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Ask the Armpit
May 2006
We welcome your comments and questions on the world of pro wrestling, mixed martial arts (MMA), and the Armpit in general. To submit your comments, please use the form on our Contact Us page. --------------
WP check this clip out it's AJ Styles botching a Styles clash watch the guys head hit the mat even the ref is shocked amazing what you can find on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0zKNDGL6Jw&search=styles%20clash
Armpit: Amazing how that guy survived that bump.
Dude,
DDP came out to a knock off of a Nirvana, not Pearl, Jam song (Smells like teen spirit).
Also, AC/DC and Pantera are DEFINETELY not "80's hair metal bands". It's even questionable to call Jackyl and Ugly Kid Joe "80's hair metal bands". Poison is a hair metal band.
Andy
Armpit: Andy is referring to a question we asked in one of our recent weekly quizzes. True, DDP did come out to a Nirvana ripoff song. It was Jericho who had the Pearl Jam ripoff song. As for Pantera, you must not be familiar with their early years in the 80s. They were as glam as glam can be (which is a good thing). What is a hair band anyway? A band that has hair? It's a stupid term that makes no sense. If it's referring to the way a band looks, then Pantera and AC/DC are no different than Poison, Jackyl, and Ugly Kid Joe. Pantera once dressed glam, but then changed. Poison once dressed glam, but then changed. So if you're calling Poison a hair metal band, then explain to me why Pantera isn't one either. Of course the real answer is neither are hair bands, because there is no such thing as a hair band because it's a term that makes no sense.
Heyy man =)
My name is Austin and I'm from Singapore.
Singapore's a really small country but pro wrestling is pretty big here. Having said that, there aren't really many smarks though. I'm not a big smark to be honest, but I love analyzing the matches, ring psychology, moves and all that.
I go on the net quite a bit to find quality wrestling sites and yours is a wonderfully crafted and extremely well-produced site. I simply love it to bits. The Armpit is a must-go-to destination every Monday for me.
I'm really sorry about the newsletter disaster. I would love to subscribe but I'm really tight financially at the moment too. As a musician I can totally understand what a lack of funds can do to morale and creativity.
I promise I'll subscribe as soon as i can. In the meantime I'm telling all my friends about the site. Keep it up man =))
Austin
Armpit: I appreciate the kind words. Just a note: there is nothing to subscribe to because we canceled the newsletter. Many people are still confused about that. I just dumped 5,000 issues in the recycling bin because it was an idea that bombed, and it cost me lots of money. But hey, every business is a risk, right? Shame on me.
Hello readers of armpitwrestling.com, I would like you to picture yourselves in this following situation. You are a 60+ year old man who is currently running the largest wrestling promotion in the world. You're making a thousand bucks per second, and have the power to eliminate any other wrestling company off the face of the map. Now for some reason, you can't handle the pressure of being "the man". You want out of the spotlight, so you are going to take your dynasty of a company and flush it down the shitter while you make millions of worldwide viewers watch. But how are you going to do that? You have access to some of the best talent in the world, you're completely loaded, and have your products name plastered all across the world, so how in the world can you mess this up? It's very simple, just follow these rules.
1. Put yourself in a feud with God: Hey, you've already tried having a woman give birth to a hand, having an overweight wrestler date a transvestite, have a gay marriage, an old man marry one of your Divas and die during sex with her, and replicating one of the dumbest moves you've ever done in the history of wrestling over and over, and you're still standing! Well why don't you just put yourself in a feud with the big man upstairs? You could invent a ridiculous religion in your name, fake turning water into wine, fake walking on water, heal the chest of a woman who is a literal example of an STD, and make a tasteless video of you searching for God. All the while, you're offending millions of people worldwide and dramatically lowering the standards of network television. Hey! Look at that! People are already starting to turn off their TV's! Good start!
2. Show em' What Steroids can do to You!: Although you're 60 years old, you still have a physique that makes Triple H look like Spike Dudley. You've had more needles in you than Whitney and Bobby combined, and your tan job makes you look like a giant-sized Oompa Loompa. So let's scare the children at home and show off that orange bod of yours. What a good role model you'll be for the children! Kids, if you shoot yourself up with artificial muscle, you'll be a rich wrestling promoter like me. That's right Vince, promote steroids. That'll lose you your TV deal easily.
