you see it once, it's really an "Oooooooh" moment.  When you see it every week, it's like, big whoop.  Now we've got ourselves a fight?  Give me a break, it's fake.  There's no fighting going on, and slaps aren't shocking anymore, because everyone slaps everyone.

But still, the stupid f*cking crowd goes "Oooooh" like it's a serious insult to slap someone.

How about someone slaps everyone in the crowd for being so stupid?  How about someone slaps the booking agent who tells the wrestlers to include this stupid spot in their matches?

Upside Down We Go

Have you ever noticed in battle royals or Royal Rumbles that when someone knows he needs to be eliminated, he runs straight ahead toward a guy like an idiot, and then gets backdropped over the rope?  Boom, easy elimination.  Then he acts all upset like he doesn't want to leave.

Uhh, dummy, if you wouldn't race full speed ahead at a guy who's standing in front of the ropes, maybe you wouldn't be eliminated.  You'd think after watching previous battle royals, people would learn not to do it.  But they do. 

I will never understand the appeal of battle royals.  A bunch of guys standing around pretending to look occupied as they kill time.  They'll spend 5 minutes trying to push one guy over the ropes, then give up, walk around looking for someone (as someone walks past them, looking equally as clueless), tap them on the shoulder, and pretend to fight with them for another 5 minutes.  Yawn.  Yet when Lilian Garcia announces that a battle royal is on the show, people go nuts.  What are they going nuts over exactly?  Twenty men looking bored in the ring? 

At least with the Rumble, there's a storyline and the excitement of who comes in next.  But battle royals are the worst. 

"Hey look, there's so-and-so, but now he's called something else!"

It happens every month or so.  A mid-card or upper mid card star gets fired by WWE, and then has 90 days to wait out his no-compete clause.  Then he shows up in TNA (or 10 years ago, WCW) with a similar look, but some other stupid name.

For example, Golddust became Black Reign.  Spike Dudley became Runt.  Dudleys are now 3-D, Rikishi is now Junior Fatu, Earthquake became The Shark, Big Bossman became The Boss, etc.  Does whoever comes up with these names insist on spending less than 3 seconds thinking about them?  Is there a contest to see who can be more uncreative than the other?  If I want to see Rikishi, I'll watch old WWE tapes.  When you hire him and he has the same look but new stupid name, it makes the promotion look low-rent.

Why not just use the guy's real name instead?  Diesel became KEVIN NASH, and became a much, much bigger star.  Razor Ramon made his name as SCOTT HALL.  The rule of thumb is this: if you hire someone that the audience knows as another character, then don't pretend to make him a cheap knock-off of that character.  Either give him a new character, or better yet, give him his real name and let him wrestle without a gimmick or costume.  In 1980s WWF, they took territorial guys like DiBiase and Hennig and gave them new gimmicks, but most fans hadn't seen them before (some did, but they were hardcore fans).  But taking Eugene and making him U-Gene just reeks of 3rd rate imitations.  Either be incredibly creative, or just let the guy wrestle sans gimmick.  Don't be somewhere in between, or else people won't care.

Praise the Lord

There are few things as ridiculous as an MMA fighter praising the Lord after a fight, or thanking God for making the win possible.

Give me an F'n break.  First of all, even if you're deeply religious, you have to admit that God probably doesn't give a crap who wins MMA fights.  Second of all, if a guy is into God and loving everyone and everything, then why is he bashing someone's head in with his fists and choking them unconscious?  Do you really think that if there's a God, he condones such behavior?

"Hey look at me, I worship Jesus.  I love people.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to throw wicked elbows at a guy's head and crush his skull, and then immediately after, praise God for making it all possible.  Peace be with you."

Fighting Friends

How is it possible for friends to fight each other?  If a guy is my friend, and if I care about him, I'm not going to go into the octagon and attempt to knock him unconscious. 

This reminds me of when Rashad Evans kicked Sean Salmon in the head, knocking him out cold in perhaps the most memorable knockout of 2007.  Salmon was out for several minutes.  In his post-fight interview, Evans said he hoped Salmon was ok and not injured.  Well, then DON'T KICK HIM IN THE HEAD, A** HOLE.  If you don't want to hurt a guy, DON'T F*CKIN' FIGHT HIM.

If I'm being told I have to fight a friend, there are only two possibilities.  #1, I refuse the fight.  #2, I stop being the guy's friend.  If he's really my friend, I don't want him getting hurt, especially by my fists.