3. May 19th: One of your wrestler recently landed himself in a horror movie that has the potential to be a smash hit. So lets turn this into a money pit shall we? First, lets turn Kane into the character he plays in the movie, axe and all. Second, lets give him a trigger word, you know, something that sets him off. May 19th sounds like a keeper! That way, he can lose it on unsuspecting passersby who ask for the date. Don't worry, its not like he wasn't good enough to be world champion material. Never! Where would you get that idea?
4. Disrespect the Memory of Eddie Guererro: Actually, I would never EVER recommend that anyone do this, but then again Vince, I have moral values. If you hoped to get people to stop watching your wrestling program by doing this, it sure worked on me. Oh, and by the way, Satan called, he's already punched your one-way ticket to hell.
5. Cruiserweights?! Who Cares About Them?!: The Cruiserweight stars on Smackdown have been some of your top draws and have delivered some of the best matches in your company. So what would be the most logical thing to do? Take away their air time of course! That will suck all the excitement out of your audience! I mean, right now, your shows are about 80% promo, 20% matches, why not make it less!
6. Continue Misusing All That Talent: When you have up and coming talent such as CM Punk, Brent Albright, Ken Doane, Johnny Jeter, Paul Birchill, and great veteran wrestlers such as Chris Benoit, Finlay, William Regal, Shawn Michaels, and Booker T, I can see why it would be hard to produce a bad show, but it's really simple. Just saddle these talented workers with stupid gimmicks. CM Punk can deliver a 5-star Match any day of the week, and has of the most amazing mic skills ever, so lets give him a deaf gimmick so he can't show the world his mic skills, and change his finisher to a roll-up. And Chris Benoit, he's arguably the best wrestler out there, so lets give him an alcoholic gimmick, so he wrestles smashed. That'll take care of all his great matches!
7. Let The Jobbing Continue!: You seem to get a sense of joy at watching HHH and the Undertaker burying all of the talent on their respective rosters. Now this is working to a point, but it has to be increased. For example, the Pedigree is just too good of a move to waste on people like Edge or John Cena, they are just mortals. From now on, Triple H should pin them after the kick to the stomach setting them up for the Pedigree. However Vince, if he faces you, it should take him at LEAST 3 Pedigrees to keep you down for the 3-Count. Undertaker should have a new power where he can cause people to collapse just by looking at him. When he takes off his hat, he stares his opponent right in the eyes and they immediately see the moment of their own death. Taker then places his boot on the guy's chest, and 1, 2, 3, match over.
These are the simple steps that it takes to completely destroy your wrestling promotion. I see you've already made a lot of progress Vince, and my advice should have your company completely done for by 07'.
Well, I'm out!
Matt Kopp
Dude, I'm not sure about the rest of the
answers...but I always thought Tommy Dreamer's ECW theme music was "Man
in the Box", by ALICE IN CHAINS. I was not aware he ever entered the
ring to anything by Pearl Jam.
Armpit: Bryan is referring to a recent quiz we posted. Tommy Dreamer used both Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam songs during his ECW career.
I've just recently came across your site and
I must say, it's fantastic. That obviously isn't the most important
compliment coming from some 18 year old kid but I thought I'd leave some
positive feedback and an eventual question. Despite the fact that some
of my favorite wrestlers such as Triple H and the Undertaker are
consistently burned on your site I don't care. Your site is still
hilarious no matter how big of a fan I am of those guys and besides a
lot of the stuff that is brought up is hard to argue. I would certainly
concede that the Undertaker should have done more to put over some guys
(Cena, Orton, Kane, etc.) but I still enjoy his work very much and am
not ready to see him go. Also, even if Triple H is really "insecure" as
Scott Steiner said in a recent interview and really did intentionally
bury Goldberg, Kevin Nash, RVD, Steiner himself, Chris Jericho among
others, I still think he is a damn good wrestler in every aspect of the
business and will continue to call him my favorite wrestler. But I
digress, underneath the rambling and sucking of the Armpit's dick, I
have a very basic question for you folks.
Armpit: It would take a whole article to answer that. Maybe one day we'll do a column on it, but we couldn't do that question justice in this forum.
On the PNN article you suggested thanking some of the writers of the armpit and I just wanted to thank you as well since we both know you deserve just as much credit as any of them. I'm on the site every Monday to see what's up and I truly am a fan and appreciate what you guys do. So thanks.
Pete
Armpit: Thanks, but the guest columnists deserve way more credit. They don't get the spotlight but do just as much work, if not more.
im sorry but its a utter disgrace for you to call pantera a 80s hair metal band,
for a start if you called every band hair metal who played the music and happened to have long hair youd be calling zeppelin and sabbath hair bands,
the hair metal tag was originally associated with bands from the la scene in the mid-late 80s such as poison,motley crew,van halen,diamond and g n r to a lesser degree,
but pantera? there debut cowboys from hell was released mid 1990 that and vulgar display of powere 2 years later turned the metal world on its head, only nirvana, mettalica and rage against the machine are on a parwith turning more people to play music in the early 90s than pantera,
hair metal most definately not they were trying something new with the detuned guitars and started a movement in the metal world albeit that had its origins in the thrash of slayer,megadeath and sepultura, that still influences to this day, the fact that korn made millions basiclly taking the pantera formula just to add a few more risque lyrics and a bit more detuned gits says it all as out of that came the whole(and i must point out piss poor) nu metal scene of the likes of limp bizkit,papa roach,and the awful linkin park who sold millions of the pantera legacy,
and yes i do know pantera were highly in debt to the likes of sabbath,discharge,venom etc etc but that a whole nother story, ian
Armpit: See my response above.
I enjoy your site very much, as I check in with it each week for entertainment, and hope you do well with your new job.
I only have one....complaint? No, not a complaint, a concern. You mentioned that "Family comes first, work comes second, and entertainment comes third." If you do have a family, or even if you do not, I would suggest to you that family does indeed come second, and work is third. What comes first is the thing that will be with us forever, and with our families forever, not just the very quick and fast 70 to 100 years here on earth. I would suggest to you that God comes first. He is very real, though many in our society do not take Him seriously. If He does not come first in your life and the life of family, than I urge you to re-examine your life, not only here on earth, but for eternity.
Again, I enjoy your site, and look forward to reading it again soon. I also wish you well with your new job. May God bless you in that area.
Armpit: Thanks for your email, but family comes first for me.
i agree i also feel tna's biggest problem is not tapping into the wcw audience there are millions of people who enjoyed sting and scott stiener and the shame of it is most wcw fans don't even know tna exist's
Armpit: Imagine being in business for 4 years and still so many wrestling fans don't know you exist. Heh, kind of like this website (we celebrate our 4-year anniversary this week).
I totally agree with you. TNA is wasting tons of money and I was just mentioning to my wife how Sting was SO much cooler when he didn't open his mouth. It was awesome to watch him come in the ring and drop someone on their head and leave. More than that, it was the whispering in their ear. You found yourself wondering "What did he say?", and "Who is he going after next week?". I'm also a big fan of trimming the fat.
All in all, TNA needs to take heed and follow at LEAST half of the advice you've dished out. Great article.
Mike
Armpit: Sting is a billion times more effective when he's silent, but he has given some good interviews this year. I don't think the higher ups at Spike would like it if they felt Sting was getting so much money and not having to speak a word, because they wouldn't understand that that's the best option.
Hello, Wrestling Professor. It is SPC Epps from Iraq again. I still checking out the site when I get the chance. I love the material and you guys are on top of your game. I got a question. Do you think the reason why ECW is being brought back is take out NWA-TNA?
It will be pretty intersting to see ECW back, what new talent that will rise from there. In my opinion, TNA is a serious threat. They got the talent,but they need a booker with some sense. Unfortunately, Paul Heyman is no longer available. They should have snatch him up when they had a chance.lol.
Armpit: I don't think TNA had much to do with WWE's decision to bring back ECW, but it may have. What made them want to bring it back was Vince thinking he can make money with it. Keep fighting the good fight, my man.