If your friend is getting his ass kicked, would you stand there like an idiot or would you go save him?  Of course you'd save your friend.  So if you don't want him getting hurt, then why would you fight him? 

Look, if you're going to fight, then fight.  Aim to go in there and hurt the guy as much as possible.  Hate him.  Hurt him.  Do everything the rules allow.  And most of all, don't apologize for hurting him.  It's called a FIGHT.  The sole purpose is to hurt each other.  If you can't accept that, then don't be a fighter.  And if you do, don't fight your friends.

Security On Hand... When They Feel Like It

Don't you just love it how security (usually some local indie guys with security shirts) comes and tries to interrupt certain wrestling angles, yet they are nowhere to be seen during other angles?

It's like when a guy comes down the aisle to interfere, and security stops him.  Yet later in the show, another guy will attack a wrestler, slice his forehead open, hit him with a bat or staple gun, and security is nowhere to be seen.  Hey, you can inject staples into a guy's forehead, but walk down the aisle and interfere?  Not in this town, pal!

It's good to know that in the world of wrestling, police and security are there to help you... whenever they feel like it.

Hit Me with Your Best Shot

You gotta love when a wrestler climbs the top rope to do a big splash, and his opponent is lying down but is not in the right position to be landed on.  The opponent realizes this, and somehow maneuvers himself (wink wink, without anyone noticing) into a more convenient position to get splashed on.  You know, he wouldn't want to make the move any more difficult for his opponent, would he.

I'm sorry, but if you're coherent enough to know that you're not in the right position, then you're coherent enough to MOVE OUT OF THE WAY so he doesn't splash you.  It's like when the guy does a flying body press, and his opponent just stands there and looks at him, and then gets hit.  After all these years, wrestlers don't know how stupid that looks.  If you're staring at a guy who is about to land on you, MOVE.  If a train is coming at me, and I'm standing on the tracks, I don't maneuver myself so that the train can hit me as much as possible.  I move out of the f*ckin' way. 

Fast Falls

Have you ever noticed that in 2 out of 3 falls matches, or in Iron Man matches, the falls happen much more quickly than they do in regular matches?  And in almost every case, the early falls have clean finishes with no run-ins.

In a basic 2/3 falls match, the first fall is always quick, clean, and basically uneventful.  They go to a quick commercial break and come back.  The second falls is equally as routine.  But the 3rd fall?  Tons of outside interference, run-ins, ref bumps, and they pull out all the stops.  It looks so incredibly hokey, and we're all supposed to believe it.  Whatever.

Save That Moment for TV

Whenever a wrestler has something REALLY important to say to another wrestler, he always makes sure to do it in the ring, with a microphone.

So you're telling me that in all this time, from the time he woke up in the morning, got ready, drove to the arena, got dressed up backstage, and prepared for his match, that he couldn't track down this wrestler and tell him what he needed to say?  He can’t just call him on his cell phone, email him, text him, or send him an instant message?  Why does it HAVE to be in the ring, on Raw, in front of the camera? 

When HHH interrupts Vince McMahon during a typical 20-minute Vince promo on Raw, why couldn't HHH just find Vince backstage and tell him what he needed to tell him?  Why not find out where his hotel room is, go there, knock on the door, and tell him?  You're telling me that all the wrestlers NEVER see each other except when they're having a match or doing a promo?  Is there some magical wall backstage that prevents wrestlers from seeing or talking to other wrestlers they need to talk to?

"Hey Batista, have you seen Vince?  I need to talk to him?"

"Yeah Hunter, he's over there.  See him?"

"Oh ok.  Well, I better not tell him now.  I'll wait until the show starts in 3 hours.  That's too bad, because I REALLY need to tell him that I'm the Game and that I'm going to take Randy Orton's belt."

"Just tell him now."

"No, no, I can't.  It must be on TV and on Raw."

Ok, dipsh*t, you do that.

Hit the Music Part II

Why is it that whenever the winner of a match gets attacked, the guys in the truck cut his music off?  Also, why is it that no matter who wins, the person who "laughs last" is the one who gets his/her music played?  Wouldn't it be a slap in the face of Ric Flair if he were to win a long and grueling match, and they cut his music off to play mine just because I ran down to the ring, gave him a wedgie, and ran back out with my hands raised high? (thanks to LeQuan)

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If you have something to add that makes no sense, please contact us.