I understand every one of your points. As a fan of TNA I can say I like SOME of the matches, but also I want to see better storylines. What was the deal with the Jackie Gayda tape. I mean they hype it up and when the time comes all of a sudden she now has a choice to join Jarrett so the tape never gets shown? I mean come on. It's safe to say I'm concerned about the direction TNA is going. I'm also very excited about the resurrection of ECW, but I also don't want to see TNA die. I think, like you said, if TNA wants to succeed in this business they need to become more original. I'm tired of seeing AMW cheat their way to retaining the NWA Tag Team Championships almost every week. I mean I admire how they didn't stick to being the crowd's favorites and aligned themselves with Jarrett, but enough is enough. They really have some cool matches like Ultimate X and Monster's Ball. Now did you see the whole Kevin Nash interview? It seems like he is turning into the bad guy once again, calling the X Division fillers. Is this whole thing going to boost TNA any because if not they need to stay away from this. Thanks for your time and like I said i don't want to see TNA die because I enjoy watching but some things just get old.
Jon
I admit that after following TNA closely for
about 2 years, I started getting really tired and bored with the product
late last year. They brouhgt in Christian and Team 3D, which was cool, I
wasn't as enthused with Sting, and dont care about Steiner. But if Lex
and Buff continue to show up I WILL stop watching...I fuckin hated those
guys in WCW 10 years ago, and I sure as hell dont want them on my screen
nowadays. Anyway, it's fuckin crazy how each one of ur points made were
valid. How did they pass up signing Heyman in favor of Sting? I dont
think they need to do every single thing u mentioned, but as far as the
characters/storylines, yea they fuckin suck! James Gang is far from the
NAO, Homicide has been made to look like a bitch, and the so called
"centerpiece"-the X-Division is basically a bunch of indy jobbers. It
should come as no surprise that Alex Shelley is the one who's seemingly
getting the most exposure as he actually shows...some fuckin
PERSONALITY! No doubt, the lil guys have good matches, but Joe and AJ
are so far above everyone else. I like Daniels, but as u said, he does
indeed look like an "indy jobber". I'd like to see him get more mic time
and return to the X-division. Joe does not fuckin need the X-belt, so
why does he even have it? I think Daniels still has a lotta mileage as
one of the big dogs in the X-D along with Senshi, Shelley, Petey, and
hopefully, a re-tooled Homicide. Homicide should be the easiest talent
NOT to fuck up, yet TNA has indeed managed to fuck it up! 'Cide should
be the LEADER of a gang that respects no one and fucks people up! Seeing
as how he's not the best talker, Konnan would make a good mouthpiece for
the group, but it should be understood that 'Cide is the most dangerous,
and of course, he'd eventually fuck up Konnan for continually saying
"rowdy rowdy". But alas, it's not to be. Anyway, keep up the good work
and I'll keep reading. Later~
Rusty F'n Nailz
WP while I agree with most of your column there are few points where i have a differing opinion, Christian Cage the "Old" Christian just wouldn't work because some in smarkland would say TNA is ripping off WWE my point is this weather Christian is "Old" or "New" there's just no pleasing certain fans. Now these recent story lines I had no trouble understanding them I grew up on wrestling ever since I can remember I watched wrestling. I watch TNA every week so I know why Sting is after Jeff Jarrett, Sting is the "savior" of TNA. So TNA is playing on the fact that many in smarkland hate Jeff Jarrett so here comes Sting to rid TNA of the "cancer" known as "planet jarrett". Also Kevin Nash is coming back and looks to be starting a fued with AJ Styles and Nash has said that he really wants to work with AJ so Nash will put AJ over. So in closing with a few minor tweaks here and there TNA will be around for a long time to come besides I doubt Panda Energy will pull the plug anytime soon they have WAY deeper pockets than VKM could ever dream to have. Thank You for this site
Andrew
Hey Professer, i have no clue who your thinking of roasting but i think a mock my brain for vince russo would be hilarious and would get thousands of hits for the site, just a suggestion lol.
Thanks for hopefully taking the time to read this
No name given
Armpit: We did a mock resume with Russo, so the jokes about him are getting a little tired.
YES!! Orndorf is definitely ALL MAN! I have a video from a local show where he and Butch Reed did promos for a local group. PURE PROFESSIONALISM from both for a small local group.
No name given
Armpit: I remember him, but forget his name. Anyone?
Oh man, that was some very funny shit (Hogan on Fox News). Great job Professor, you had me in tears of laughter once again.
You haven't done a new Pick My Brain in a
while. What happened to it? Armpit: Too much time to do, and in the end, many of the people refuse to do the interview because our questions are wacky. We've sent out tons of interviews that we've never told you about, and the people refused to do them or ignored us. We could always make the questions more "normal," but then the interviews would suck. We're a wacky site and damnit, we're sticking to it.
I just viewed armpitwrestling.com for the first time just now, and I read an article discussing seena being booed out of parents house. Are these stories, and articles that are being posted true?
Kim
Armpit: Yes.
Holy shit was that funny. It almost could be real considering we are talking about Hogan.
Herman
Armpit: You're referring to the mock review we did of Hogan on Hannity and Colmes. It was so close to true it's scary.
whats working stiff mean? im reading the fights backstage section and guys get pissed when some one works stiff"?
Armpit: Performing wrestling maneuvers as if they are real, or close to it.
That Hogan recap you did was fucking hilarious, I enjoyed the jokes you threw in there. I didn’t know Hogan was that much of a liar, I guess I still picture Hulk as that guy who used to tell me to train, pray and eat my vitamins. Thanks for taking the time to recap the show, you did good job and it was very entertaining.
Ken
Hey Professor, was it just me, or did Vince look way too familiar and comfortable in that vid, the way he was atop the sexy boy???
Sincerely, The Skipper
Armpit: It's 2006 and if you pay attention to the media, everyone is turning gay. I heard quasi-homophobe comedian Artie Lange once give a great line: "The world has changed so much. If it's 2006 and you're not gay, you're a f*cking homo."
Why do you hate The Undertaker so much? He's
getting old, sure, but he's
Chris
Armpit: We're a humor site, so we exaggerate our feelings sometimes. He's a good worker but very selfish in his selling and whom he likes to put over. Every year in the Observer awards, he finishes at or near the top in the readers' most hated wrestler poll. But he did put over Khali, which means when he does choose to put people over, it's the wrong people.
What it do? So whats your take on Trips
calling out Cena, bout he can't wrestle, being a transaction champion,
only have a couple of moves, and the only thing Cena could come back
with is how Trips hogs the mic and says the same thing all the time. I
think it came to a surpise for Cena, like he was caught off guard. And
Cena recongizing that the audience was into Trips more than Cena
himself. And why the hell is Ric Flair going be to in a Money in the
Bank? Is it me or do I see a Big Show vs. Kane for "The Big Time" coming
this April! Please, oh please, don't give me a Boogeyman vs. Booker T
for WrestleMania 22, how low can you go. I mean seriously Boogeyman
beating JBL at Royal Rumble was sick and just pissed me off. I mean the
match was a only second to a second, it was weak, I truly hate to see a
Booker T get beat by the "I'm the Boogeyman and I'm coming to get you."
I mean he (Marty Wright) can't wrestle. And why the hell are we cheering
for him? Do we really wanna see a Undertaker vs. Mark Henry? So what
inter-brand match are we going have this year? Did Vince or Steph screw
us outta of the chance of seeing the Hogan vs. Austin, by asking Austin
to job to The Coach. Is WrestleMania really going be "The Big Time" its
trying to live up to this year. How badly do we need a change in our
beloved WWE. I love the WWE and have a passion for watching it, but I am
just waiting for that......you know. Me sitting on the couch, my 'ol
lady sitting next to me and drinking on some good 'ol MGD, and outta
nowhere the unthinkable happens and your like HOLY S**T!!!. Thats what I
miss. Edge beating Cena was a surpise, but I now see why it was done, it
woulda made the Money in the Bank look weak and an all for nothing. I am
dying for Lashley to come around and just freaking do something,
so....so.....so...aww....just do something! I mean he'll make a perfect
babyface who acted heel. Do we miss Paul Heyman? I do! And I be the
first to say it, f**k TNA. So with that said. Mr. Professor, what are
your thoughts?
Armpit: Man, I'm lazy because this email is
old and I'm just posting it now. I guess it wouldn't make sense to
answer it at this point.
Armpit: Here's an example of what can go wrong when you pretend to be an expert on the internet. Check out these letters from these 3 guys (but coming from the same email address).
do you know what up hogan these day mike hi do you where brain christer is jazz rodney mac y pac shawn walman erick watts buff bagwell joe leanders kevin north cut norman smiley bobby heene vampior disco inerfo ddp hi were are the nasty boy rico 3 mintes waring how about the dick chad and james the dick bothers love new jack perry satrun mike hi where ron simmon brain clarik paul bear don callis the pit bulls dawn marie brain christer sctoo taryers sctoo hall jonny swigers psyco sid flash funk danel puders jonny b badd david flair rick fliar arn anderson steve mango mc michael debbia mc michael stone cold rock vader goldber brock chris jerico sable stacy key bers mike hello gee again frist lance storm chris kanyon sabu amy weber stevie ray lenny lodi joey stlyes paul heyman erick bishoff vince russo ivory jaculine do you know what evey happing to all the others wcw guy and the nwo guy jimmy hart hack saw jim dougin dlo bowen the god fathers and how about his hoe simond dean blue meaing how about the bwo guy how about the god wins gee hello my names is tony frist where is jake the snake robert anmed jonh son the patriot duke the dumpster droese yokozuna about the rockers marty jannetty disel body donna saivatore sincere skinner mideon viscea pat patterson crush big boss man test tori droz prince albert steve black men ken shamrock luter rainers mark jintrack jesse the body ventures ivory luna sean o hair jimmy super fly snuka pj polaco roderrick strong ausin aries lance hoytle trinliy jacqueline mach man randy savges steve richard bam bam biglow mike whip wreck molly holly hard core holly randy orton bastisa sand man public enemy psicosis tommy dearmers beulah mike awesome 2 cold scorpio jerry lynn now dont write back today find out frist then let me know mike hi it tony what are the under takers up to and sara midusa tony hi it mike im not bugs you am i with my family queastion we watch wersling awlay were just asked ok dont get mad thank mike i will write you more in the next few day with more wersling names is that ok mike hi it gee what happing with ed ferrara vince russo the uiltimate warrior terry gibbs honky tonk man rick rudes jeff hardy jonny the bully aley wright mean gean okland what a about terri goldust wife lex luger gee SGT SLAUATER KING KONG BUNDY ANDRE THE GRANT JIM CORRTENETT MICHAEL PS HAYES JIM THE ANVIL KINGHT HART SABLE ERICK BISHOFF VINCE RUSSO SHANE DOUGLAS FRANCIEN LOW KI MRS JACKIE SABU THE COACH WWE GUY KEVIN KELLY WWF OLD GUY THE HEAD BANGER GOLD DUST WIFE TERRI PIPER DUDE LOVE CATUS JACK ASHEY BASTISTA RANDY ORTON COW BOY ORTON JR THE FATHERS OF RANDY ORTON AND HIS GRAND FATHERS SR THE BOOGEY MAN MR KENNEDY MARCK LOYDS STEVE RICHARD MIKE S yes I am asked about the super star that are on TV like sabu cactus jack take you time ok one more things do you know where amazing red mike why was randy Orton suspends why the girl kat the guy cat millers Bret hart Billy Kidman horse Hogan hogan nephew jerry Flynn the nasty boy Jamie noble chavio jr chavo sr nidia molly holly jerry Lynn bill Demotte aka hug Morris meng sunny the girl mark madden terry tarloy bush whackers moutie irs million dollars man jonahing the coach man mike that all I can think of hi where muhammed hassan wwe guy tony did you find out the information yet or no mike devito chris chetti nova tajiri masato tanka mike awesome steve corino balls manoney wcw rene gade paul orndorff colonel pakers wwe old guy rickmartel the barbarian hercules tito santana earth quakes kok b ware rhythm blues dino bravo brutus the barber beef cakes the bois vils the magnificent marco akeem boss man ravishing rick rudes bad news browen ted di biase jakes the snack robert queen sherry sapphire colossal connection demoltion uiltmates warrior geroge wells the fablous moolah mae young velvet mcintyre corporal kirchners nikolai volkoff gerg the hammers valentines erick bishoff vince russo ANMED JOHNSON FLASH FUNK KEN SHAMROCK MIKE I watch smack down every week and I been not seen Batista why mike hi it me i send 3 more list to do some check for me did you read them yet mike
Armpit: He means well, but there aren't enough hours in the day to answer his questions (though I did try the first few times before giving up). Until next month...
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